Jones Cola Soda + Caffeine Review

"Oh, hi there, Jones, long time no see."

"Huh, what was that- yeah, not since 2008 I know. I mean, thanks, you look good too."

Well, except for the fact that the label is shrink-wrapped on, and that the can clearly is frightened by the implications of calling itself an actual "energy drink." We have a sixteen ounce slab of metal here and 160 milligrams of sweet, sweet caffeine, but the closest this thing ever gets to being true to itself is "soda + caffeine." Hm, like, oh I dunno, an energy drink?

I have not had a good cola here in a long time, not since probably Jolt Cola's return back in 2019. And Jones here certainly smells the part, as if I had pressed the "dispense" button on my local favorite fast food restaurant's Coke fountain, my eyes hypnotized by the bubbly elixir as it pours into my extra large plastic cup. First sip exposes a classic taste, the caramel-colored cocktail crashing down onto your tongue with all the grace of any mass-produced soft drink. The flavor profile is standard issue, vanilla, cinnamon, cloves and lemon all mixing to create what everyone and their mom thinks of when they hear the word "cola." Carbonation is heavy and harsh, beating your palate into a numb pulp before the carbohydrates begin destroying your dental hygiene; forty seven grams of pure can sugar means this has a fantastic mouthfeel, one rich with a slight grainy texture and formidable heft. But the problem here is the use of a can used versus the company's historic preference to glass bottles, as everything has a slight metallic stain, pushing an otherwise familiar experience over the edge to one that is overly and overtly commercialized. It is tasty but unambitious.

Remember, this is not an energy drink, just a soda with 160 milligrams of caffeine. Totally different, do you hear me? The buzz is alright, lasting a bit over two hours before I began to wonder what else I had caffeinated in my fridge. Overall, Jones Cola Soda + Caffeine is classic not classy; it is what Coca-Cola Energy should have been.

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Rockstar Organic Island Fruit Energy Drink Review

This mess of a can, the only organic energy drink from Rockstar, comes to us in a sloppy, hastily slapped together package. Its green, yeah we get it, because "nature is green," with faux woodgrain like the interior of a mid-luxury car. Tons of text titters around the can, with the words "energy" and "organic" fortunately easy to find and read. Otherwise, the words read with inconsistent font, size, color, and importance.

There is oodles of sweetness here, derived from true cane sugar and pierces through the organic grasp of every sip, along side some slight sourness. You taste the intricacies of green coffee and guarana, their bitter depth cut only by the balanced sugariness, climaxing with nuances of passion fruit and mango; the fruity finish accented by a mushed punch of a myriad of fruits. What follows is a biting zenith of coarse astringency swiftly subdued by one last wave of honey. But it is the effervescence who is the backbone here: it livens the stalwart earthiness and levels off the sweetness, maintaining an experience where each imbibe never weighs mundanely on the tongue while never forgetting its homey inspirations.

Each can contains: guarana, green coffee, and in total, a 160 milligrams of caffeine. The kick, lacking many staples of your usual ingredient cocktail, preforms no differently, with a three, give or take, hour long buzz. On the whole, Organic Island Fruit is a few nips and tucks away from being a true winner. In its current form? It is still one of the better from the brand.

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Gas Monkey Light Energy Drink Review

Start your engines, because here comes the final Gas Monkey my not-so-local gas station carried. It is the sugar free variant of the original variety, but the once interesting design struggles atop the bare aluminum background. Sure, all the black and green stands out, but there is an undeniable inexpensiveness here.

Again Gas Monkey struggles a bit with the flavor, this time a disordered mix of apple, pear and vanilla, all medicinally enameled as well as tasting cheap and unfulfilling. They never appear at the front of any imbibe, always feeling distant on your taste buds, as if drowned in all the effervescence. It is the sweetness that causes the overwhelmingly unsatisfactory, sure, honey is listed as the fifth ingredient, but every eight ounce serving remains sugar free, leaving sucralose to sweeten all by itself to ill effect. It is a lonely synthetic sugar, one that begs for either ace-k for assistance or a better experience to work on. There is an ineffectual acidity as well, doing the flavor trilogy no favors nor does distracts from the frustrating saccharinity. Every sip is underseasoned and underdeveloped, leaving your palate barren of enjoyment.

Each can contains: B vitamins, ginseng, inositol, guarana, and 160 milligrams of caffeine. Lasting two hours before subsiding, the buzz is pretty standard, but after a drink like this I'll take it.

Mtn Dew VooDew 2024 Soda Review

Who is this drink for? One would surmise it would be for folks like me, the kind who live, breath and die caffeine, but I prefer my potent potables to clock in somewhere a bit less than 270 calories and nearly a day and a half of your recommended intake of sugar. I know at least my waist will thank me.

Not unlike this year's diet variation, my tongue is crippled immediately upon  liquid impact; though this time it is due to the seventy three grams of sugar inside these thin plastic walls, all from high fructose corn syrup, drowning my poor palate in a saccharine salvo of bare unnecessities. I taste peach and mango, both so distant and distracted by the gut-busting carbohydrates that sips end up being just indistinctly fruity. Effervescence leaves almost as soon as it arrives, leaving the texture to fend for itself, a very, ahem, syrupy mouthfeel. As for acidity, ha, I wish we had some sourness to steer the experience back on track. I do enjoy a good mystery, giving me a bit of a challenge as I pen the review, and I do truly go in blind. But then I like to see what the interwebs thinks, which a quick search shows that even the nebulous blob of folks online have no idea. Is it fruit punch? Some nostalgic candy? No one has any idea, but my opinion still stands: this drink sucks.

A soda with ninety one grams of caffeine means that to someone, somewhere, this will replace that morning cup of coffee. Not me though, I prefer my buzz to be one that I does not need to be followed by a long jog.

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Yerbaé Pumpkin Spice Energy Drink Review

Sometimes you stumble upon an energy drink and it instantly fills you with dread: why "this" flavor? Why "this" brand? Or my expression when I witnessed Yerbaé Pumpkin Spice: why "me?" I guess that is unfair to Yerbaé here, the can is an absolute joy to look at, the stark black backdrop really makes the orange pop. But come on, pumpkin spice tea?

Contrary to the words I just typed, I do try and give all products reviewed here the benefit of the doubt, but Yerbaé Pumpkin Spice is, hands down, one of the least appealing things I have ever splashed onto my tongue. There is a slight oiliness from the tea, the white variety used here, which immediately grabs onto your tastebuds, refusing to give way no matter how hard you try to ignore it. But for something that pretends to be "pumpkin spice," there is not only very little of the former but also almost none of the latter- rather the Stevia leaf extract makes the entire experience inappropriately sweet. It also cancels out nearly all of any bitterness the tea could have brought to the party, leaving only an undercurrent of earthiness to every imbibe. It is, in short, pretty terrible. Then there is the carbonation, which truly pushes this into the realm of unpalatable. Not only would being non-carbonation result in only fifteen ounces, instead of the present sixteen, to have to force down, but the tea would have felt a bit more at home. Kinda the way coffee has no reason coupling with effervescence, though that has not stopped companies before.

We do get 160 milligrams of caffeine, which is nice, but oh golly is the journey to feel that resulting two hour buzz a struggle. I do with the kick was a bit stronger, all things considering, but then again, the can never really calls itself an "energy drink." It certainly proclaims to provide energy, and it is a drink, but Yerbaé appears afraid of the implications with the soft drink genre.

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Monster Ultra Vice Guava Energy Drink Review

I am not sure why Monster here thinks guava is "ultra" or a "vice," but the textured can appeared in my local grocery store in an unmarked pile near the exit; either I found it before it could properly be displayed, or no one cares.

A gentle pull of the tab at the top, a slight pour and out comes a sharp pink. It does not have much in way of an odor, and first sip is only slightly more exciting. The sweetness, achieved by the unusual order of our usual friendly neighborhood blend of erythritol, ace-k and sucralose, hardly tastes diet, with just the texture lacking the honest heft of actual carbohydrates. I applaud that, and only that here. Guava is present but is uncommitted to delivering the full experience, its tartness threadbare and unfulfilling. I wanted my teeth to be punched through my mouth with every imbibe, but Monster here seems almost scared to dedicate an entire sixteen ounces to a single piece of produce, let alone one with such a particular personality.

Each can contains 150 milligrams of caffeine, a decent quantity that results in a decent two hour long kick. B vitamins, taurine, inositol, you know, your average suspects, round out the nutrition facts on the back of the metal transport. Overall, the only vice here is pretending to be one.

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Ghostbusters Oxyshred & Slime Energy Drink Review

Considering the age of the Ghostbusters license, making a very much not for kids energy drink does not seem so wrong; I mean, fans of the property when it first came out have been of drinking age for years. And the shrink-wrapped can goes straight for the nostalgia; even if Slimer is not who I would associate with the word "caffeine," it fully exploits its commercial novelty.

Pouring out the most artificial green this side of a candy shop, so far, so good. Then I stuck my nose up to the freshly-cracked can, and a big whiff had me immediately rip the opening from my face. I am not sure if I expected Granny Smith apple or something, but the aggressive passion fruit from the likes of NOS wafting from this viridescent elixir was not on my expectations list. The flavor is not like any of the above though, an odd combination of vanilla, lime and blue raspberry, though your tongue struggles to truly get to know any of the trio thanks to an absolutely assertory acidity. It all makes for an experience, right down to a slightly powdery texture, that resembles the physical act of munching on the confection SweeTARTS, but only just. What a bizarre little energy drink this is.

The 180 milligrams of caffeine lends itself to a nice two and a half hour long buzz, though it would be unprofessional of me not to mention how each can also contains: l-carnitine, B vitamins, vitamin C, taurine, guarana, and several others. Those are all fine-and-dandy, but that taste, man, what a trip.

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