Death Wish Coffee Company Premium Vanilla Latte Review

Tonight, we review an aging Charles Bronson in "Death Wish, coffee?" The Death Wish brand has existed for some time, and even I have enjoyed a mugful of the bitter bean beverage, freshly brewed, and all I can remember is thinking to myself that it was not exactly worth the high price. But what about a can of the stuff, conveniently packaged for ease of consumption, and get a review to boot, well, color me intrigued.

With milk as its first ingredient, bringing to the experience three and a half grams of fat (half of which is saturated), mouthfuls are fatty like a bite of ice cream. The texture is heavy, sticking then slowly crawling down your palate no matter which number sip it is. Fortunately there is real sugar here, sixteen total grams of the stuff, half of which is added, and the slight toothsome grit of the grainy sweetener is able to just barely begin to break up the lardaceous grasp of the moo juice. But by this point, you have gulped nearly all of the eleven ounces on offer here, and your body begins to scream internally, crazed with frustration as it ingests yet another canned coffee cocktail that does not taste like coffee! The flavor is vanilla, as expected, an unspectacular simulation of the world's second most expensive spice that replaces its innate nuance with more saccharinity. Yet I keep coming back to my tongue, and how it could not detect any of that caustic roasty-toasty goodness a product named "Death Wish" suggests; it must be based on the fifth film.

Just how much caffeine do we have here? No idea: the can reads "up to as much caffeine as one and a half cups of coffee," a line that sounds good in a commercial but fails to hold any weight; is it comparing to a standard six ounce cup of coffee? What about the brew method, or type of beans used. Or roasting method. If only all this could be solved with an actual amount...

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