Red Bull The Winter Edition Pistachio & Berries Energy Drink Review

A quick glance at the history of Winter edition Red Bulls, and you gotta wonder, just what the hell does either pistachio or berries have to do with the snowy season? And this shade of green, it is not festive, looking like baby food, or what baby food turns into- it is just not something one would want to unwrap underneath their tree come December 25th. 

It is such a strange looking product that, honestly, my favorite part of its appearance is probably the little "contains no nuts" disclaimer below the ingredients.

Leave it to those wacky folks at Red Bull to come up with something so strange, so pleasant- so strangely pleasant, if you will. The lightly leafy colored cocktail gently taps your tongue as if needing permission to come aboard, exposing an experience so incredibly passive that about half the sips inside this twelve ounce can are spent investigating what it tastes like. My taste buds cracked its knuckles and took a whack at it, noticing raspberries, guava and pear lurking beneath the bubbly acidic mixture. There is a good deal of sweetness, thanks to thirty eight grams of sugar and glucose, so as to give mouthfuls a nice, heavy texture, but sourness rules this Christmas party. It is not quite enough to make your palate pucker, my lips only ever so slightly curling, but it tickles the back of your throat, destroying any saccharine aftertaste that could have tried living on. As for the purported pistachios, there is no saltiness, no earthiness and perhaps fortunately, no crunchiness, so while their absence is a bit disappointing, I did almost enjoy my time spent looking for them. What a weird little energy drink.

Red Bull really needs to work on their boosting their buzz. Just 114 milligrams of caffeine? Come on, man, we the people need more to make it in today's world. The hour and some change long kick is not enough to wake up even the most idly drowsy individual. Its lackadaisical flavor certainly does little favors.

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Bloom Pear Scare Sparkling Energy Drink Review

I have never been more scared in my entire life- I mean, I just saw a ghost! Bloom Pear Scare's cute packaging and clever name aside, this slender product is too meek to suggest that there are actually 180 milligrams of caffeine inside. That is more than most Monsters, and we do not even have a sexy lady here.

There is something wrong with Bloom. My first sip can hardly finish showing me its interpretation of the teardrop shaped fruit before something interrupts us, some funky sourness that is oh-so not like the fun, lip-puckering way citrus can be. Multiple more mouthfuls are taken, my taste buds putting particular focus on the namesake piece of product and trying to see what the company can do with it. I keep on imbibing, but my tongue becomes distracted by the pear's inability to really dominate the experience, giving up almost as soon as the crystal clear cocktail crashes down onto your palate. But what takes its place is the million dollar question, and even after over a thousand reviews, my body struggled to figure out just what this flavor was. I was about to chalk it up to the possible involvement of Stevia thanks to the caustic earthiness, until my eyes finally succumbed to curiosity and checked the ingredient list. My my, what is this- why, it is apple cider vinegar. What the actual hell is that doing here? Pear is not a powerful enough sapor to combat the fermented additive, and it should not have taken an energy drink critic to let the company know that.

We do get a decent kick once you are able to muster up the power to plow through the endless avalanche of acidic grossness, but sometimes when you want a treat, you get a trick instead. Overall, a more appropriate name for this would be "Bloom The Pear is Scared."

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Unwell Apple Cider Donut Energy Drink Review

Are you unwell? You have barely touched your apple cider donut energy drink. What kind of name is this!? The can is a scrambled wreck of bubble letters, with an awful rendition of the fried favorite that has the world's smallest bite taken out of it. That is not a good sign of a quality doughnut. It does at least say autumn, even if it screams it in an obnoxious voice.

The front of the can proudly boasts how this was made without the use of artificial sweeteners, staying instead with a few grams of cane sugar and stevia leaf extract. A gentle pull of the top tab and out pours a dull green elixir out from the predominately red metal transport. My nose is flooded with the scent of apples and, much to my pleasant surprise, a bit of cakey warmness. This had my spirits running high, until I took a sip. My god what in hell is this. What begins as any regular apple energy drink swiftly devolves into a cacophonic cup of complete crap. The familiar fall favorite is held for a single, solitary moment before losing out to the "natural flavors" doing their worst pastry impersonation. It is not yeasty but instead chemically leavened, and let me tell you this tastes like chemicals. A donut flavored caffeinated cocktail is strange enough, but Unwell goes several steps further in the absolute wrong, unexpected and boneheaded direction. Somehow, sips achieve the impossible by removing the moisture from your tongue as if sipping liquid crumbs. Your mouth thusly dehydrates, only to be immediately rehydrated by the same flavors that turned your face into a twisted mess of muscles sore from their twelve ounce beating. Gulps climax with an apple reprieve that gives way to more sweetness and a shockingly ugly maillard reaction impression that leaves your gag reflex no choice but to be on standby.

All that rotten fluid now sitting in my tummy and for what, just 150 milligrams of caffeine? Oh sure yeah, vitamins also make an appearance, but you want to know what also has vitamins? Actual apples. Overall, I admire Unwell Apple Cider Donut's ambition, but lament its naivety in thinking it could actually achieve it.

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Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Frappuccino Zero Sugar Added Chilled Coffee Drink Review

I do not know which is more loquacious, this seasonal RTD beverage's name or overall packaging. Words appear in every which way but loose, some even snaking around visual elements as if making fun of me and my general hatred towards busy glass containers. But it is fall and so there is part of me excited to see how Starbucks could possibly handle such a potent flavor without the obligatory added carbohydrates.

The translucent parcel allows my eyes to gaze at the product's surprising firmness. With the difficult-to-grasp lid eventually pried off, your nose gets a big whiff of, what else, pumpkin. As for flavor, the lethargic liquid crawls out across your tongue, staining swiftly each and every one of your taste buds with the pungent punch of said squash, notes of cinnamon burying any other spices into autumn oblivion. My body could not detect cloves, allspice or anything else, not even my favorite, freshly-grated nutmeg falling gently from my trusty kitchen rasp, and that makes me sad. It did at least allow the sole-sweetener sucralose to sweeten in secret, so I suppose that is something. The dimensionless seasoning leaves the nearly twelve ounce offering less interesting than it should be, like a store-bought pie. On the dairy side of the equation, reduced-fat milk, skim milk and cream mean mouthfuls are fatty beyond purpose outside prepping your pants for expansion from the equally excessive eggnog in the coming months. It is silky, creamy and a pleasure to sip, but I can just hear my doctor waking up in a cold sweat, frantically adding notes into MyChart. There is zero coffee presence, though that should come as no surprise considering this is Starbucks, the famous coffee chain. They really cannot seem to get a hold of translating their brick and mortar business into bottles.

This is not an energy coffee, and neither the front nor the rear label predict how much caffeine can be found here. But that is fine, because it is almost Halloween which means it is almost Thanksgiving, and I am thankful for not counting calories.

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Juice Monster Bad Apple Energy Drink Review

Juice Monster is back with a very naughty apple, though which exact variety has yet to be discovered by this soon-to-be caffeinated tongue. While I do like the tattoo-art visuals on the slab of aluminum, I do not really understand what Miss Lady here has to do with monsters, fruits or energy drinks. Maybe it is the evil witch from "Snow White?" I dunno.

Mildly carbonated and aggressively sweet, Juice Monster Bad Apple resembles a poorly sparkling cider. The unexciting effervescence slows down the elixir's momentum, declining quaffs down to a crawl as you otherwise eagerly look to guzzle down the entire sixteen ounces on offer. It is a real shame, since there is a good raw bite to each imbibe, this earthy edge of legitimacy that only becomes available with honest orchard involvement. Sugar, glucose and sucralose sweetens well, but it is the potent potable's tartness that sincerely makes sips shine. It, combined with the saccharinity, almost clumps up in the back of your throat, as if pulp is building up, a fabulous facsimile of what happens with honest mouthfuls of the stuff fresh from the tree. In addition to actual apple juice concentrate, we also have pear puree, which adds little in terms of actual flavor, but does dull the presence of the yellow, red and green autumn orbs. Even the most accomplished of palates would fail to identify which cultivars are involved, the whole thing homogenized into a sleek but indistinguished energy drink. Too bad we get so little personality here, especially when its artwork has so much.

160 milligrams of caffeine appears and does its job then goes home. The buzz is a serviceable two and a half hour long one, with familiar favorites ranging from taurine to inositol to B vitamins. It too does not live up to the charismatic can.

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Mtn Dew Green Label Soda Review

A surprisingly appealing can, this Mtn Dew is one of three in their "Label" line, at least according to my interwebs sleuthing. There is a lot going on in the design, busy white text and graphics that are easily noticeable off of the forest green backdrop, but it all works here, achieving a level of controlled chaos the main Mtn Dew drinks usually are overtaken by.

The flavor is one of the best the company has pushed out in years, the base fruits of Mtn Dew veiled by a composed sourness that puckers just enough to gently yank at the edge of your lips. Any claim of apple is a lie- you taste the fruity idiosyncrasy of kiwi just above the trademark lemon, lime and melon flavors. Sweetness is another highlight, thirty five grams cane sugar and however much the juice content adds, in addition to sucralose and ace-k. It is well balanced, slightly syrupy and gritty but never overwhelming: it is exactly what this flavor needs. Sixteen ounces might be a tall order for an experience of such relative simplicity, never evolving much between your first and final imbibe, but gosh, what a world if all the company's caffeinated cocktail varieties were as carefully crafted as this one here?

Each can contains eighty three milligrams of caffeine, but that is it. For a soda lover looking for a kick, it will do, but only Mtn Dew lovers will find much to appreciate in the ingredients list.

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Nello Apple Rush Energy Drink Review

Hello Nello, or so I imagine the TV ads would say. The interwebs tells me this is exclusive to the retail giant Target, but is that just this variety or the entire brand? You may assume the can would fill me in, but it is too busy telling you (twice, I might add) of its purported flavor, as well as puffery pieces like "focus." Sigh, if only the company had done that themselves.

It is autumn, so all the apple energy drinks poke out from behind the woodwork. Nello certainly smells the part, and upon first sip, you can see where they were going and appreciate their ambition. However, this is a terrible tasting tonic. Chief complaints fall to the use of rebaudioside M, which brings an earthiness to every imbibe, as if munching on an unpeeled apple slice dropped in plotting soil. It is not potent enough to truly rev the engines of the fall favorite, which in any other drink would allow sourness to come and run amok. But not here, not with Nello. Tartness is not strong enough either, so each mouthful lacks both the bright sweetness and fresh sourness. What is crazy though is just how well this impersonates the orchard otherwise: if I could just dump a pack of Splenda in, maybe a drop or two of lemon juice, freshly squeezed of course, we would have a real winner here. But alas, I cannot review the drink I wish I was having, making today's crystal clear colored cocktail's failing all the more painful. By missing each of the associated characteristics one expects when biting into the red and green orbs of fleshy goodness, every one of the twelve ounces end up like apples as if born vegetables instead of fruits.

My bonus for making it through an entire can is just 150 milligrams of caffeine, a fair amount, but hardly setting anything in any world on fire. Also bundled along for the very bumpy ride are some amino acids, vitamins and taurine, among others, but my body is nonplussed by their inclusion. Nello? More like "hell no."

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