Juice Monster Voodoo Juice Energy Drink Review

You are telling me that there was not already a grape juice Monster? The Caffeine King must have been hallucinating when reviewing Monster Mixxed way back in 2009. Caffeine is a drug, and if the PSA's had any truth to them, drugs will do that to you. The can is your standard issue from the company, but the avocado green really makes the lavender pop, as well as all the other superfluous elements surrounding that familiar logo.

A measly six percent juice content is apparently enough to call yourself "juice" these days; back in my day, energy drinks had something like, half the total amount of actual nectar, but I digress. The first fruit to appear is white grape, followed by lessening amounts of apple, red grape, concord grape and finally plum, and in theory this should produce a layered flavor, challenging you to think with each passing imbibe. But no, Monster here was uninterested in nuance, supplementing complexity with a saccharinity somehow kept below your average person's daily recommended amount. Thirty six grams and all added, come from that familiar band of sugar, glucose and sucralose. Their handling of the sweetness is able to keep the experience from disintegrating into a syrupy mess, at least. The grape itself is basic and unchallenging, but not as aggressive as an actual cupful of the juice you would buy from the store. It strikes right between munching on both red and green grapes simultaneously, though obviously without the actual health benefits. That is not to say this is not pleasant, because it most certainly is. The child in me adored its innocence, filling my head with recollections of sucking on frozen ice pops in the summer heat. Problem is, I am now a grumpy elder pissed that the memories are now just that.

Just 160 milligrams of caffeine, come on, man, can we not get a few more just once? Vitamins and other supplements (ranging from taurine to inositol) also appear on the back of the crazy can. Overall, Juice Monster Voodoo Juice may be easy to drink, but it holds itself back by a relentless familiarity, and chronic lack of ambition to do anything about it.

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Alani Nu Cherry Bomb Energy Drink Review

Who needs those heart-shaped boxes of chocolate when you can have Alani Nu Cherry Bomb, the romantic energy drink. Or so I am assuming, considering its appearance on store shelves this Valentine's Day. I do enjoy the brand's visual energy, hesitant with text but heavy on the personality, your eyes could spend days soaking up each element individually.

The Caffeine King's Law states that, what smells like medicine will taste like medicine, and that is exactly what happens here. The caramel colored cocktail had never seen nor tasted a cherry before, be it from nature or candy store; the fruit deconstructed and destroyed so brutally that the usual features we look for, like sweetness or acidity, are nothing but words in my review. With zero total grams of sugar, it should come at no surprise that sucralose and ace-k are the experience's sweetener system, but they prove no match for the overwhelming taste of chemicals inside this pretty can. Effervescence is another sore spot, sips sipping like the thousands of little bubbles that should be present peaced out in protest. As I suffered through ounce after ounce, my tongue became so deadened to the antipathetic astringency that things almost resembled a lousy cherry cola. There is no vanilla here, no spice and certainly nothing I would ever willingly drink again, but somehow, the essence of the fleshy drupe sneaks its ugly head in, like a seltzer on a bad day. This is an anti-energy drink.

We at least get 200 milligrams of caffeine, as well as ginseng, taurine and vitamins, but did you not just read what this tastes like? You should run, far away, and just get yourself some Peeps instead. This potent potable just sucks, I would rather be alone on February 14th than suffer through this again. Thank you Alani Nu for getting the "worst energy drink of 2026" out of the way for me just two months in.

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Liquid Death Murder Mystery Sparking Energy Drink Review

Liquid Death? Opposed to what, solid life? Many a times have I eagerly grabbed a can of the brand, mistaking its accelerated ubiquity in stores as some new type of energy drink. But today, finally, that dream came true. I do really enjoy the can here, even though its twelve ounce offering is a bit on the small side. And yes, I can even forgive all the text, which bleeds into the screaming skull decal- what can ya do?

But what kind of flavor is "Murder Mystery?" According to the crystal clear cocktail that pours out from Liquid Death's aluminum transport, the answer is: manically medicinal. Deliberately eschewing stock sweeteners such as sucralose or ace-k, we have allulose and stevia leaf extract, giving each obscured mouthful of misbegotten cherry impersonation this contentious funk that starts the second the liquid touches your lips, and sticks around well after you gulp each gulp down. The ructious earthiness runs afoul without any acidic intervention, so that every mouthful is unorganized and unbalanced. There is a touch of a creamy finish, the potent potion's only real claim to any nuance, but it comes at the cost of the primary selling point of seltzers: the carbonation. What should pound your palate into effervescent submission instead lies relatively flat on the tongue, the little bubbles too coy, their life too short, to truly make any sort of impact. And as I type all this down, I still, still, have so much left to drink, my first real struggle of 2026.

All this disharmony, and just 100 milligrams of caffeine to enjoy. The hour or so long buzz does not disqualify the discordant drink from my wrath, which will most certainly remember this by the time "Your Drink Sucks" comes up later.

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Spylt Caffeinated Strawberry Milk Review

Well slap the coffee out of my hands and color me surprised- today finds us a caffeinated strawberry milk! Actually, this is more a strawberry protein shake ala Muscle Monster, but hey, lemme have this fantasy; the one every young energy fiend dreams of in the cafeteria of their high school, still being served those little cartons of moo juice. The can, however, is a bit of a mess, the white text failing to read well off of the red and pink background.

Pouring out thick like eggnog and hued like bismuth subsalicylate, you take your first sip and by-golly, does this take me back to when I was just a young little Caffeine Prince: this tastes exactly like strawberry milk, and I am all for it. What the fruit lacks in subtle sweetness, bright nuance and fresh juiciness, it more than makes up for by sipping like my youth. The twenty milligrams of protein hardly have any influence over the experience, its usual chalky mouthfeel gone in favor of phenomenal creaminess. What is most surprising though is how the eleven ounce offering offers zero grams of fat, ultrafiltered "skim milk blend" taking the number one spot on the ingredient list. Carrageenan no doubt does much of the textural heavy lifting, somehow able to properly impersonate the milky lush. And then there is the ace-k and sucralose, who handle the sweetening, never taste outwardly artificial, each mouthful being just the right level of saccharine. It might be overly simple and even a bit juvenile, but I could easily crush another Spylt can.

There are just sixty milligrams of my namesake stimulant; it is an unfortunate amount, since the lovely flavor could have easily stood up against a few dozen more milligrams. But with a flavor this good, who the hell cares?

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Monster Orange Dreamsicle Energy Drink Review

With a smaller logo against a vague black backdrop, this is one imposing energy drink. It sat in my fridge for a few weeks, intimidating me from drinking it until, one day I decided I would intimidate it. But then it occurred to me- didn't this very same beverage appear under the sub-brand "Reserve?" I suppose the world will never know.

The flavor is outrageously orange, one that assaults your palate without mercy until it begs for something, anything, to help clear up its fruity intoxication. The can declares this as "wickedly creamy," and I would have to agree: not only are the thousands of tiny little bubbles soft like velvet, they seem almost vanilla flavored. This is the final piece of the creamsicle puzzle and it won me over after several sips of the brightly colored elixir; what it lacks in complexity, it makes up for with unbridled dedication to the simple sapors. Sugar and glucose sweeten without supervision, no acidity strong enough to counteract the caloric salvo that is forty six grams of carbohydrates. Sucralose is here too, I suppose to try and reign things in without a tart bodyguard, and for better or worse, but it has minimal impact on the tongue. Mouthfuls have a heavy mouth feel, a wonderful weight that works against the synthetic sugar implications. But at sixteen ounces, the underdeveloped and uncompromising citrus and spice makes for a lethargic experience, one that may have worked at a smaller dosage but is an absolute struggle in its current stature.

With a rather paltry 160 milligrams of caffeine, the buzz does not meet the standards of its wackadoodle taste, but I will survive. Lasting two hours, I wish there was more of my namesake stimulant, but I guess taurine, inositol and vitamins will just have to do.

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Black Rifle Project Mango Zero Sugar Energy Drink Review

We try to stay out of politics here on The Caffeine King, so why Black Rifle decides to bring them up in the first place is beyond me. Consumers of any kind should be able to purchase the energy drink of their choosing, so long as they reach the recommended age for all that caffeine, and I mean, look at the can here! It is pretty awesome, the bright yellow contrasting wonderfully against the dark black, but then my eyes see that flying flag of fabric and are, again, reminded of the brand's nomistic silliness.

Crystal clear in color, Project Mango comes so close to achieving greatness that it stumbles headfirst into badness. Mango is in-fact tasted and functions alone, but this is not the same fruit you taste from a mouthful of that moist yellow flesh; Black Rifle sacrifices nuance in favor of the kind of rudimentary flavor that gives candy companies their high. The fruit pops for a single moment of splendor per splash on the tongue, only to be immediately washed away by an avalanche of aquatic anguish, like a drop of a real energy drink chased down by a plain seltzer. It is not exactly good but it is kind of interesting, but without a firm sourness, all that is left is sweetness. And that is where my biggest gripe lies, achieved exclusively by sucralose, and boy, does it have some problems. Namely, it just cannot reproduce honest carbohydrates, but we knew that already, but it is a bigger issue here than it should be. The texture is harsh but empty, like a plain setlz- you get the picture. Then there is its artificial aftertaste, something that lingers on like a mouthful of Splenda sachets.

With 200 milligrams of caffeine, the buzz derived here is worthy of its appearance, making its disappointing taste all the more disappointing. Then again, mangoes are not native to the US, making its "all American" fetish even funnier; maybe that is why this soft drink sips so slovenly?

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2025's Your Drink Sucks

Plenty of energy drinks in 2025 sucked, the fire one gets inside from a truly revolting would-be refreshment sometimes more fun than suffering through sips of so many subpar soft drinks. My Pulitzer Prize must still be lost in the mail.

*these are not necessarily products that were released in 2025, but rather those that were reviewed here in 2025.*

Black Rifle Ranger Berry Zero Sugar

Regardless as to your political affiliations, this is a dreadful tasting energy drink.

Alani Nu Cosmic Stardust

Just because I appreciate the brand's dedication to funky flavors does not mean I should sanction their failures.

Java Monster Triple Shot French Vanilla

This will not be appearing on any "visit France" travel brochures.

Mtn Dew Baja Cabo Citrus

Too much sugar and little else, Mtn Dew blind experiments end up taking precious retail store real estate from other, more competent caffeinated cocktails.

Red Bull Zero Sugar Passion Fruit

This Chinese import just tasted wrong.

Lucky OG Luck

The can, for as confused as it is, had a kind of cockeyed appeal to it. The buzz was pretty good. But the taste, yuck; this is Red Bull made by people who have never tasted Red Bull.

G Fuel Miami Nights

With a visual style that rocks, the misguided flavor and enervated buzz really disappoint.

Cypher Ponche De Fruitas

Tasting like a cough drop dropped in plotting soil, Cypher Ponche De Fruitas' truly terrible taste will haunt my palate until the day I myself am in the dirt.