Juice Monster Bad Apple Energy Drink Review

Juice Monster is back with a very naughty apple, though which exact variety has yet to be discovered by this soon-to-be caffeinated tongue. While I do like the tattoo-art visuals on the slab of aluminum, I do not really understand what Miss Lady here has to do with monsters, fruits or energy drinks. Maybe it is the evil witch from "Snow White?" I dunno.

Mildly carbonated and aggressively sweet, Juice Monster Bad Apple resembles a poorly sparkling cider. The unexciting effervescence slows down the elixir's momentum, declining quaffs down to a crawl as you otherwise eagerly look to guzzle down the entire sixteen ounces on offer. It is a real shame, since there is a good raw bite to each imbibe, this earthy edge of legitimacy that only becomes available with honest orchard involvement. Sugar, glucose and sucralose sweetens well, but it is the potent potable's tartness that sincerely makes sips shine. It, combined with the saccharinity, almost clumps up in the back of your throat, as if pulp is building up, a fabulous facsimile of what happens with honest mouthfuls of the stuff fresh from the tree. In addition to actual apple juice concentrate, we also have pear puree, which adds little in terms of actual flavor, but does dull the presence of the yellow, red and green autumn orbs. Even the most accomplished of palates would fail to identify which cultivars are involved, the whole thing homogenized into a sleek but indistinguished energy drink. Too bad we get so little personality here, especially when its artwork has so much.

160 milligrams of caffeine appears and does its job then goes home. The buzz is a serviceable two and a half hour long one, with familiar favorites ranging from taurine to inositol to B vitamins. It too does not live up to the charismatic can.

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Mtn Dew Green Label Soda Review

A surprisingly appealing can, this Mtn Dew is one of three in their "Label" line, at least according to my interwebs sleuthing. There is a lot going on in the design, busy white text and graphics that are easily noticeable off of the forest green backdrop, but it all works here, achieving a level of controlled chaos the main Mtn Dew drinks usually are overtaken by.

The flavor is one of the best the company has pushed out in years, the base fruits of Mtn Dew veiled by a composed sourness that puckers just enough to gently yank at the edge of your lips. Any claim of apple is a lie- you taste the fruity idiosyncrasy of kiwi just above the trademark lemon, lime and melon flavors. Sweetness is another highlight, thirty five grams cane sugar and however much the juice content adds, in addition to sucralose and ace-k. It is well balanced, slightly syrupy and gritty but never overwhelming: it is exactly what this flavor needs. Sixteen ounces might be a tall order for an experience of such relative simplicity, never evolving much between your first and final imbibe, but gosh, what a world if all the company's caffeinated cocktail varieties were as carefully crafted as this one here?

Each can contains eighty three milligrams of caffeine, but that is it. For a soda lover looking for a kick, it will do, but only Mtn Dew lovers will find much to appreciate in the ingredients list.

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Nello Apple Rush Energy Drink Review

Hello Nello, or so I imagine the TV ads would say. The interwebs tells me this is exclusive to the retail giant Target, but is that just this variety or the entire brand? You may assume the can would fill me in, but it is too busy telling you (twice, I might add) of its purported flavor, as well as puffery pieces like "focus." Sigh, if only the company had done that themselves.

It is autumn, so all the apple energy drinks poke out from behind the woodwork. Nello certainly smells the part, and upon first sip, you can see where they were going and appreciate their ambition. However, this is a terrible tasting tonic. Chief complaints fall to the use of rebaudioside M, which brings an earthiness to every imbibe, as if munching on an unpeeled apple slice dropped in plotting soil. It is not potent enough to truly rev the engines of the fall favorite, which in any other drink would allow sourness to come and run amok. But not here, not with Nello. Tartness is not strong enough either, so each mouthful lacks both the bright sweetness and fresh sourness. What is crazy though is just how well this impersonates the orchard otherwise: if I could just dump a pack of Splenda in, maybe a drop or two of lemon juice, freshly squeezed of course, we would have a real winner here. But alas, I cannot review the drink I wish I was having, making today's crystal clear colored cocktail's failing all the more painful. By missing each of the associated characteristics one expects when biting into the red and green orbs of fleshy goodness, every one of the twelve ounces end up like apples as if born vegetables instead of fruits.

My bonus for making it through an entire can is just 150 milligrams of caffeine, a fair amount, but hardly setting anything in any world on fire. Also bundled along for the very bumpy ride are some amino acids, vitamins and taurine, among others, but my body is nonplussed by their inclusion. Nello? More like "hell no."

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Rockstar Xdurance Super Sour Apple Energy Drink Review

I am not sure what happened to Rockstar, but the brand is stalling. At least, if the shelves of my local stores are to be believed. Recently, only one or two cans sit next to rows of Red Bulls, Monsters and Bangs; perhaps it is the company's focus on revamping their existing varieties instead of revolutionizing the soft drink genre? Then again, what do I know... I have only penned over 1000 reviews over the years. I know I know, a real knucklehead.

If you tell me your drink is not only going to be sour but "super" sour, then I expect an acidity that will knock not just my socks off, but my shoes too and food jewelry as well. Rockstar failed last time with this flavor, and despite a few changes to the ingredient list, there is minimal rejigging to taste. Apple is the focus but it is a candy impersonation, you know the drill. This means that sip after sip is sweet for the sake of being saccharine, with as little tartness as possible. No gulp resembles biting into the skinned flesh fruit, a little pulp dripping down your chin as you grin with glee at picking the most ripe piece of produce from the tree. Instead this is an experience so obviously straight from a company's flavor lab, not necessarily a bad thing, but without actual sugar, the diet sugars sucralose and ace-k rule and ruin things right into the ground before you finish your first mouthful.

Ten calories, 300 milligrams of sugar, electrolytes and a bunch of other supplements make for a pretty rocking kick, lasting four hours if I am generous. Overall, Rockstar Xdurance Super Sour Green Apple is not good, and that is me still being generous.

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Alani Nu Witch's Brew Energy Drink Review

I am not sure how this is any different from the last time Alani Nu Witch's Brew appeared here on The Caffeine King, aside from a new can and a few more milligrams of this or few milligrams less of that. The design this time around looks just as "Halloween" as before, though the darker green logo is hard to read against the dark purple backdrop.

Cracking open the can unleashes an odor so thick with Granny Smith apple that you begin to wonder if they just shoved an entire piece inside. Sadly no, there is no actual juice here, but the flavor is a good one, an acidity exercise in pushing the palate deep into the realm of diet candy shop cocktail concoctions. The aforementioned variety of the autumn fruit favorite is tasted alone and it loves its solitude, if I close my eyes I could picture myself on muddy grounds picking fresh green orbs off of the tree late October, nectar dripping down from my lips as I crunch hard into its bright white flesh. Then I snap out of it, I mean, I am sitting at my dinky little desk, far from the orchard. There is no caramel here, in case you were frisky for info like that, but hey, I have always been more of a candy apple person. The acidity is perfect and puckering, but it is how it completely keeps your tongue from detecting the use of sugar-free sugars erythritol, sucralose and ace-k. The texture might not have much heft, but so what? There was never a sip in the twelve ounces offered that made me think of my waistline.

OK I lied, I have never had a candied apple. But I have experienced Alani Nu's energy formulation before: this is the same ol' two and a half hour long buzz as any other. In addition to 200 milligrams of caffeine, we have also taurine, vitamins, guarana, you know, the usual suspects. Overall, this is a tasty remake of something that tasted more or less the same.

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Red Bull Zero with Monk Fruit Energy Drink Review

Monk fruit extract is all the original characteristics of Red Bull's new "Zero" Edition (and a few shades lighter, too, from the earlier iteration). And frankly, that hardly constitutes calling this anything other than a mild refresh. Visually, it barely stands out against the other, more colorful iterations in the line, though I am sure there is someone, some undercaffeinated health nut who's mouth is just drooling over this. Alas, that ain't me.

Red Bull commits a bit of a marketing misdemeanor here, as though monk fruit extract is involved, it does not act alone. In fact, it works alongside erythritol and, gasp, synthetic sugar sucralose! This soft drink suffers significantly from the diet honey cocktail, sips never really tasting sweet enough, leaving things to become dominated by this herbal funk who runs amok without saccharine supervision. Some acidity tries to establish dominance but it is quickly swatted away, so all you have is the fleeting memory of a bygone tartness. The lack of an honest saccharinity impacts how things everything feels, leaving you with these hollow mouthfuls that lack the textural intricacy that one pines for as they grab a thirst quencher, reduced calorie or not. But what does this actually taste like, you might ask, but only if you are new to the realm of energy drinks; apple, vanilla and bubble gum make up this stock experience. But wait, there is more! There is the inescapable strain of metal here too, my tongue suspects from the metal can, something a more potent, or at least better constructed, flavor profile could have avoided.

The buzz is substandard in today's crowded energy drink shelf, 114 milligrams of caffeine just does not cut it; if the company is willing to get frisky with its flavors, then why not its power blend?! Overall, Red Bull Zero with Monk Fruit is without much success.

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Irn Bru Soda Review

Irn Bru is an interesting beverage, albeit ugly and wrongheaded in its appearance. Gross orange permeates through the tall, clear plastic bottle, with even more nasty orange rounded out by some decent blue color. The stylized illustration of the athlete adds a level of misguided novelty to this imported potation.

Disgusting chemical creaminess punches out of the nearly seventeen ounce bottle, and out from inside these transparent walls comes a comparable taste. It is sweet, sickly so, with the taste of bubble gum on the forefront, vanilla relaxing in the back and a slight burn of ginger. Every gulp is super-smooth with carbonation nearly absent, a mouthfeel appropriate for only some of the several dissonant flavors. The spicy rhizome especially begs each imbibe for a harsher effervescence, slinking sadly into the background as it watches the common spice lush lovingly over the general stillness. But as gulps are gulped down and the bright golden elixir enters your tummy, vanilla becomes about all you can taste, bogging down the experience with its gooey, relentless saccharinity so that the entire enterprise ends up feeling like this came in a much larger transport than it actually did.

Each bottle contains: some caffeine, about 200 calories and fifty grams of sugar. Things are comparable to gulping down a Mountain Dew, save for some grams of sugar. Overall, Irn Bru is a bizarre, colloquial exercise in exotic badness.

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