Starbucks Frappuccino Lite Double Chocolate Gelato Review

Finally, a ready-to-drink coffee that will not have you rushing out to buy pants the next size up. This Starbucks' Frappuccino here has just 100 calories, and the baby blue signaling its diet distinction works well against the brown of both the coffee and the label. But what kind of flavor is "double chocolate gelato?" Was "single chocolate" just not enough?

A gentle twist of the metal lid and off it comes, exposes a large cavity filled with little bubbles from the good ol' shake I gave it. The flavor is both under and overwhelming, and never quite in a good way- the three and a half grams of fat immediately clings to your tongue, refusing to leave and staining your entire palate with a mix of cheap chocolate and diet sweetener. We have nine grams of sugar, none of which is added, but the experience is so sodden with the synthetic sugar sucralose that it becomes about all you can taste. The rare moment your poor mouth is able to notice something other than artificial honey, it ends up being a most unsatisfying mocha. Missing is the robust oomph my body pined for, instead it is slightly chalky and one-dimensional. The only thing worthy of any positives is the dairy goodness, a mix of reduced-fat milk, skim milk and cream who's velvety texture truly feels good to drink as you knock back sips. You may have noticed I have not mentioned that delicious bean brew yet; that is because none of the nine and a half ounces ever taste like it. Silly me for expecting coffee in my chilled coffee drink.

I wish I did not have to check the interwebs, but the heavy glass jar here does not mention how much caffeine is inside. Considering the quantity is just forty milligrams, I suppose I am not surprised they were too ashamed.

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Death Wish Coffee Company Premium Vanilla Latte Review

Tonight, we review an aging Charles Bronson in "Death Wish, coffee?" The Death Wish brand has existed for some time, and even I have enjoyed a mugful of the bitter bean beverage, freshly brewed, and all I can remember is thinking to myself that it was not exactly worth the high price. But what about a can of the stuff, conveniently packaged for ease of consumption, and get a review to boot, well, color me intrigued.

With milk as its first ingredient, bringing to the experience three and a half grams of fat (half of which is saturated), mouthfuls are fatty like a bite of ice cream. The texture is heavy, sticking then slowly crawling down your palate no matter which number sip it is. Fortunately there is real sugar here, sixteen total grams of the stuff, half of which is added, and the slight toothsome grit of the grainy sweetener is able to just barely begin to break up the lardaceous grasp of the moo juice. But by this point, you have gulped nearly all of the eleven ounces on offer here, and your body begins to scream internally, crazed with frustration as it ingests yet another canned coffee cocktail that does not taste like coffee! The flavor is vanilla, as expected, an unspectacular simulation of the world's second most expensive spice that replaces its innate nuance with more saccharinity. Yet I keep coming back to my tongue, and how it could not detect any of that caustic roasty-toasty goodness a product named "Death Wish" suggests; it must be based on the fifth film.

Just how much caffeine do we have here? No idea: the can reads "up to as much caffeine as one and a half cups of coffee," a line that sounds good in a commercial but fails to hold any weight; is it comparing to a standard six ounce cup of coffee? What about the brew method, or type of beans used. Or roasting method. If only all this could be solved with an actual amount...

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Victor Allen's Peppermint Mocha Iced Coffee Latte Review

If the crowded stores are any indication, the holiday season is upon us, and Victor Allen's hopes to give shoppers a pick-me-up as they wait in line for the one open register at their local Walmart. The can is decent enough, red like the purported peppermint flavor, but a brief glace at the design fails to scream "mocha."

The flavor is a bomb, making the critical mistake of suffocating peppermint to the point where sips have all the minty goodness of orange juice after you brush your teeth. The mocha is the more noticeable of the two, but neither hang around very long. A good thing? Ha, it would be if mouthfuls did not climax with a metallic twang. It lingers behind, almost demanding you take another gulp in a vain to try and cleanse your palate, but no, the aftertaste just remains, getting strong with each imbibe. The texture is thin and watery, two grams of fat from cream but skim milk appears first in the ingredient list, and the eleven ounces is a struggle. The mouthfeel has no heft to it, no personality, so all we have is this awful flavor to experience. 

Nowhere on the can does it say how much caffeine there is here, but do not be surprised if your body has you reaching for another caffeinated potable after about an hour. In the end, Victor Allen's Peppermint Mocha is not the most wonderful thing I have had all year.

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Starbucks Chocolate Cream Cold Brew Premium Coffee Drink Review

Unlike much of the company's canned caffeinated coffee cocktails, Starbucks Chocolate Cream Cold Brew does not explicitly call itself an "energy beverage," which is fine by me. Who needs the formulators being distracted by having to do anything but make a good RTD java? The can certainly is proud of its grounds steeping method, with the text "Cold Brew" appearing far larger than even the brand-name itself! But it is busy, with funky visuals and its alleged flavor written twice!

Somehow, with three grams of fat, half of which is saturated, the texture here is thinner than distilled water. Mouthfuls crash onto the palate with zero weight, perhaps having to do with skim milk appearing second (cream clocking in lower at number four) on the ingredient list, and you swish the cinnamon colored concoction around your mouth, hoping that some lardy goodness with cling to the walls of your tongue. But alas, that does not happen, instead washing away in a most unsatisfying climax, one filled only with the diluted nuance of something that once was a coffee, but is far past its prime. As for the bean brew, you get a hint of that lusted bitterness beneath a sweetness that only knows how to be sweet. There is no depth to any sip, especially the purported "chocolate cream," which has about as much cacao civility as Yoo-hoo. Still, I did deplete the contents of the can in what felt like record time, with only a drop or two left mere moments after cracking it open; suppose that is something.

Being very much not an energy coffee, the buzz here is not unlike your morning mugful from your favorite drip-brewer; it is about the only wholly satisfactory element here, actually.

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Mr. Brown Vanilla Iced Coffee Review

After many years, Mr. Brown returns to the land of The Caffeine King, still wearing that all-white leisure suit that I am surprised does not have a coffee stain or two on it. (He is also quite corpulent for a man who drinks black coffee.) But the design is a cartoony mess who's best characteristic is the chubby can.

The thick metal walls pour a thin-bodied coffee, almost overly sweet and slightly stained of vanilla. It is your usual canned coffee, but there is something wrong here; the texture is a bit off, every sip swishes effortlessly from tastebud to tastebud without much in the way of weight- thanks no doubt to just containing milk powder, the third ingredient. Water is number one, with sugar right behind it, but most disheartening is "coffee flavor" listed as number four- what kind of "iced coffee" contains milk powder and coffee flavor? It is far from an undrinkable experience, and the eight plus ounces are a breeze to gulp down, Mr. Brown is far from your ideal container of java.

Each can contains, well, what I listed above. For a kick, it is equivalent of your average mug of instant coffee. Overall, Mr. Brown Vanilla is a bizarrely boilerplate beverage.

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Madrinas Cold Brew Cafe Mocha Coffee Review

Discounted at the local Walmart, Madrinas Cold Brew Mocha's can is without dents and the "sell by" date is months away- why is this clearanced? The can is no more than what you would expect from the realm of cold brew coffees, but for all the mountains in the distance, soft fonts and general clean aluminum real estate, the design's a real bore!

The flavor may be why the nearby megamart knocked a few percentages off- it is not any good. But first the good news- when you can get any mocha flavor, it is quite pleasant! There is depth to the cacao, implying that your next sip will introduce something new. But every imbibe is a terribly journey in sourness, a tang that would feel more at home in a greek yogurt than in a canned commercial coffee. Maybe it is the lardless dairy, thanks to only nonfat milk at work here, but something is "off" with each mouthful, the tartness battling your palate for trying to discover some nuance to the chocolate and coffee. Oh my the coffee! There is not a gulp that tastes like anything but a misguided, mutilated mocha milkshake!

For all the struggling, there is only 100 milligrams of caffeine; for 240 calories and fifty grams of sugar, that is all we get? The buzz is a chore to get to, because it is a chore to drink entirely, but once you do, it is a middling, hour and a half long buzz that simply is not worth the trouble.

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Starbucks Tripleshot Bold Mocha Energy Coffee Review

How is the "Bold Mocha" any different from Starbucks's previous "Cafe Mocha?" Both are part of the company's "Tripleshot Energy" branding, though the can here is a little eleven ounces, opposed to the larger fifteen. I do like the design here; even if it becomes a bit too heavy with text; words only move in a single direction, so your eyes have no trouble reading just what the heck we intend to drink today.

Have I had a "bolder" mocha before? Probably, as mouthfuls here are chalky and generally unpleasant to sip through. For once, I am happy the serving size has been reduced compared to its contemporaries. There is a weird astringency present in each and every sip, as if the 165 milligrams of caffeine and other supplements simply could not be masked by the two grams of fat and twenty two grams of sugar. But no, I know what is actually going on: inside the aluminum walls lives eight grams of protein, so gulps have this mossy, awkward personality that feels under-sweetened and overemphasized. This extends to the texture, which is heavy, gelled and generally difficult to work through- in fact, by the time you swallow the stiff substance, you immediately discover a thick film on your palate, a nasty reminder of a product gone awry. As for the coffee, the present asperity exists on the tongue independently from the bean brew's beloved bitterness, a characteristic so strong that it becomes all you can taste. It does not take long to recognize that there is no java here, only disappointment.

The two and a half hour long buzz here is nice but does not make up for the horrid taste. In addition to the aforementioned quantity of my namesake chemical, we have various vitamins, ginseng, guarana, and yes, protein. I do not know if the latter has anything to do with why I drink something caffeinated in the morning, but oh well. Avoid.

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Java Monster Irish Crème Energy Coffee Review

Of all the potent potables to be remade, Java Monster Irish Blend, reviewed here back in the blissfully ignorant days in the year 2010, was not one I ever expected. In fact, I honestly forgot that product existed. Yet here we are with their latest offering, Irish Crème. See, totally different.

The can hits all the right notes, the green working well with the visual wood grain texture and the refreshing dearth of unnecessary text.

How this is any different, flavor-wise, is a mystery but I do not really care, because this is surprisingly tasty. I do wish we had more coffee, since, you know, that is what this masquerades as, but for a caffeinated canned milkshake, you could do a lot worse, even from Monster themselves. Mouthfuls are caked in a most luxurious fattiness, like sipping on melted ice cream, with remote notes of cocoa and cinnamon amongst a more consistent abundance of vanilla. There is a most faded mention of actual java, something I always wish these things were less afraid of highlighting, but what slight roasty-toasty goodness and bitterness is here works as a sort of supporting character to the rest. Considering this is an Irish cream (oh sorry, crème), I welcome that there was no attempt to shoehorn some false alcoholic flavor into the otherwise palatable potent potation, but as ounces fall from the aluminum walls and onto my eager tongue, the more the experience becomes one-note. Just sweetened cream by the end, the aforesaid spice and chocolate nuances lost inside a sea of sugar, glucose and sucralose. And fat, my golly is thing beginning to feel like gulping on liquid butter.

The 200 milligrams of caffeine is enough to sate my morning needs. The buzz is a nice two and half hour long one, nothing unusual here. Other ingredients include B vitamins, taurine, ginseng, the works. Overall, Java Monster Irish Crème is better than the sum of its parts.

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Java Monster Salted Caramel Energy Coffee Review

The boring brown can here looks almost no different from many of the myriad of other varieties in the Java spinoff of the Monster line. It has a woodgrain background, minimal text, and, well, not much else. What does that mean, ladies and germs? It means that there is not much else to say here.

Twenty five grams of sweetness, from sugar, glucose, and caramelized sugar, craft the saccharine experience you would expect- oh, and do not forget the dash of sucralose added for waist-friendly saccharinity. It works decently well to all the milkiness, every gulp thick with fattiness, from the can's five grams, although each imbibe has a greater heaviness than the fat-content would suspect; a touch of some artificially thickener lurks about. The caramel flavor is surprisingly restrained, leaving the super-sugariness to do almost all of the talking; and let me tell you, seldom do sips showcase this solicited sapor. The saltiness, achieved at least from the 550 milligrams of sodium, is milder than anticipated and unfortunately so, lost inside the beverage's heavy love for cream and honey; knock the word "Salted" off of the can and the taste would not have even been noticed. Overall, not a glorious extension of the large Java Monster line, but I drank the entire can sooner than I thought; that sounds like it means something.

The energy cocktail reads as follows: taurine, ginseng, caffeine (170 milligrams), inositol, guarana, vitamin C, and B vitamins. The kick is exactly the two and a half hour one you would expect; a gradual and rather pleasant buzz that you just wished lasted a bit longer, considering the premium price some stores charge for the fifteen ounce drink. In the end, Java Monster Salted Caramel does taste something like coffee, caramel, and does provide some energy. It fits the bill, however, it never goes above and beyond.

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Dunkin' Coffee Cake Muffin Iced Coffee Review

The irony of a coffee cake (muffin) flavored coffee is not lost on me, but one wishes Dunkin' played into the silliness. Instead, the can has all the personality of a half-empty store at 2:14pm in New England, which I suppose was the only way that really make sense. The fonts and colors are familiar to anyone who has ever even seen a location, but gosh is it busy, requiring more reading than the ingredient list of one of their actual coffee cake muffins.

The Caffeine King has experienced one previous cinnamon coffee before in the form of Starbucks Doubleshot Cinnamon Dulce way back in 2009, which is funny when you consider they are competitors! But like in the real world, Dunkin' ain't got nothing on its more pretentious and expensive enemy. Mouthfuls are fatty but unsatisfying, the dairy smacking your palate for all but a moment before apologizing and trying to fade into the background. As for the cinnamon, there certainly is some here but it has absolutely no spunk, tasting old and metallic like it was found in one of those nasty tins of pre-ground sawdust your grandma still has in her cabinet from the 1970's. It does not have the fire that you expect from the bark, the experience settling for simply sweet. I mean hey, it makes some sense considering this is based on a coffee cake muffin, only without the dense, moist texture of an actual baked good. As for coffee, because yeah this is a RTD coffee at the end of the day, do not go expecting much outside the occasional touch of bitterness that sometimes somehow escapes the saccharine dominance.

We have 141 milligrams of caffeine, but who cares? This is not marketed as an energy coffee, and so anything above the eighty milligram mark is just overkill. Why am I so upset at more of my namesake chemical? Because the visuals and taste (and price, honestly) do not justify such a mediocre buzz. It is the only aspect here that comes close to being fulfilling, and even then, it only just hits the mark. All in all, this is crap and I am tired of reviewing crap

Dear companies, stop producing crap.Thank you, sincerely, The Caffeine King.

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Starbucks Tripleshot Milk Chocolate Zero Sugar Energy Coffee Review

I do love it when a big company gets a bit more comfortable with their brands and release something creative. Today's example is Starbucks' Tripleshot Milk Chocolate Zero Sugar, which has all the fat but none of the, well, sugar. We have had reduced calorie energy coffees on The Caffeine King before, but none from a brand quite so ubiquitous as Starbucks, who's logos and design language is front-and-center on this otherwise busy can.

How this is "milk chocolate" and not "mocha" is beyond my palate's comprehension, because what we have here is the same old flavor so many tongues have tested. That on its own is not a bad thing, mind you, but milk chocolate is characterized by its sweetness, something achieved here via the synthetic sugar sucralose and inositol (a sugar alcohol). This leaves the experience with a sort of chemical bitterness, astringency absolutely unlike that of an actual coffee. The cocoa ends up without a pleasant candied mouthfeel, which is only further destroyed by the use of ghee butter, oils and gums, a texture so chalky you feel you might burp up dust. And just when you thought you were almost done here, you pick up the aluminum transport, only to realize you have over half a can left. Please, someone send help!

225 milligrams of caffeine makes for a good kick, a three hour long one that I am not totally convinced is worth suffering through for. Overall, Starbucks Tripleshot Milk Chocolate Zero Sugar trips hard over its own ambition.

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Twix Iced Coffee by Victor Allen's Review

Some buy RTD coffees for the quick pick-me-up, others drink it for the roaster's recognition. Others buy it for the license recognition, which is to say I have never heard anyone anywhere ever say they wanted a "Victor Allen's" coffee. The candy is simply slapped on, as if that is enough, though the more I think about it, I guess it is. I mean, I bought a bottle. Then again, it is almost Halloween, and Twix is one of my go-to confections to tear open on my dentist's favorite, or least favorite, day of the year.

The scent is of a cheap chocolate candle, waxy and artificial, and upon breaching the shrink-wrapped safety seal and taking that first sip, the taste about lines up with it. Twix is of course a candy bar consisting of three distinct districts, but this is your dollar store mocha coffee if I have ever tasted one. It is an incomplex rendition of a flavor that can be as nuanced as the manufacturer desires, and Victor Allen's here settles for the bare minimum, worse than the likes of compound chocolate by the confection's actual maker Mars. (Or is that Hershey's?) But I digress: as for the sticky sugar syrup known as caramel, the experience certainly is sweet, stupidly sweet I might add, but it lacks the hearty texture and slight burnt edges of its inspiration. That leaves the cookie crunch, which the company never stood a chance at replicating. A bit of malty goodness could have at least shown some sort of effort on their part, but that would have required care and attention to detail, something I only occasionally offer my reviews.

This is not an energy coffee but that does not excuse them for not disclosing how much caffeine is here. My morning stimulant need was satiated but only just, and honestly felt more like an extreme sugar rush than anything, thanks to forty total grams of the carbohydrate. In the end, Twix Iced Coffee by Victor Allen's does not give you the impression that you are eating the real thing, it just makes you wish you were.

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Starbucks Doubleshot Mexican Mocha Energy Coffee Review

This Starbucks variety is visually is okay; it gets its point across, telling the consumer that this is a coffee, made from Starbucks, and its chocolate flavored. However, the radiant red top and nethermost circle struggle to harmonize with the browns and the whites of the painted aluminum.

For three grams of fat and twenty nine grams of sugar, this mocha experience is neither creamy or sweet enough. Every sip is thinner than it should be, without the weight or lardaceousness from all the saturated fat. The Mexican chocolate taste is disappointing, lacking the spicy punch of cinnamon or the expensive depth of vanilla. Instead, we have a Hershey's syrup flavor, thick and gooey without the intricacy or saccharinity. Actual coffee is also vaporous, never influencing the beverage outside the can; none of the bitter complexities or acidity, leaving a pale brown paste on the tongue. Things climax with a gossamery chalky mouthfeel, a relief from the rarefied texture but is simply a stymied substitution.

Every can contains: caffeine, taurine, inositol, ginseng, guarana, and B vitamins. Kicking like a coffee, the buzz lasted two hours at most, though there was more of a sugar rush. On the whole, Starbucks Doubleshot Mexican Mocha will disappoint you before you can finish saying its long name.

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CAF Fusion Java Jolt Energy Coffee Review

Java Jolt is the first of several CAF Fusion energy coffees my hometown Job Lots were selling, eight ounces with one of the most generic cans in a while. There is everything wrong with energy drinks that you usually found on bargain drinks of years past: you have crackling lightning bolts, around four separate fonts, a confusing layout and, to top it all off, a horrible name. It makes sense when you think hard about it, but its silly inconsistent capitalization of letters and a cumbersome pronunciation makes this one drink from the energy beverage stone age.

A hard shake of the can causing an underwhelming explosion that floods the top rim. Each sip crashes onto the tongue with a body as thin as water, and as thin as I wish I was. It is stained of burnt coffee with slight cocoa nuance, the eight ounce's only glimpse of flavor soon drowned out by the melancholic mouthfeel of skimmed moo-juice. Non-dairy creamer is the third ingredient and shamefully so, with the only milk coming from the nonfat, dry variety, the two masterminds behind the aqueous experience. Eighteen grams of sugar do sweeten things pleasantly, however, but a decent saccharinity is not what the 237 milliliters need. Every imbibe leaves your palate pining for a more tenacious texture and weight, and more substantial impersonation of the bean brew.

Each can contains: four and a half grams of fat, 150 calories, some taurine, a pinch of ginseng, a dash of guarana, and 135 milligrams of caffeine. The buzz is easily the best thing about this, lasting two solid hours without a subsequent crash. Everything considered, CAF Fusion Java Jolt is less than the inadequate sum of its parts, only worse than that.

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Java Monster Vanilla Light Energy Coffee Review

What am I doing here? Java Monster Vanilla Light was a disappointing entry in the line, so why revisit it? It have a few more grams of caffeine? According to my original review it does. But is that all? Well, who knows, but we do see its can has not gotten better with age. It is no different, save for some new text here and old text moved there. The dreary white hurts eyes who look for too long, clean but of bleached melancholy.

Your mouth is impressed at first contact with the Caucasian concoction, albeit briefly. Each diet sip does not grip the tongue as it leisurely paints palates of a creamy nuance. Instead each sip skims the tongue, its attenuate viscosity guaranteeing against any ounce of lard from locking on to the muscle and staining it of its pined unctuousness. Any vanilla is lost in the wateriness, deceiving documentation behind the barely sweet sweetness and fatless fattiness. Sure, there is some fat here, a surprising three grams, two even being saturated, but saturated in what? Water?! A depthless drink, a dull diluted drink without climax, a disgustingly deficient experience of how never to make an energy coffee. You want a low calorie coffee? You drink it black.

Each can contains vitamins, caffeine (185 milligrams), taurine, ginseng, inositol, guarana and others. Any energy should last just south of three and a half hours, a pretty solid kick for any brand. On the whole, Java Monster Vanilla Light is the kind of awful you would not feel bad about pawning it off onto unsuspecting friends to vomit up. Its almost a "so bad it is good" sort of experience, except for drinks, if it is bad, it is just bad.

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Chamberlain Coffee Cold Brew Latte Review

I really like how Chamberlain Cold Brew Latte looks, with some robust browns dripping onto the baby blue. But it is the little pink elephant that is my favorite, slurping up some java with a grin of absolute euphoria. Why the coffee in the jug is black, where as per the ingredients this most certainly is not, is beyond me, but hey, let us just enjoy the visuals.

As anyone with access to the interwebs, "latte" is espresso with steamed milk. This however, is made with cold brew and is dairy free, so I ask, is this really a latte? Not that I care; I am no snobby connoisseur, but the marketing does show its cracks the more you actually think about what you are about to consume. The taste is actually quite pleasant, a rather robust bean brew that is allowed some bitterness thanks to the lack of any actual milk or cream to deaden. The seven grams of fat, three and a half of which are saturated, come from coconut cream and almond butter if I were to make an educated guess, and they provide an indistinct nuttiness to mouthfuls. It rounds off the sometimes harsh astringency coffee can concoct, but it never ends up resembling hazelnut flavored or anything. Is the overall experience decent? Yes, but it never feels cohesive on the tongue, a bunch of disparate elements all shoved into a twelve ounce can and sold on Walmart shelves.

The buzz is without a doubt the weakest thing here, with just seventy milligrams of caffeine to get your morning started. But then again, this is not an energy drink in the strictest sense, so what can I say? Oh and before we end here, I need to mention how the back of the can reads "love, Emma." I like to think that is the little elephant talking, and Emma, thank you.

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Dunkin' Cake Batter Donut Iced Coffee Review

America might run on Dunkin', but The Caffeine King sure don't. What we have here is another RTD product from the license, after 2019's dismal "Shot in the Dark," and the can is a busy mess of redundant text. Most scrolls from left to right, but "cake batter donut" has no business being written twice, and in two different sizes!

The flavor is, well, its about as white as coffee a consumer could order to go alongside their literal donut. There is no baked good goodness here, oh no, just marketing fluffery to describe what really ends up being "vanilla." That is not itself a bad thing, but being mislead feels bad, man. With six grams of fat, four of which are saturated, mouthfuls are heavy and luxurious, with any more than the provided eleven ounces probably proving too much for a single sitting. Yet the biggest issue is the complete lack of actual coffee taste; sips come and go without any bitterness tickling the back of your tongue, no acidic bite to help perk you up on a lazy Sunday morning. This is what we so often call a caffeinated milkshake, New England-style.

There is no mention of being an "energy coffee," but the 135 milligrams of caffeine involved do a decent job giving you a reason for waking up. Overall, Dunkin' Cake Batter Donut Iced Coffee is drinkable, but frustratingly just so.

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Snickers Iced Coffee by Victor Allen's Review

In the world of ready-to-drink coffees, Victor Allen's is not exactly in the same league as Starbucks. But they are apparently big enough to land a license like the popular candy bar Snickers, but so what? This tall glass bottle may prominently feature the proper brands and products, but discount store shoppers like me recognize that large "V" logo as something other than a symbol of quality.

That stupid plastic wrap around the lid was a pain to get off, but I did it. I must be stronger than I look, I know. The scent is spot-on, smelling of roasted nuts with whiffs of cocoa, but man, that first sip, woof. The dairy tastes turned, not rotten but more like a day past the expiration date, but this unpleasantness lasts only a moment or two before all you can taste is sweetness. It is unnecessary yes, but it is better than the alternative there. It never resembles caramel, you know, one of the major aspects of the candy bar, but whatever. There is hardly any chocolate to taste, little of the mocha promised by the confection, but there is plenty of nuttiness. It is a simple flavor however, and a bit of saltiness would have gone a long way in defending against the saccharinity.

I have no idea how much caffeine is here, but that does not stop me from reporting the hour and a half long buzz I got. It felt more like a long sugar-rush, but I ain't complaining. Overall, Victor Allen's Snickers Iced Coffee is a few pegs below mediocre.

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Super Coffee Peppermint Mocha Latte Energy Coffee Review

Super Coffee is back after a very bad Maple Pumpkin variety a few years ago, but let us put blinders on to the world and hope that was just a fluke. The bottle is white and green but that does not make any sense- peppermint is red, hell they even have an image of the confection right there on the design.

Two-for-two, Super Coffee, you disappoint. Your first imbibe is an ugly crash of all things going wrong at the same time, from texture to taste to aftertaste. Immediately you notice something is amok when that initial mouthful fills your mouth, the body thin and missing the fatty mouthfeel you expect when you see two and a half grams of fat on the ingredients list, all of which is saturated I might add. I suspect it is the use of milk protein isolate over something like straight cream, but hey, I ain't no scientist. Once you get past its expired consistency, your tongue is appalled by the flavor itself, one where coffee hardly tries to resemble your favorite morning mugful. Both peppermint and mocha appear but are experienced like they are far-away, diluted in a bath of funky nothingness; you tell me there's peppermint, and damn it I want to taste it! I want my breath to stink like an elf's! But nothing is more unpleasant than when you finally swallow, the monk fruit and stevia leaving behind an ungainly stain of sugar free sugariness that only strengthens with every successive sip.

But that buzz right? 200 milligrams of caffeine provides a nice three hour long kick, and is the only area where I am impressed. Oh, I mean it is cool that this is gluten and lactose free, folks with those allergies need products for them, and I appreciate that, but they deserve better than Super Coffee Peppermint Mocha Latte.

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Tazzy Caffeine! Dark Chocolate Mocha Hard Candy Review

Tazzy's caffeinated dark chocolate mocha hard candies have way, and I mean, way too much going on. Not the looks, I appreciate its hipster appearance, but golly why did they take the "everything but the kitchen sink" approach? It is also sugar free, an oxymoron of sorts considering this is a candy, but I am too tired.

The quarter sized pucks are a dull brown and individually wrapped, rounded edges and generally look like board game pieces than anything its busy packaging purports. Tearing the small pouch and popping one in my mouth, my tongue immediately notices the involvement of isomalt thanks to its glassy texture. It hardly melts to your tongue's warmth, so you taste little by little of chocolate, followed by a slight bitterness and finally an astringent aftertaste that lingers a bit too long. One the disk cracks and shards toss across the palate, they crumble quickly with only a mild force of the jaw, but the same holds true: you can taste the coffee only because of the acrid overtones. It is not bad necessarily, but there are ten pieces here and I could not imagine stomaching them all in any sort of succession.

There is about twenty five milligrams of caffeine per candy, and after two myself, the buzz is about as good as that amount implies. Overall, Tazzy Caffeine! Dark Chocolate Mocha Hard Candy is better and worse than anticipated.

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