Juice Monster Strawberry Lemonade Energy Drink Review

There is likely some audience for a patriotic energy drink, but in today's climate, why take that chance? Just produce a potent potable all people would feel comfortable purchasing, but then again I what do I know? I have only been reviewing these things for over a decade. The can itself is pleasant enough, with a monster truck, woman in a bikini, an eagle wearing gun glasses and a bandanna, and my personal favorite, a ripped George Washington on a motorcycle. You might call it a white can; I call it white trash.

At least the taste is pretty good. Pretty damn good, actually. While neither piece of produce achieves a level of verisimilitude found in nature, its simplicity is refreshing in an age of constant caffeinated evolution. The berry brings with it sweetness, a fruity reprieve from the sometimes harsh acidic bite of the citrus. But this sourness is able to withstand the fifty one gram onslaught of carbohydrates, lingering just long enough in the back of your tongue, refreshed with every subsequent sip. Sugar, glucose and sucralose steer the sweetness, there are forty seven grams of the sweet stuff after all, and if you can ignore the little doctor angel on your shoulder, they do provide a really good texture. It is weighted without being heavy, toothsome without becoming gritty. But we should really talk about juice: what little we actually have comes to us from apple and lemon- that is right, strawberry, despite receiving top-billing, is nothing but a "natural flavor." And yet that is not the best part: what is is how we get just five percent nectar, despite a whopping 200 calories. Obesity is the American way, after all.

I really wish we had more than 160 milligrams of caffeine, but that is just the world we live in. Taurine, inositol, vitamins, etc., are all here in standard measure, but come on, this is the country's birthday, do you not think we need a little extra oomph to celebrate?

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Monster Zero Sugar Ultra Red White & Blue Razz Energy Drink Review

Maybe we need some patriotism in this day in age, but Monster here is playing with fire. Its can is about as obvious as any using the American flag as its basis, calling to mind Ol' Glory, which I am not sure is what any energy drink wants to do. Still, there is some undercaffeinated person for whom this just tickles their eye balls; I am not that person.

Crystal clear in color and smelling sweetly, our first sip errs on the flat side, which is a disappointment. Thousands, if not millions, of little bubbles look enticing, calling my tongue forward only to be crestfallen by the cocktail's muted effervescence. The flavor profile is vague but not terribly complex, blue raspberry surrounded by highlights of lime and cherry, though I cannot help but shake a touch of grapefruit lurking in here too. Things are sugar free, obviously, erythritol, ace-k and sucralose taking up the job from honest carbohydrates, but this kid-inspired experience cries out for real sugar to really drive home its sweetmeat influence. Oh well, at least things are sour, easily the best part, which creeps in slowly as the boringly bubbly beverage first hits your taste buds, but grows in intensity as it makes its way across your palate and finally goes down the hatch. It remains well after you sip, a tingly tartness that is so pleasant I kinda wish it went a bit harder; really sell me that blue raspberry impression. 

The buzz is not all that wonderful either, 160 milligrams of my namesake chemical launching a two hour long kick of average strength. Being Monster, taurine, inositol, vitamins, etc., are also here, but they do not often get my engine purring. This is a mediocre energy drink, yet there is a part of me that is just giddy at the prospect of such a proudly American energy drink predominately flavored after something not found in nature, and who's origins can be laboriously traced back to the Great Depression.

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Monster Strawberry Shot Energy Drink Review

What is Monster doing? They have all these different sub-lines, and they decided to risk their premier product by shoehorning in strawberry? And what is worse is the visuals: the crimson gradient and flavor text is all we get to differentiate this from their flagship variety. Listen, if I were in a rush and was craving a can of the famous soft drink for some reason, I could easily pick this can up by mistake, and I refuse to take responsibility for that hypothetical.

My palate probed for any of the promised, fleshy red fruit, but all it got was exhausting familiarity. Bubble gum, Granny Smith apple and vanilla, with perhaps a touch of white grape, crashes down on the tongue with all the grace an energy drink called "Monster" can have. It is something this energy fiend has experienced hundreds of times (but who is counting), but because I am constantly on the search for new potent potables, there is a certain level of comfort in its boilerplate. Sugar, glucose and sucralose sweeten and they go overboard; with fifty three grams of the sweet stuff (over 100% of your daily intake, I might add), I can just feel my dentist waking up in a cold sweat at yet another cavity to fill. Still, despite that brobdingnagian quantity, most sips are more sour than saccharine, which I appreciated. But as the gulps keep being gulped, the only difference comes towards the end, where the acidity dissipates and is replaced by a newfound sweetness, some indistinct fruitiness lurking well beneath the taste of simple carbohydrates. It is probably the strawberry that the can talks about, but why is it so afraid of its own flavor?

With a decent 160 milligrams of caffeine, not to mention all that sugar, the buzz here is a decent, two and a half hour long one. I should probably also disclose the involvement of things like B vitamins, taurine and inositol, so there, I did. In the end, Monster Strawberry Shot is another, self-cannibalizing offering from the energy drink heavyweight.

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Juice Monster Voodoo Juice Energy Drink Review

You are telling me that there was not already a grape juice Monster? The Caffeine King must have been hallucinating when reviewing Monster Mixxed way back in 2009. Caffeine is a drug, and if the PSA's had any truth to them, drugs will do that to you. The can is your standard issue from the company, but the avocado green really makes the lavender pop, as well as all the other superfluous elements surrounding that familiar logo.

A measly six percent juice content is apparently enough to call yourself "juice" these days; back in my day, energy drinks had something like, half the total amount of actual nectar, but I digress. The first fruit to appear is white grape, followed by lessening amounts of apple, red grape, concord grape and finally plum, and in theory this should produce a layered flavor, challenging you to think with each passing imbibe. But no, Monster here was uninterested in nuance, supplementing complexity with a saccharinity somehow kept below your average person's daily recommended amount. Thirty six grams and all added, come from that familiar band of sugar, glucose and sucralose. Their handling of the sweetness is able to keep the experience from disintegrating into a syrupy mess, at least. The grape itself is basic and unchallenging, but not as aggressive as an actual cupful of the juice you would buy from the store. It strikes right between munching on both red and green grapes simultaneously, though obviously without the actual health benefits. That is not to say this is not pleasant, because it most certainly is. The child in me adored its innocence, filling my head with recollections of sucking on frozen ice pops in the summer heat. Problem is, I am now a grumpy elder pissed that the memories are now just that.

Just 160 milligrams of caffeine, come on, man, can we not get a few more just once? Vitamins and other supplements (ranging from taurine to inositol) also appear on the back of the crazy can. Overall, Juice Monster Voodoo Juice may be easy to drink, but it holds itself back by a relentless familiarity, and chronic lack of ambition to do anything about it.

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Monster Orange Dreamsicle Energy Drink Review

With a smaller logo against a vague black backdrop, this is one imposing energy drink. It sat in my fridge for a few weeks, intimidating me from drinking it until, one day I decided I would intimidate it. But then it occurred to me- didn't this very same beverage appear under the sub-brand "Reserve?" I suppose the world will never know.

The flavor is outrageously orange, one that assaults your palate without mercy until it begs for something, anything, to help clear up its fruity intoxication. The can declares this as "wickedly creamy," and I would have to agree: not only are the thousands of tiny little bubbles soft like velvet, they seem almost vanilla flavored. This is the final piece of the creamsicle puzzle and it won me over after several sips of the brightly colored elixir; what it lacks in complexity, it makes up for with unbridled dedication to the simple sapors. Sugar and glucose sweeten without supervision, no acidity strong enough to counteract the caloric salvo that is forty six grams of carbohydrates. Sucralose is here too, I suppose to try and reign things in without a tart bodyguard, and for better or worse, but it has minimal impact on the tongue. Mouthfuls have a heavy mouth feel, a wonderful weight that works against the synthetic sugar implications. But at sixteen ounces, the underdeveloped and uncompromising citrus and spice makes for a lethargic experience, one that may have worked at a smaller dosage but is an absolute struggle in its current stature.

With a rather paltry 160 milligrams of caffeine, the buzz does not meet the standards of its wackadoodle taste, but I will survive. Lasting two hours, I wish there was more of my namesake stimulant, but I guess taurine, inositol and vitamins will just have to do.

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Monster Rehab Watermelon Energy Drink Reivew

The Monster Rehab brand is back with a watermelon variety, but its lethargic appearance leaves a lot to be desired. It is bold and easy to read, that is for certain, but it just sits dully on the shelf of other, more interesting energy drinks my digits wish they lunged for instead.

Cracking open the can to this three percent juice cocktail, from apple, watermelon and coconut, a most tepid taste tumbles out onto my trembling tongue. It has only the faintest sourness, but the experience washes away by an aquatic climax that, sure, makes for a clean finish, but it comes far too early. This leaves every imbibe feeling incomplete and immature, and with nearly sixteen ounces to deal with, it weighs on your patience. The best aspect here is the sweetness, three total grams by the nectars and added glucose, in addition to sucralose and ace-k. It has a slight toothsomeness to it, but it does not bog down your palate with the needless heft of caloric sweeteners some of the full-sugar potables have. What does all this mean? It is drinkable, that is for certain, but I would much rather drink something else.

For energy we have 150 milligrams of caffeine to work with; the buzz lasts around two and a half hours. Other ingredients include electrolytes, vitamins, milk thistle, taurine, inositol and others. In the end, Monster Rehab Watermelon should have stayed in rehab.

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Java Monster Triple Shot French Vanilla Energy Coffee Review

Java Monster Triple Shot French Vanilla's can here is clean and concise but lacking in personality. It barely registers when you quickly scan your local energy coffee cooler, blending into the rest of the brand's offerings with its benign beige complexion.

Your first and last sip, and everything in between, is hardly anything to write home about, unless you like spending your time coming up with different ways to write "boring." Three and a half grams of fat, over of half of which is saturated, crash out of the fifteen ounce can and onto your disinterested palate, painting on a dense film of fatty displeasure. Now heavy textured products are nothing new, but there is no flavor to the milkiness, no creamy ecstasy; it feels condensed by something other than the desired dairy delight, like a mild oil or by some sort of starch shenanigans. But its opaque mouthfeel leaves little room to taste any of the promised vanilla, let alone tell what country it is from. Your tongue tastes only sweetness outside of the lardaceousness, a weightless saccharinity that drowns in a sea of flavorless fat. If you noticed I have not mentioned coffee, well, neither does the experience.

Your reward for pushing through an aggressively insipid taste is a good one; 300 milligrams of caffeine. The buzz lasts a solid four hours, making work of even the most tired. To end, Java Monster Triple Shot French Vanilla is potent, but not worth its weight in caffeine.

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Monster Reserve Orange Dreamsicle Energy Drink Review

Orange is one of those flavors that seldom offers nuance: it either resembles juice or soda, with very little wiggle room. So Monster Reserve's "Orange Dreamsicle" is an exciting possibility, what could this taste like? But its can is just plain ol' business as usual, slight texture, minimal text and brand recognition in place of visual fidelity.

With thousands of reviews under my belt, I love to be surprised, and this does. There is a wonderful creaminess beneath an otherwise static orange profile, and if I close my eyes hard enough I can just picture that creamsicle melting to the subtle heat of my mouth, its bright colored exterior dripping sticky syrup to expose a milky white core. It has a most basic fruit flavor, offering nothing in way of complexity, and yeah, sixteen ounces is a lot to stomach. I mean, I am not a kid anymore, but the idea here is supremely executed and for a second, just a split-second, I was, in fact, a child standing outside the ice cream truck hoping my mom does not ask for her change back.

160 milligrams of caffeine is just an OK amount of my namesake chemical. The buzz is thusly just as adequate, lasting two hours, though my body did get a touch of a sugar rush thanks to twenty eight grams of the carbohydrate. Other ingredients include B vitamins, taurine, l-carnitine, inositol and others. In the end, Monster Reserve Orange Dreamsicle looks and kicks worse than its taste deserves.

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Monster Ultra Blue Hawaiian Energy Drink Review

This bright blue can should stand out against the other Monster Ultras, until you spot the similarly colored "Ultra Fiesta" variety nearby, and mutter "is any difference" while you stand in otherwise silence, alone in your neighborhood big-box store.

This pale blue elixir tastes a lot better than it should, with a pineapple so aggressively happy and welcoming that you wonder why the whole production is not bright yellow. (Or gold, wink wink.) But the tropical produce does not work alone, bolstered by a mixture of citruses, chiefly lemon and orange, a hearty helping of green apple and a distant drop of guava. Though the combo is hardly original and falls squarely under the classification of "tropical fruit blend," I am a sucker for material like this. The sourness level is basic but beautiful, the kind that had my lips pining for more- I wanted them curled up so tightly I would need a crowbar to undo. My total tongue became engaged in the challenge of figuring out who was involved where, and for how long, but mistakes were made. Specifically the climax, where a bit of coconut pokes its head in; while it struggles to gain much of any strength against the acidity, it interrupts the momentum as this otherwise fine flavor goes in for the fabulous finish. And then there is the sweetener system, erythritol, ace-k and sucralose. They of course lack the heft of honest carbohydrates, and a toothsome texture, if not a gritty one, could have sent this over the moon. But alas, the unsatisfying mouthfeel is just that.

The 150 milligrams of caffeine we have here is functional enough, the buzz lasting two and a half hours. We also have taurine, vitamins, inositol, you know the drill. Overall, Monster Ultra Blue Hawaiian is almost ultra.

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Monster Ultra Vice Guava Energy Drink Review

I am not sure why Monster here thinks guava is "ultra" or a "vice," but the textured can appeared in my local grocery store in an unmarked pile near the exit; either I found it before it could properly be displayed, or no one cares.

A gentle pull of the tab at the top, a slight pour and out comes a sharp pink. It does not have much in way of an odor, and first sip is only slightly more exciting. The sweetness, achieved by the unusual order of our usual friendly neighborhood blend of erythritol, ace-k and sucralose, hardly tastes diet, with just the texture lacking the honest heft of actual carbohydrates. I applaud that, and only that here. Guava is present but is uncommitted to delivering the full experience, its tartness threadbare and unfulfilling. I wanted my teeth to be punched through my mouth with every imbibe, but Monster here seems almost scared to dedicate an entire sixteen ounces to a single piece of produce, let alone one with such a particular personality.

Each can contains 150 milligrams of caffeine, a decent quantity that results in a decent two hour long kick. B vitamins, taurine, inositol, you know, your average suspects, round out the nutrition facts on the back of the metal transport. Overall, the only vice here is pretending to be one.

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Juice Monster Rio Punch Energy Drink Review

As The Caffeine King was on the hunt this year's annual "The Summer Edition" from Red Bull, instead a new Monster appeared, the curiously named "Rio Punch." Oh, I am sorry, this is actually a Juice Monster. Whatever. 

The can is fun to look at fortunately, the usual Monster visual language brought to life with bright colors. The back of it claims the flavor to be a "blend of exotic fruit flavors with a hint of spice," where as the website claims more specifically it to be "papaya, vanilla ice cream and black currant." Which is it!?

Upon first sip, I am surprised at how accurately the latter's mention of vanilla ice cream is. Mouthfuls have this smooth, nearly creamy texture, as if the thousands, if not millions, of little bubbles were wearing padding. It does not necessarily sip like dairy, but there is enough milky taste that it puts this Juice Monster in the upper echelon of unique energy drinks from a super-mega-canned-caffeine-cocktail-conglomerate. Sadly there is zero spice to be tasted, be it vanilla or any other, so while this does taste like vanilla ice cream, it is sadly generic vanilla ice cream. Or worse, gasp, vanilla frozen dairy dessert. As for papaya and black currant, the jury is still out, as the remainder of the experience is murky and ill-defined, citrusy without distinction. The thirty three grams of sugar, all of which is labeled "added," gives gulps a good bit of heft, but it is diluted by the inclusion of the diet sugar sucralose. I am usually a fan of these reduced calorie beverages, but the liquid passes past my tongue without leaving much of an impression.

With 160 milligrams of caffeine, the buzz is basic and unimpressive, lasting two hours. We also get B vitamins, ginseng, taurine, you know the drill. On the whole, Juice Monster Rio Punch fails to punch above its weight class. 

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Monster Hydro Purple Passion Energy Drink Review

In my prize-winning review of Monster Hydro's Tropical Thunder I said "if it truly wishes to due battle with sports drinks... the lack of a screw off cap limits its mobility." And somehow, they listened! Maybe not to me, but to their consumers, as the product's transport now has resealable top! Sure, it is far less interesting than the "plastic can" of their earlier efforts, but it shows progress, and I am touched.

The flavor is complete candy gobbledygook, tasting like melted purple popsicles. At a tall twenty five plus ounces, its basic profile is too much, overwhelming the palate with its deceptively destructive primitiveness. There is zippo in the way of nuance, red and green grapes tasted in tandem but without candor, they are sweet for the sake of containing calories, 160 to be exact with a total of thirty seven grams of sugar and glucose. Sucralose is also present, but it is buried and bruised by the stronger sugars, and does little to help the experience from being too sweet. For every decent mouthfeel the carbohydrates provide, they work without acidic supervision, making mouthfuls cloying and not particularly refreshing. The bubbly absence does increase drinkability, especially since this is basically a energy sports drink, but the serving size is too tremendous, and the sips too saccharine.

190 milligrams of caffeine offers a pretty decent kick, lasting about three hours, increased if you take your time suckling from the non-carbonated elixir. Other ingredients include B vitamins and electrolytes, the latter of which should have improved the flavor. But it did not, and Monster Hydro Purple Passion is just a big dopey purple mass of disappointment.

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Java Monster Irish Crème Energy Coffee Review

Of all the potent potables to be remade, Java Monster Irish Blend, reviewed here back in the blissfully ignorant days in the year 2010, was not one I ever expected. In fact, I honestly forgot that product existed. Yet here we are with their latest offering, Irish Crème. See, totally different.

The can hits all the right notes, the green working well with the visual wood grain texture and the refreshing dearth of unnecessary text.

How this is any different, flavor-wise, is a mystery but I do not really care, because this is surprisingly tasty. I do wish we had more coffee, since, you know, that is what this masquerades as, but for a caffeinated canned milkshake, you could do a lot worse, even from Monster themselves. Mouthfuls are caked in a most luxurious fattiness, like sipping on melted ice cream, with remote notes of cocoa and cinnamon amongst a more consistent abundance of vanilla. There is a most faded mention of actual java, something I always wish these things were less afraid of highlighting, but what slight roasty-toasty goodness and bitterness is here works as a sort of supporting character to the rest. Considering this is an Irish cream (oh sorry, crème), I welcome that there was no attempt to shoehorn some false alcoholic flavor into the otherwise palatable potent potation, but as ounces fall from the aluminum walls and onto my eager tongue, the more the experience becomes one-note. Just sweetened cream by the end, the aforesaid spice and chocolate nuances lost inside a sea of sugar, glucose and sucralose. And fat, my golly is thing beginning to feel like gulping on liquid butter.

The 200 milligrams of caffeine is enough to sate my morning needs. The buzz is a nice two and half hour long one, nothing unusual here. Other ingredients include B vitamins, taurine, ginseng, the works. Overall, Java Monster Irish Crème is better than the sum of its parts.

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Java Monster Salted Caramel Energy Coffee Review

The boring brown can here looks almost no different from many of the myriad of other varieties in the Java spinoff of the Monster line. It has a woodgrain background, minimal text, and, well, not much else. What does that mean, ladies and germs? It means that there is not much else to say here.

Twenty five grams of sweetness, from sugar, glucose, and caramelized sugar, craft the saccharine experience you would expect- oh, and do not forget the dash of sucralose added for waist-friendly saccharinity. It works decently well to all the milkiness, every gulp thick with fattiness, from the can's five grams, although each imbibe has a greater heaviness than the fat-content would suspect; a touch of some artificially thickener lurks about. The caramel flavor is surprisingly restrained, leaving the super-sugariness to do almost all of the talking; and let me tell you, seldom do sips showcase this solicited sapor. The saltiness, achieved at least from the 550 milligrams of sodium, is milder than anticipated and unfortunately so, lost inside the beverage's heavy love for cream and honey; knock the word "Salted" off of the can and the taste would not have even been noticed. Overall, not a glorious extension of the large Java Monster line, but I drank the entire can sooner than I thought; that sounds like it means something.

The energy cocktail reads as follows: taurine, ginseng, caffeine (170 milligrams), inositol, guarana, vitamin C, and B vitamins. The kick is exactly the two and a half hour one you would expect; a gradual and rather pleasant buzz that you just wished lasted a bit longer, considering the premium price some stores charge for the fifteen ounce drink. In the end, Java Monster Salted Caramel does taste something like coffee, caramel, and does provide some energy. It fits the bill, however, it never goes above and beyond.

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Java Monster Vanilla Light Energy Coffee Review

What am I doing here? Java Monster Vanilla Light was a disappointing entry in the line, so why revisit it? It have a few more grams of caffeine? According to my original review it does. But is that all? Well, who knows, but we do see its can has not gotten better with age. It is no different, save for some new text here and old text moved there. The dreary white hurts eyes who look for too long, clean but of bleached melancholy.

Your mouth is impressed at first contact with the Caucasian concoction, albeit briefly. Each diet sip does not grip the tongue as it leisurely paints palates of a creamy nuance. Instead each sip skims the tongue, its attenuate viscosity guaranteeing against any ounce of lard from locking on to the muscle and staining it of its pined unctuousness. Any vanilla is lost in the wateriness, deceiving documentation behind the barely sweet sweetness and fatless fattiness. Sure, there is some fat here, a surprising three grams, two even being saturated, but saturated in what? Water?! A depthless drink, a dull diluted drink without climax, a disgustingly deficient experience of how never to make an energy coffee. You want a low calorie coffee? You drink it black.

Each can contains vitamins, caffeine (185 milligrams), taurine, ginseng, inositol, guarana and others. Any energy should last just south of three and a half hours, a pretty solid kick for any brand. On the whole, Java Monster Vanilla Light is the kind of awful you would not feel bad about pawning it off onto unsuspecting friends to vomit up. Its almost a "so bad it is good" sort of experience, except for drinks, if it is bad, it is just bad.

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Monster Ultra Strawberry Dreams Energy Drink Review

At some point, Monster will run out of fruits to exploit with their "Ultra" sub-brand, but for now, we have to settle with second-tier energy drink flavors like today's offering of strawberry. That is not a slight to strawberries mind you, and to avoid getting myself into trouble, let us just say that there is a reason why potent potables seldom feature such a flavor.

It is also worth noting that the back of the can proudly proclaims the produce's purported part in Valentine's day, um, fun, yet I did not spot a can until recently. Monster, you can apologize by sending me some actual aphrodisiacs.

There are some things that simply do not translate well to a sixteen ounce experience; every sip is sorely lacking the subtly to fully exploit the bright flavor of the red flesh. It crashes the palate's but arrives without any fruit backup, so gulp after gulp you are left wondering if perhaps some pineapple or hell, some lemon, could have helped. But the biggest issue is the acidity, which has a a sort of dairy-twang to it, like a carbonated yogurt. Erythritol and sucralose sweeten but are unable to combat the tartness in any meaningful way; the use of honest carbohydrates could have worked wonders here, providing texture to help distance mouthfuls from its snafued sourness. This just is not that pleasant to consume.

We get 150 milligrams of caffeine, a fine amount but not enough to reward you for stomaching such an uninteresting taste. The buzz lasts two hours and, oh yeah, there is also some B vitamins, taurine, ginseng, and others. In the end, Monster Ultra Strawberry Dreams is more of a nightmare.

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Monster Zero Sugar Energy Drink Review

Despite carrying the same name as a previous potable, Monster Zero Sugar here looks completely different. Is it a revamp? A new variety? I cannot say for sure, but now, their diet drink looks almost identical to normal Monster. The company is requiring their consumers to read to make sure they buy either the sugar free or regular, and not to knock anyone specific, but people are stupid and so was this decision.

This is 100% sugar free Monster, your first mouthful is an avalanche of bubble gum that tastes straight out of the late 2000's. Vanilla is the other major player here, and the duology weighs heavily on the palate, immobilizing it as the liquid continues to pour from the sixteen ounce can. By this point, you are several sips in, and a touch of citrus creeps out, but it fails to liven the experience, seized by the aforementioned twosome in its unbridled nostalgia for less intricate and daring flavor profiles. No carbohydrate sweeteners sucralose and ace-k welcome erythritol this time, but there is still no mistaking this as something with honest sugar, but imbibes finish with minimal diet aftertaste. There is little new here, and my tongue doubts that anything is improved, but it is not bad.

160 milligrams of caffeine leads the two and a half hour long buzz, an unremarkable and average kick. Other ingredients include B vitamins, taurine, guarana, inositol, and more. In the end, Monster Zero Sugar is the definition of OK.

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Monster Lewis Hamilton Energy Drink Review

A surprising find at my local Dollar Tree, Monster Lewis Hamilton is obviously not made in the states. For one thing, its can is slightly taller than your usual sixteen ounces, but my favorite is the expiration date, which is listed as "30-09-22." Now unless I am as dumb as the comments from anonymous readers think, there is not a thirtieth month.

Oh, and the "made in the Netherlands" blurb on the rear of the packaging helps.

This flavor is a Red Bull clone, and not a thoughtful one. The clear golden elixir pours onto your tongue with flashbacks to a simpler time, one where apple, bubble gum and vanilla was a creative experience. In 2022, it is unpleasant reminder of a company taking the easy way out. The trilogy of tastes collapse without verve, static elements that sit on the palate without a purpose for being there. Sips rot your poor tastebuds down to the point of exhaustion, tired of having to deal with the same flavor yet again. There is some sourness too, but its involvement here is an obligation for tradition and not for pleasure. Arguably the best aspect is the sweetener system of sugar, glucose, erythritol, and sucralose. This keeps the calories down to a manageable ninety, the low-cost of monotony I guess.

We have 150 milligrams of caffeine to work with, making for a rather standard buzz. Lasting two and a half hours, the kick is nothing to write home about. Other ingredients include B vitamins, taurine and inositol. I have never heard of Lewis Hamilton before this, and I gotta say, he makes a terrible first impression.

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Java Monster Cold Brew Latte Nitro Infused Coffee Review

Sometimes an energy drink surprises me when it sits perched inside a local gas station's cooler. Java Monster Cold Brew Latte is such a potation, and it continued with the unexpected when I picked up the tall can; its weight! Despite its imposing stature, there is only thirteen or so ounces inside, making for a bewildering feel in the hand.

Visually, this is your usual coffee Monster, that familiar "M" logo and anticipated shades of brown. But with such an artifice, the company felt inclined to overexplain things on the front of the can, simultaneously making things busy to the eye but also destroying any mystique.

Your first sip smooth like butter but without any of its heaviness, passing over your tongue with minimal involvement. The nitrous gimmick's work no doubt, providing the experience with a texture unique to your usual canned coffee's dense mouthfeel. This almost airy architecture is easily the biggest selling point inside the black aluminum transport- how else could the product be so otherwise average? Three grams of fat, two of which are saturated, give the palate a creamy release from the java's grasp, washing away any bitter stain that could have easily remained deep in your tastebuds. While there is no added sugar, there is eight grams of the carbohydrate, no doubt from the reduced-fat milk involved, and it works alongside sucralose in making up the elixir's saccharinity. It is an overwhelming mild sweetness that does little outside keep any surplus astringency in order.

200 milligrams of caffeine is a solid amount to work with, producing a three hour long buzz with just a touch of the jitters. Other ingredients include vitamins, taurine, inositol, ginseng and others. All together, Java Monster Cold Brew Latte Nitro is an energy coffee that actually tastes like one. That and that alone make it impressive.

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Monster Ultra Fiesta Energy Drink Review

Monster cannot keep a good idea out of their corporate paws, and today we find their self-salvaging Ultra line taking on the ever popular mango; the back of the textured can promises "juicy mango flavor," although without any actual juice, this is a hollow promise. The bright blue of the aluminum outside is distinct from the frequently procreating brand, but what does it have to do with the orange fleshed stone fruit?

The flavor is far better than it has any right being, that is for certain. The mango has an acidic brightness that begins at the rear of your palate before completely engulfing the tongue, suffocating all grapefruit and lemon nuance that debase the first few moments of each imbibe; this is less a fiesta and more of a slaughter. The drupe does all it can without any actual nectar, and it is an impressive expression of simulated verisimilitude. Yet the experience cannot escape the principal pitfall of the line, which is its sweetness. Boilerplate sweeteners sucralose and ace-k are just fine on their own, but I am talking about erythritol. The sugar alcohol's trademark minty freshness is an ugly underbelly to the otherwise tyrannical tropical fruit. It is a shame that Monster refuses to recognize that their hipster sweetener system is in dire need of a refresh itself.

150 milligrams of caffeine, several B vitamins, taurine, l-carnitine, inositol, and ginseng. The buzz is a bit of a drag, lasting about two hours although without any sort of crash afterward. In the end, Monster's Ultra series takes equal steps forward and back with Fiesta.

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