Java Monster Triple Shot French Vanilla Energy Coffee Review

Java Monster Triple Shot French Vanilla's can here is clean and concise but lacking in personality. It barely registers when you quickly scan your local energy coffee cooler, blending into the rest of the brand's offerings with its benign beige complexion.

Your first and last sip, and everything in between, is hardly anything to write home about, unless you like spending your time coming up with different ways to write "boring." Three and a half grams of fat, over of half of which is saturated, crash out of the fifteen ounce can and onto your disinterested palate, painting on a dense film of fatty displeasure. Now heavy textured products are nothing new, but there is no flavor to the milkiness, no creamy ecstasy; it feels condensed by something other than the desired dairy delight, like a mild oil or by some sort of starch shenanigans. But its opaque mouthfeel leaves little room to taste any of the promised vanilla, let alone tell what country it is from. Your tongue tastes only sweetness outside of the lardaceousness, a weightless saccharinity that drowns in a sea of flavorless fat. If you noticed I have not mentioned coffee, well, neither does the experience.

Your reward for pushing through an aggressively insipid taste is a good one; 300 milligrams of caffeine. The buzz lasts a solid four hours, making work of even the most tired. To end, Java Monster Triple Shot French Vanilla is potent, but not worth its weight in caffeine.

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Starbucks Tripleshot Bold Mocha Energy Coffee Review

How is the "Bold Mocha" any different from Starbucks's previous "Cafe Mocha?" Both are part of the company's "Tripleshot Energy" branding, though the can here is a little eleven ounces, opposed to the larger fifteen. I do like the design here; even if it becomes a bit too heavy with text; words only move in a single direction, so your eyes have no trouble reading just what the heck we intend to drink today.

Have I had a "bolder" mocha before? Probably, as mouthfuls here are chalky and generally unpleasant to sip through. For once, I am happy the serving size has been reduced compared to its contemporaries. There is a weird astringency present in each and every sip, as if the 165 milligrams of caffeine and other supplements simply could not be masked by the two grams of fat and twenty two grams of sugar. But no, I know what is actually going on: inside the aluminum walls lives eight grams of protein, so gulps have this mossy, awkward personality that feels under-sweetened and overemphasized. This extends to the texture, which is heavy, gelled and generally difficult to work through- in fact, by the time you swallow the stiff substance, you immediately discover a thick film on your palate, a nasty reminder of a product gone awry. As for the coffee, the present asperity exists on the tongue independently from the bean brew's beloved bitterness, a characteristic so strong that it becomes all you can taste. It does not take long to recognize that there is no java here, only disappointment.

The two and a half hour long buzz here is nice but does not make up for the horrid taste. In addition to the aforementioned quantity of my namesake chemical, we have various vitamins, ginseng, guarana, and yes, protein. I do not know if the latter has anything to do with why I drink something caffeinated in the morning, but oh well. Avoid.

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Starbucks Tripleshot Milk Chocolate Zero Sugar Energy Coffee Review

I do love it when a big company gets a bit more comfortable with their brands and release something creative. Today's example is Starbucks' Tripleshot Milk Chocolate Zero Sugar, which has all the fat but none of the, well, sugar. We have had reduced calorie energy coffees on The Caffeine King before, but none from a brand quite so ubiquitous as Starbucks, who's logos and design language is front-and-center on this otherwise busy can.

How this is "milk chocolate" and not "mocha" is beyond my palate's comprehension, because what we have here is the same old flavor so many tongues have tested. That on its own is not a bad thing, mind you, but milk chocolate is characterized by its sweetness, something achieved here via the synthetic sugar sucralose and inositol (a sugar alcohol). This leaves the experience with a sort of chemical bitterness, astringency absolutely unlike that of an actual coffee. The cocoa ends up without a pleasant candied mouthfeel, which is only further destroyed by the use of ghee butter, oils and gums, a texture so chalky you feel you might burp up dust. And just when you thought you were almost done here, you pick up the aluminum transport, only to realize you have over half a can left. Please, someone send help!

225 milligrams of caffeine makes for a good kick, a three hour long one that I am not totally convinced is worth suffering through for. Overall, Starbucks Tripleshot Milk Chocolate Zero Sugar trips hard over its own ambition.

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Java Monster Triple Shot Mocha Energy Coffee Review

Monster probably heard about Starbucks' own Triple Shot products, and said "we can do that." So here we are, with a hyper-potent energy coffee from the energy beverage giant. The can is devoid of clutter, and the three things consumers need to know are obvious: it is a coffee, it has 300 milligrams of caffeine, and it is from "Monster."

The weighted liquid assaults you with a salvo of fat, coating your defenseless tongue with a heavy sheet of dairy that has all other characteristic sliding right off. Sweetness, thirty two grams with twenty four from added sugar and glucose, cuts slightly into the creamy crust, giving the actual tastes of mocha and coffee something to try and grip onto. Mocha is less an actual flavor and more a deafened nuance to the demanding lardaceousness, like thinking about candy while actually eating broccoli. But coffee is the feature that suffers the worst- you cannot even taste it! There is no roasted goodness and zero bitter bite; just fat, fat, and more fat. Every imbibe drinks like a three-percent milk mixed with hardly a squirt of chocolate syrup but with plenty of that awful aluminum aftertaste- it just is not enough!

We do get 300 milligrams of caffeine, which provides a pretty solid four hour long buzz. Other ingredients include: B vitamins, taurine, and inositol. In the end, Java Monster Triple Shot Mocha is a potent but dreadful drinking drink, less an energy coffee and more a considerably caffeinated canned milk.

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Starbucks Tripleshot Dark Roast Energy Coffee Review

A surprise on my local Target shelf, Starbucks Tripleshot debuts a new variety dubbed Dark Roast. The can design is identical to others in this more potent sub-line, and it continues to communicate well across its potency and coffee trademarks.

The flavor is not nearly as robust as the can claims, an experience far too lardaceous and saccharine to be properly labeled "dark roast." There is no teasing bitterness to any gulp, nothing that insinuates anything more than your usual outing from the company, and that is a shame. What I can say in its favor is the actual taste of coffee, which breaks through the dismal clouds of the dairy and sweetness, but it is not enough to have imbibes resembling anything remotely like your fresh mugful of joe in the morning. Three grams of fat, half of it saturated, and twelve grams of added sugar (twenty nine total), commercializes the experience into exactly what we have come to expect from a canned coffee, only this time Starbucks gave us false hopes with its "dark roast" pretenses.

Each can contains a cool 225 milligrams of caffeine, and it is here that we find the potable's strongest feature with a kick lasting a solid three and a half hours. Other ingredients include: B vitamins, ginseng, inositol, and guarana. To end, Starbucks Tripleshot Dark Roast arrives and dies with little fanfare.

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