Unwell Apple Cider Donut Energy Drink Review

Are you unwell? You have barely touched your apple cider donut energy drink. What kind of name is this!? The can is a scrambled wreck of bubble letters, with an awful rendition of the fried favorite that has the world's smallest bite taken out of it. That is not a good sign of a quality doughnut. It does at least say autumn, even if it screams it in an obnoxious voice.

The front of the can proudly boasts how this was made without the use of artificial sweeteners, staying instead with a few grams of cane sugar and stevia leaf extract. A gentle pull of the top tab and out pours a dull green elixir out from the predominately red metal transport. My nose is flooded with the scent of apples and, much to my pleasant surprise, a bit of cakey warmness. This had my spirits running high, until I took a sip. My god what in hell is this. What begins as any regular apple energy drink swiftly devolves into a cacophonic cup of complete crap. The familiar fall favorite is held for a single, solitary moment before losing out to the "natural flavors" doing their worst pastry impersonation. It is not yeasty but instead chemically leavened, and let me tell you this tastes like chemicals. A donut flavored caffeinated cocktail is strange enough, but Unwell goes several steps further in the absolute wrong, unexpected and boneheaded direction. Somehow, sips achieve the impossible by removing the moisture from your tongue as if sipping liquid crumbs. Your mouth thusly dehydrates, only to be immediately rehydrated by the same flavors that turned your face into a twisted mess of muscles sore from their twelve ounce beating. Gulps climax with an apple reprieve that gives way to more sweetness and a shockingly ugly maillard reaction impression that leaves your gag reflex no choice but to be on standby.

All that rotten fluid now sitting in my tummy and for what, just 150 milligrams of caffeine? Oh sure yeah, vitamins also make an appearance, but you want to know what also has vitamins? Actual apples. Overall, I admire Unwell Apple Cider Donut's ambition, but lament its naivety in thinking it could actually achieve it.

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Unwell Frost Cranberry Sparkling Energy Drink Review

Why would you name your energy drink "Unwell?!" Should one drink when they are under the weather? I have no idea and the less said about it, the better, though there are a lot of elements here that had me grabbing a can off of the local Target shelf with unbridled glee. Chiefly its purported cranberry flavor, and the fact that real juice is involved here. Coupled with The Caffeine King's famous holiday spirit, I can forgive the absolutely massive amount of text, for now.

Unwell demands not that you love cranberries, but that you live, breathe and sleep them. The four percent of actual nectar involved here means sips have all the standoffish honesty that one experiences when they pop one of the tiny bouncy orbs of crimson into their mouth, their only exposure being that can-shaped gel they eat once a year with turkey. Wrong-o. The cranberry acts alone without backup, allowing you to taste the alienating pungency of the antisocial produce. Whether that is the intention from this winter based beverage or not I cannot discern. Two grams of added cane sugar, in addition to stevia leaf extract, simply is not enough to combat the harsh astringent reality native to the creeping shrub denizen. Not that things are necessarily sour, more earthy and bitter, the kind that curls your tongue more out of disgust than with childlike wonder. And that is the problem, this appropriately colored cocktail is not nearly sweet or properly puckering enough to become something your average energy drink drinker would want to drink.

Now to the good stuff: 150 milligrams of caffeine. The amount is just enough to keep me sipping onward, the two and a half hour long buzz a fine one. Electrolytes and B vitamins round out the energy cocktail, for those who are counting. I for one was counting down the ounces so I could be done with this.

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