Tuesday, August 11, 2015

Stewart's Impact Energy Drink Review

My lawyers Itchy and Twitchy present bad news: ratings are down and sponsors are reconsidering. Why? They profess my exploitation of English has them spending more time buried in dictionaries than on my site. They tell me that I must use simpler sentences and shorter words. That should not be so difficult- I mean hard. The drink today is Stewart's Impact, brought to us in a, um, small can that is more soda or beer than energy drink. Was that good, guys? Just okay, well, I should get the hang of this eventually- I mean soon.

So here is the enemy roll call: we have blah bubble gum, syrupy sweetness, apathetic- I mean boring, apple flavors, and vanilla vanilla. What do you mean? It is wordplay; vanilla means spartan... Spartan means simple. Well, yes I could just say "simple"- never mind. Without surprise, the text painting the can lies; citrus this is not and Red Bull this wants to be. Sips are obese and obnoxious- you know what those words means, right lawyers? Complexity is tossed out immediately, favoring instead injudicious silliness, that means imprudent- no, not what "silliness" means- and no, not the stuff that is good for digestion! Damn, is this really what people like reading? Anyway, that is all for the taste- what do you mean I did not compare it to Red Bull or Monster?! Who cares! I already said it is a ripoff of the former! Yes, the former is reference to Red Bull. Fine, if you are a die hard fan of either drink, then why are you reading this review? There are hundreds of similar drinks on every store shelf to sate your obtuse tastes!

For energy we have a 218 milligram blend of: taurine, ginseng, inositol, guarana, caffeine- what do you mean readers do not care about ingredients? They just want to know if it is stronger than Monster or Red Bull? It is not a fair comparison, considering the size differences- yes I know Red Bull comes in twelve ounce cans but- no, I am not spending four bucks just for this review! If people are looking to save money, drink coffee. Or get a higher paying job. I hear McDonald's is hiring *SLAP* ... sorry Itchy, I forgot your night shifts. Overall, and lawyers please cover your eyes: Stewart's Impact is an ambisinistrous prostitution of pricey potations who's zealots should be enough educated to know I am lampooning- *SLAP* ... lawyers, I told you to keep your eyes shut! Twitchy, what are you doing?! Don't you dare open a can!

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