Monday, February 18, 2019

Jolt Cola Review

Welcome back into my life Jolt, it has been too long. A staple of the nineties, this soft drink with, as the clean can reads has "all the sugar and twice the caffeine," has been absent from my greedy grubs for nine years. The can is just as any fan remembers it, albeit six ounces larger, but thanks to its large logo, clutter-free design and nostalgia, this is a packaging far more successful than many today (and certainly more so than its awkward "energy drink" days).

Taste-wise, you are welcomed to faint nuances of cinnamon, lemon, and vanilla, a completely stock experience for your tastebuds that is as obvious and corporate as any canned mass-produced cola. Yet, the lack of high fructose corn syrup (and use of plain ol' sugar) gives every imbibe a thicker, slightly grainy mouthfeel that outshines your usual mega-brand beverages. There is not much in the way of complexity, each sip sipping without much pizazz or precaution, but it is prideful of is traditional trappings as in, it drinks as any cola should, which must have been all I was thirsty for today.

Fifty grams of sugar and 200 calories brings us 160 milligrams of caffeine, and that is all. There are no other supplements here to potentially pollute the flavor, no hard-to-pronounce ingredients from some foreign land, just good old caffeine. And it works, providing a solid two and a half hour long kick that is slightly jittery, but what the hell, let us all be sentimental today and forgive such a minor blemish.

official site

Sunday, February 10, 2019

Red Bull The Peach Edition Energy Drink Review

Red Bull throws their hat into the world of unusual energy drink flavors once again, with The Peach Edition. It is actually peach-nectarine flavored according to the can, who's backdrop color is easily mistaken for that of their recent Plum variety, but is otherwise just, fine looking.

Peach-Nectarine proves to be quite the tasty combination, or at least one Red Bull effortlessly hit the nail on the head crafting. Acidity is strong, resting on the forefront of the experience, taming the thirty eight grams of the sucrose and glucose sweetener blend who otherwise feel both slippery and gritty on the palate. The namesake fruit flavors strike a decent impression of the vegetation that it makes you wonder what the "artificially flavored" are that both the side and back of the can make mention of. It all comes to a rather satisfying finale, the sweetness by this point clumping towards the rear of your throat and staining your palate of a faint aftertaste of the produce often unseen featured inside the aluminum walls of energy drinks.

114 milligrams of caffeine, in addition to taurine and B vitamins make up the energy blend, and it is a weak one at best. Though bought on sale (with another new flavor), two bucks and change (fifty cents to be exact) is too much for such a relaxed buzz.

official site

Saturday, February 2, 2019

Mtn Dew AMP Game Fuel Charged Original Dew Review

Mtn Dew and AMP are once again appearing on the same can, after about a decade of brand segregation. This flavor also resurrects the "Game Fuel" moniker, used in the past to promote a new video game launch, though this time there is no advertisement in sight. The design is busy, with way too much text, from generic puffery such as "alertness" and "accuracy" to the unnecessary tutorial on how to open the transport's gimmicky top, which slides up and can resealed.

The flavor feels ripped straight from a can Mtn Dew Kickstart Original, right down to the eruption of effervescence as the first sip splashes down on your tongue. It is lacking acid, potency, and personality, a disappointing hodgepodge of lemon, melon, and lime, tasting like a sort of hipster's version of the famously sugary Pepsi product. The sweetener system is a predictable high fructose corn syrup, sucralose and ace-k, which does a decent job never tasting too artificial or gummy, but it is lacking punch. Maybe it is the scant five percentage of juice, but there is a rough edge to every imbibe, something almost earthy that pokes its unpleasant head onto your palate. The saccharinity certainly is not capable of controlling this anomaly, a sugariness that sips far too passively with twenty three grams of sugar for an audience OK with the original Dew's seventy seven grams per twenty ounces.

Considering the AMP so proudly displayed on the can, I was hoping for more than just ninety milligrams of caffeine and an hour long kick. Ginseng, yerba mate, ginseng, vitamin A and B vitamins make up the remainder of the energy blend. Overall, AMP and Mtn Dew's reunion is a misfire.

official site

Friday, January 25, 2019

Awake Caffeinated Chocolate Peanut Butter Review

Awake... it has been a long time since we shared an experience together. We saw each other last in 2013, and I am glad to hear you have become friends with peanut butter as well! The premier solid and caffeinated chocolate brand, Awake's newest flavor is exciting, and its packaging remains as pleasant as ever, though I am not going to lie, I did not see the flavor indication until I studied the wrapper for a moment or two.

Supple milk chocolate surrenders to the warmth of your palate, crafting a rich and creamy mixture as you subtly chew the few remaining chunks of cocoa. As your teeth bite into the fragile walls of chocolate, the hollow center bursts with the nutty stuffing, striking the right balance not only of sweetness and saltiness, but also of shell and filling. One knock against the experience is the use of hydrogenated oil, in this case of the palm kernel type, something that I try to remove from my diet. But as the packet lies torn apart, and both pieces having abandoned their shape and melting into a luxurious cocktail of toothsome chocolate and roasted peanut butter, I can see why a bit of naughty oil was used; the texture is phenomenal.

Potency-wise, Awake understands that caffeine is often all we need, and we have 100 milligrams here. The buzz is pretty solid, lasting two hours, and although I cannot help but wish for a few more milligrams, the flavor's complete lack of bitterness is excuse enough for me.

official site

Thursday, January 17, 2019

Xpress Original Energy Drink Review

Xpress Original Energy has quite possibly the most generic can of any energy drink, a simple black backdrop accented only by the necessary text and a dotted "x;" it is horrible! The backside wall of the aluminum transport is even more stagnant, with quotes like "make Xpress part of your day."

Well who guessed it, Xpress Original is a Red Bull clone, and a bad one. It is 100% medicinal tasting, despite "natural flavors" written in the ingredients list, an experience that tastes unabashedly chemical that the unconversant may feel inclined to call poison control, mistaking this as a common household cleaner. For actual flavor, it is your usual suspects of vanilla, bubble gum and a most distant tropical fruit cocktail, namely guava and pineapple- yum. Acidity is another huge misfire, a wretchedly overwhelming sourness that only augments the already omnipresent metallic taste. The sole saving grace is sweetness- oh, it is a terribly sweet potation with fifty four grams of sugar, but it is the type of sugar that deserves some mention here. All sucrose, the saccharinity has a fine texture, one that is heavy as one sips with just the slightest syrupiness. I am not usually a fan of such a sugariness, but hey, with a drink like Xpress, I have got to take depth where I can get it.

Each can contains many B vitamins, caffeine, taurine, inositol, an guarana. The buzz is as garden-variety as a kick can get, lasting two short hours, causing slight jitters though without anything of a crash. In the end, Xpress Original expresses no originality.

official site

Wednesday, January 9, 2019

Dunkin' Donuts Shot in the Dark Mocha Review

Whenever I take a trip to New England, there is a Dunkin' Donuts right outside the terminal gate; not so much everywhere else I go. Nevertheless the brand carries some weight, and the can to their ready-to-drink canned coffee is not far off the rest of their brand. It is clean and easily recognizable, though it is a bit silly seeing the word "donut" on a potable.

The flavor is bland beyond belief, so watery it should say "coffee and water" beverage on the bottom left of the can. There is zero milk on the tongue, in the flavor or in the texture, a body so thin it is no surprise the first ingredient in this coffee is "water," then "coffee." The mocha taste surprisingly pleasant, a rather dark, slightly undersweetened chocolate that provides every imbibe with its sole astringent influence; what is so "dark" about this drink when there is practically none of the lovely java bitterness? There should be force in each sip, a coffee taste that punches your palate with the taste of the roasted beans, a slight acidity and just enough sweetness to keep things mainstream. As it stands, this diminutive Dunkin' drink is a disappointment.

Each short can contains a tall 128 milligrams of caffeine, giving a pretty rocking two and a half hour kick; a solid amount for its size. Otherwise, Dunkin' Donuts Shot in the Dark Mocha is a shame, riding on the cusp of being pretty good from the time the can is cracked open to the time it is tossed.


official site

Tuesday, January 1, 2019

Your Drink Sucks: the year 2018

We had really great energy drinks this year, but who cares?! Let us celebrate the bad ones!!

*these are not necessarily products that were released in 2018, but rather those that were reviewed in 2018.*


Full Throttle Twisted Fountain Energy Drink

People argue over the internet as to whether or not Diet Coke tastes better in a bottle or from a fountain; Full Throttle Twisted would suck either way.








Monster Rehab White Dragon Tea

The Monster brand is a semi-regular on my annual lists, and 2018 was no different. Their Rehab line's newest flavor, White Dragon, was the tamest dragon I've ever tasted.




It sucks, and should be more aptly named "Mega (Messy) Java (Barely-)Coffee (Gives little) Energy Drink(able?)"









Quick Strike Energy Drink

An energy drink based off of a movie? What could possibly go wrong? Well for starters, a terrible can, taste and kick.








Maxwell House Max 2x Boost Vanilla Iced Coffee

Coffee is supposed to be bitter, but this clumsily-named brew means I will not be stopping by the Maxwell House for anything, especially coffee.




Aspire Cranberry is actually just a mediocre energy drink, but one fatal flaw led to its appearance here; calling this "cranberry" flavored. The taste was watery and distant, and is a slap in the face to the potent holiday fruit.







SlimFast Slim Cafe Mocha Macchiato

While not a complete disaster, it comes close. So while not the worst drink reviewed this year, it comes close.









Mountain Lightning

Sometimes a drink really sucks, and other times, it is just flat-out disappointing. The fact I had expectations from a generic Mtn Dew clone energy drink spin-off is really the most concerning part here.



To this day, months after my review, I can still taste this disgusting disgrace of a drink. Congratulations Blaze, you are the worst drink reviewed in 2018. Hurah.
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