Wednesday, March 13, 2024

Rowdy Chiseled Ice Energy Drink Review

"Chiseled Ice" is a fabulously loony suggested flavor, but the can does not seem to understand its potential. What I imagine is a six-pack muscle on some frozen sculpture; instead we get text on a white background. It is so boring! Aside from some stylized wording, design elements just sit there. It is too verbose to achieve the minimalist look it so desperately desires.

What could this taste like, vanilla maybe? That is what I thought, and I am still not entire sure I was wrong. What we have here is a classic example of the vague citrus, mostly lemon but its forgotten in a sea of misty sourness. Raspberry can be found lurking in the tartness, but it amounts to nothing in the grand scheme of the potation. That is not a bad thing, but the experience is so one dimensional that you sip with a mission to find something else going on, and there is not. The most creative thing here is its mouthfeel, which has a sort of creamy texture with a carbonation that would not be amiss in an energy coffee, had this any actual cream mind you. Is it vanilla? I do not know, and frankly I am not interested in figuring it out.

160 milligrams of caffeine provides a satisfying but expected kick, lasting almost three hours. Other ingredients include several vitamins, electrolytes and others. In the end, Rowdy Chiseled Ice needed something that I cannot place my tongue on, but as of now it is incomplete.

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Tuesday, March 5, 2024

Celsius Arctic Vide Energy Drink Review

Celsius is one of those long-running energy drinks that you are always surprised to see pumping out new products. I have reviewed these drinks for over the last decade, never walking away terribly impressed, but today's "Arctic Vibe" variety does sport a better can than they historically offered. (I mean, just look at their Apple Orchard drink!) There is still waay too much text, but the color scheme is attractive, and there is a sense of forward momentum as my eyes dart about.

"Sparkling Frozen Berry Edition" claims the can, but what the hell does that mean? It means this is your basic berry beverage, predominately blue raspberry with a bit of grape, a flavor profile lifted directly from the far superior Rockstar Zero Carb. What makes that drink better? For starters, the sourness succumbs to the synthetic sweetener sucralose, only able to jolt the experience with the necessary acidity the first moment the liquid crashes down on your tongue. From then on, the mouthful is just sweet, the tartness killed without a funeral in its honor. Then there is the "sparkling" moniker, which is a lie if I have ever heard one. Effervescence is muted, the thousands if not millions of bubbles only gently pounding your palate; it is far too tame for such a description!

We are still dealing with the accusation that this will burn calories, which sure, I am not familiar with the science behind it, but I will buy it. If that is the case however, why aren't more products like this? Anyway, the buzz, thanks to a cool 200 milligrams of caffeine, lasts a solid three hours easy. Additional ingredients taurine, vitamins, ginger, guarana, and others. On the whole, Celsius Arctic Vibe is not vibin'.

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Monday, February 26, 2024

Sprecher Charged Lemonade Original Energy Drink Review

The can is a weird one, a naked aluminum can with its label stickered on, all while sporting some astonishingly low-rent (and res) images of lemons. It is so wild that, when first spotted at my local dollar store, I thought this was some cheap canned juice instead of an energy drink- oh I am sorry, I meant "caffeinated sparkling drink."

It has been a long time since a straight-up lemonade, let alone one using caloric sugars, has graced The Caffeine King, and yet Sprecher's failings has nothing to do with its respect to the citrus and absolutely everything to do with the absolute dearth of a proper effervescence. When I see the word "sparkling," I expect a carbonation to punch my palate through my teeth, damaging my roots and all, and yet this is about as still an experience as your grandma's pitcher of freshly squeezed lemonade. That is a shame not only because of the broken promises, but also because the actual flavor is fabulous! Now, I am a pushover for flavors like this, but the presence of real juice concentrate brings a level of freshness to every sip, while the use of high fructose corn syrup, and all its syrupiness, helps add a certain innocence to things, like something a child would sip on on the hottest day of the year. It is just such a shame the bubbles are as leaden as, well, actual lead.

All we get is 140 milligrams of caffeine, which is, I dunno, fine, I suppose. I wish there was something here a little stronger to help curb off all the empty calories, and resulting sugar rush, but actually, it does not matter. It is not like it would have staved off the mediocrity.

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Sunday, February 18, 2024

Rockstar Revolt Killer Citrus Energy Drink Review

Visually congruent to both Lime Freeze and Punched Citrus, Revolt Killer Citrus represents Rockstar again stepping on its own toes. Available exclusively at Speedway Stores, yes the same gas station who brought us Shock Wave, its camouflage colored can just has too many fonts, too similar colors, and too much text.

Diluted effervescence stunts the super sugary experience here, a completely stock citrus cocktail of lime, grapefruit, and orange. The former two are braided with one another, a fairly thoughtful blending shocked into dullness by each fruit's dimensionlessness and general blandness. The latter adds the only zest to any of the too many sixteen ounces, giving each imbibe some must needed intricacy on the tongue; saving every sip from the sixty four grams of saccharine syrupiness. Its only acidity is additionally found here, a lamentable omission from a potation that truly pines for a fun tartness.

Each can contains: caffeine (240 milligrams), taurine, inositol, ginseng, guarana, milk thistle, and B vitamins. The buzz is a blast, all of the bitter chemical and excess sugar really kick it old school; crash and all. But hey, that comes with the territory. All in all, Rockstar Revolt Killer Citrus is not quite as revolting as it could be, but this "killer" could not hurt a fly.

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Saturday, February 10, 2024

Super Energy Mixed Berryburst Energy Drink Review

At least the can is not shrink-wrapped, I think, as I gaze upon this utterly generic looking energy drink. From the name, "Super Energy," to the swath of text like writing the alleged flavor, Mixed Berryburst, twice, at least it does not feel slapped together on the palm. I do not enjoy looking at it however, I mean, how could I? There is far too much going on, words written in silver against a white backdrop, as well as unnecessary "drip" decals- is this hunk of metal... sweating? Maybe it is supposed to be condensation, I dunno.

The purple elixir arrives to your tongue flatter than my sense of humor- it really sips like a still beverage, yet the back of the can claims carbonation water is the first ingredient. Poppycock! The flavor is a nasty mess of monk fruit and Stevia, dominating each and every imbibe with its unruly earthiness. It certainly does not make sense when you remember the purported "Mixed Berryburst" flavor. Honestly, it sounds like something found on generic cough syrup. Anyway, at this point I am but a few mouthfuls in and I am struggling, not only to actually find anything that resembles the aforesaid fruit blend, but also with the experience as a whole: this is an ugly thing to drink, made all the more ugly by the fact that I still have so many ounces left to finish!

With 200 milligrams of caffeine, the buzz is without a doubt the best thing here. But even with stuffz like collagen, vitamins and all that jazz, it is still not worth what I just put my poor palate through. Really, Super Energy Mixed Berryburst is one of the worst energy drinks of not just this year, but of any year.

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Friday, February 2, 2024

Java Monster Salted Caramel Energy Coffee Review

The boring brown can here looks almost no different from many of the myriad of other varieties in the Java spinoff of the Monster line. It has a woodgrain background, minimal text, and, well, not much else. What does that mean, ladies and germs? It means that there is not much else to say here.

Twenty five grams of sweetness, from sugar, glucose, and caramelized sugar, craft the saccharine experience you would expect- oh, and do not forget the dash of sucralose added for waist-friendly saccharinity. It works decently well to all the milkiness, every gulp thick with fattiness, from the can's five grams, although each imbibe has a greater heaviness than the fat-content would suspect; a touch of some artificially thickener lurks about. The caramel flavor is surprisingly restrained, leaving the super-sugariness to do almost all of the talking; and let me tell you, seldom do sips showcase this solicited sapor. The saltiness, achieved at least from the 550 milligrams of sodium, is milder than anticipated and unfortunately so, lost inside the beverage's heavy love for cream and honey; knock the word "Salted" off of the can and the taste would not have even been noticed. Overall, not a glorious extension of the large Java Monster line, but I drank the entire can sooner than I thought; that sounds like it means something.

The energy cocktail reads as follows: taurine, ginseng, caffeine (170 milligrams), inositol, guarana, vitamin C, and B vitamins. The kick is exactly the two and a half hour one you would expect; a gradual and rather pleasant buzz that you just wished lasted a bit longer, considering the premium price some stores charge for the fifteen ounce drink. In the end, Java Monster Salted Caramel does taste something like coffee, caramel, and does provide some energy. It fits the bill, however, it never goes above and beyond.

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Thursday, January 25, 2024

Prime Lemon Lime Energy Drink Review

I am sorta a pushover for soda-inspired energy drinks, though I would take root beer or cola over lemon lime, but I cannot fault Prime for at least entering that arena. The bright green only halfway meets the expected visual criteria, as the simplistic design fails to feature any yellow- I mean, think of the poor little lemon!

By using artificial sweeteners sucralose and ace-k, there was never a chance that this would resemble any fruit as it is found in nature, so its soft drink influence makes all the more sense on the tongue. Your first sip scratches you right where you itch, a sweet and sour avalanche who's absence of complication has you forgetting that this twelve ounce can does not feature the word "Sprite." The citruses lack any nuance, their flavor profiles basic to the point of near boredom if not for the texture. Mouthfuls feature a kind of powdery quality, and its accompanying carbonation is gentle yet firm. In modern internet talk, the TLDR is, yes, this tastes like soda.

We have a very solid 200 milligrams of caffeine, but also some inositol, electrolytes, vitamins, and stuff like that. Yet it is that spunky stimulant that I care about, and the resulting three hour long buzz is a pretty good one. In the end, Prime Lemon Lime aims low then knocks it out of the park.

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