Tuesday, April 21, 2015

Hydrive Black Cherry Energy Drink Review

Trading some childish text for too much text, Hydrive Black Cherry is a beautiful vermilion color hardly seen behind its Brobdingnagian label. It is mostly attractive, with plenty of sultry black and interesting dotted background, but becomes lost as it erroneously believes words like "formula" and "caffeine" are necessary.

Not unlike the best cheep beers, our first swig somehow does not stun with zero taste, an avalanche of watery nothingness. It is expected and as refreshing as bottled water gets, but almost instantly the deepest of fruit flavors dye the former flood blandness and kick your jaw to the floor. Equal parts maraschino and rum cherry, every quaff exploits a paradisiacal balance between playful saccharinity and impassioned tartness. It is sweet while honoring the "black" in its name, sucrose and sucralose behaving and blending in a faultless textbook fashion. Its tenacious texture is provocative on the palate while never growing cloying or unwelcome, its viscidness somewhat grainy yet somehow silky. Has this Hydrive been reformulated since I last praised its taste years ago? I do not know, but I am still praising it.

Each bottle contains: B vitamins, yerba mate, taurine, and 195 milligrams of caffeine. The kick is better than most in of the line, lasting almost four hour long and of equal strength to many of its competitors. On the whole, any of my complaints of Hydrive Black Cherry are niggling.

official site

Monday, April 13, 2015

Zest Tea Earl Grey Black Tea Energy Review

Not the packaging featured across the company's website, this variety's silver sachet is best assumed to be a sample pouch. Actually, it is, given the text "sample" is read after the flavor indication, so let us try and ignore its logorrhea and bland color scheme.

Each quaff cleanses the palate with a sudden aquatic furor, your first gulp revivifies in a fashion that only tea can. The earl grey black genus proves the most pungent of the Zest Teas; a robust flavor slightly earthy but never bitter. There is richness to every imbibe, a slight yeasty, bread-like taste sheathed by both a clement sweetness and placid bergamot citrusness. Your tongue observes an indefectible balance between the binary of sapors, themselves benignant and help craft an experience fervidly refreshing. All of the few sips my six-ounce mug offers left me coveting another; a beverage more honest and mature than its already satisfying predecessors.

The pyramid bag contains an dramatic 150 milligrams of caffeine, birthing a two and a half, if not three, hour long buzz. To end, Zest Tea Earl Grey Black is the brand's strongest effort to date, the most complete and most refined.

official site

Sunday, April 5, 2015

Tornado Ice Energy Drink Review

Back is the gnarly plastic bottle with a replaceable cap, but that continues to be the only area the Tornado brand succeeds: too much real estate is black, empty space fitted with a tiny logo and an underwhelming twister theme. Do tornadoes exist in winter time? The answer is a quick Google search away, but I should not be asking myself that when there is an energy drink in hand.

There is a lot of citrus here, an experience considerably more unique than its Red Bull pretending predecessor- unique, but not tastier. Grapefruit and lemon dominate but disappoint in this fruit salad, flavors fuliginous with little in the way of honesty. Lime, melon and orange join the umbrageous union, produce pushed into the darkness by a diet-destroying fifty nine grams of sugar; giving each already confused sip a heavy and gooey lamination of unsought saccharinity. Undesired dulcitude quickly cloys and clumps together in the back of your throat, further dissimulating the shoal salmagundi. Effervescence is equally mundane, a flat carbonation that engenders the existing stagnant mouthfeel. Overall, Tornado Ice may not be a lamentable Red Bull clone like its relative, but it is lamentable.

Each bottle contains: some B vitamins, taurine, and 142 milligrams of caffeine. Any energy lasts no longer than two hours, an uninspired and unimpressive buzz for something with so much sugar. On the whole, Tornado Ice is almost "so-bad-it's-good." Right now, it is just "so-bad."

Saturday, March 28, 2015

Peak Energy Fresh Mint Review

For a packaging keeping two nickle-sized candies safe, Peak Energy Fresh Mint's sachet gives the pieces too much wiggle room, being larger than a credit card. They are going to bump and bruise each other in a wrapping this loose and this large, however its protracted size keeps things visually clean, with never too much text to busy the blue and black paper pouch.

The matte disks have the brand branded into their faces, very lightweight and smooth mints. They hold their shape well in your mouth, however their previously sleek body melts into a bumpy coin of potent peppermint. The latter is truly a sight; it is nearly bitter, dextrose and sucralose & ace k sweetening feebly for a flavor so persuasive. Its lack of complementary saccharinity extends beyond taste, crafting an unsatisfying snap as you bite into the brittle tablet. The pungent pucks pack too much flavor to compensate for the caffeine, or so it seems. I would not mind four smaller, less puissant morsels with a weaker buzz.

Each mint shines with a hundred milligrams of caffeine, some D-ribose, and B vitamins. Easily the best characteristic here, two pieces imbues in a kick fast, one lasting three plus hours. Keeping up their rock-solid performance is the lack of any crash. In the end, Peak Energy Fresh Mints need to dial back its raucous peppermintiness from an eleven. Otherwise, things are pretty good.

official site

Friday, March 20, 2015

Rockstar Roasted With Almond Milk Caffe Latte Energy Coffee Review

More coffee and almond milk from Rockstar, this Roasted variety is of the nubilous "caffe latte," and I am too tired to remember how that is different from any other foreign coffee concoction. Its can is just as attractive as the Light Vanilla devastation, but let us just hope what is inside tastes better than its diet predecessor.

Swirl the sludge about and watch in terror at the fatless fluids fail to cling to the walls of the cup, resembling black coffee in everything except color and taste. Each Sanka-like sip of the gossamer sepia solution punches through your teeth the pungencies of burnt coffee and bitter chocolate. Its tepid texture disgusts coffee consumers with the rarefied mouthfeel of bottled water, save for the gritty sweetness that is more gritty than sweet. The caliginous brown mud lacks the saccharinity of its twenty two grams, unexpectedly astringent and synthetic from the adverse addition of ace-k and sucralose. Astonishingly awful, Rockstar outdid itself and its competition here and brewed fifteen ounces of pure amaroidal displeasure.

Each can contains: B vitamins, taurine, inositol, ginseng, guarana, and 225 milligrams of caffeine. I like that last part, and Rockstar usually delivers with a pretty rocking buzz, pun intended, and this potable is no different. It lasted four hours, for you of those who care, but ended with a small crash. In the end the verbosely titled "Rockstar Roasted With Almond Milk Energy + Coffee Caffe Latte" sets a new benchmark for bad taste. Its can and kick? Those fortunately are pretty good.

official site

Thursday, March 12, 2015

Red Bull Total Zero The Orange Edition Energy Drink Review

Though the thought of new Red Bulls does not exactly tickle my tummy, their growth spurt from a puny eight ounces to a more neoteric twelve shows the company may finally be realizing the err in their obdurate ways. Unfortunately, the can again falls victim to dumb design, a Red Bull who's packaging has only the ungainly marriage of orange and bare-aluminum. It has been more than a decade, but only now are they realizing the fatuousness of the famous name.

Surprisingly robust despite its sugar free origins, each imbibe splashing the palate with more verisimilitude than it maybe deserves. Things are less just "orange," more a goulash of tangerine and mango with a competent tartness and slight organic bite. It is spartan but interestingly paced, a relaxed, almost refreshing and unostentatious departure from the company's typical offerings. Shamefully, a metallic aftertaste, that is more of a "during" than "after," perverts each effervescent sip. Making matters worse, ace-k and sucralose sweeten with chemical pungency instead of passion, puncturing the foundation of the otherwise sapid soda.

Each can contains: B vitamins, taurine, and 114 milligrams of caffeine. The our and a half long kick is unimpressive considering its premium price, then again, so is its taste. Overall, the can to this Red Bull reads "Made in Switzerland." It is more like "Made Ineptly."

official site

Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Bawls Guarana Orange Review

Bawls is back with another soft drink-inspired flavor, this time orange and the second one after their estimable root beer variety. Its glass bottle continues to feel fabulous in the palm, heavy but grips well with its studded circumference. It is a cleaner design than most, the clear glass cruet allows for the phosphorescent liquid to tell your eyes the flavor without the need of much text.

Sweetness is king in this ten ounce offering, a strong saccharinity never syrupy despite its high fructose corn syrup purity. Perhaps what destroys any slimy texture is the rough effervescence; it is of the curtest carbonation, waking up your tongue and perfectly setting the stage for its flavor. That flavor is orange of course, a relentless imitation of the fruit, each splash of the unyielding liquid painting palates with citrus unsulliedness. Depth is disregarded for a greater citrus concentration, each sip tasting the same as the last and the one upcoming. A tempered tartness eases none of the flavor exclusivity, an experience ignorant of those who thirst for something more diverse as their potation of choice. Doesn't sound like you? Yeah, it doesn't sound like me either.

Guarana, sixty four milligrams of caffeine and thirty three grams of sugar is all we get from this pop, but for the likes of Mtn Dew and Surge drinkers, that is enough. To end, Bawls Guarana Orange's simplicity is meritable, but will not change the opinion of those who do not reach for Sunkist or Fanta from the cooler.

official site

Tuesday, February 24, 2015

Kaffn8 Liquid Caffeine Review

Although I can applaud the plastic for being conveniently clear, that rectangular sticker leaves a whole lot to be desired. "Kaffn8" is clever but confusing, and its slogan "Simply. Caffeine." should read "Simple. Caffeine." For all the real estate that creamy yellow label offers, our eyes are bored with too much text, inconsistently underlined, italicized, and boldfaced. Particularly, that fiscal savings declaration should be removed; this is packaging, not an advertisement.

Oodles of potables were exposed to both a forth and a half ounce of Kaffn8, and cipher of the myriad of mixtures proved bitter. From seventy five milligrams to twice that, this caffeinated liquor successfully converted everything from orange juice to several popular "diet" colas into some sorta sleeper energy drinks. Though only a fraction of an ounce, frequently a sip is needed to prevent the chemical concoction from pooling onto the rim of the soda can, and that is most certainly not good eats, er, drinks. Recommended is synthesizing the two in a tall glass, not only to circumvent the aforementioned but also for the promise of a more absolute blending. Among the more imaginative pairings included coffee, who's own astringency masked the product's own. Several servings of name-brand raisin bran and one percent milk was among the more creative pick-me-ups attempted, and it is a shame there is few breakfast soups to further these unbridled experiments.

Each ounce contains 300 milligrams of the good stuff, so each consumer controls their caffeinated destiny. It is a shame there is nothing else in each 240 milliliter canteen, perhaps a variety loaded with all the usual supplement suspects to more directly combat the energy drink market? In any event, you should not judge Kaffn8 by its cover, or rather container.

official site

Monday, February 16, 2015

NRG MicroShot Review

The rounded bottom of this shot's tube prevents the shot from conveniently standing like its competition, and forces a piece of plastic to wrap the drink with a text sodden card. A flat scrap of paper and a cylindrical container do not mix, as the sheet of plastic proved too loose to keep the two together, whether in my pocket or from the factory to my mailbox.

A sugar and caffeine free chaser rests in hand as taste-bud insurance. Surprisingly scented strongly of the spiced autumn-favorite, my first sip renders my former trepidation moot. The thick brown syrup explodes potently of warm apple, its almost grainy thickness thanks to the unanticipatedly coarse sweetness. Only the slightest bit tart, the seasoned savor of the ofttimes harvested fruit is robust yet uncomplicated. A concentrated solution of granular saccharinity and persuasive flavor, this is a pretty tasty energy shot.

"As much caffeine as a cup of coffee" is the official quantity of my namesake chemical, an amount too vague and generically stated. I have read "120 milligrams" on the interweb, but you should take everything you read online with a grain of salt. Other ingredients to thank for this two hour buzz include: B vitamins, taurine, n-acetyl, and l-tyrosine. On the whole, NRG MicroShot needs a revamped packaging and clearer supplement facts to match its palatable flavor.

official site

Sunday, February 8, 2015

Caution Arizona RX Energy Drink Review

Ninety nine cents is too low to criticize this eleven and a half ounce can from Arizona, the company not the state. It is a lot of yellow and some blue and black, with a little red for color, but the whole "caution tape" artifice is unduly underutilized and ultimately underwhelming. What "RX" means is beyond my caring, but it is inclusions like that that keep this beverage from looking as good as it should, or at least, could.

This thick potion contains ten percent of many juices, all sterilized into a pedestrian pulp of desolate and dense dimensionlessness. Imagine a punch between mango, lemon and lime, but abduct all authenticity and neuter any playfulness. The ingredient list argues even more fruits frolic here, however each gulp is childish without the fun and all of any depth is forgotten in the libation's wanton nescience. Some sucralose and thirty seven grams of sugar, predominately HFCS, sweeten with unforeseen restraint, but the trade off is a discomposing syrupiness who's saving grace is the product's small sub-sixteen size. Orange blossom honey is probably the best thing about this slender elixir, giving every sip a mature bitterness that softly escalates the experience out of its otherwise dejected puerility.

Each can contains: taurine, caffeine (144 milligrams) l-carnitine, ginseng, inositol, guarana, B vitamins, milk thistle and 150 calories. The kick is quite decent considering the quality of the rest of the drink, lasting about two hours, perhaps two and a half. In the end, the name is right: you should approach Caution Arizona RX with plenty of caution.

official site

Saturday, January 31, 2015

Mtn Dew Kickstart Pineapple Orange Mango Review

For the Mtn Dew Kickstart line's plural of new flavors, we lose four ounces in favor of a new coconut water gimmick. How that will affect the taste and kick is yet to be discovered, but we can discuss how the new direction influences the can design. Its brighter color scheme is implicative of the line's breakfast origins, a cheery look that nevertheless disappoints after the edgier Cherry and Lime varieties.

Curt carbonation is rough so early on palates, a sterile cocktail mostly of mango and orange. Every splash submerges you in an experience of equal proportion, a binary braid braided so perfectly you never see the seams stitching the two tastes together. But it is a feeble flavor who takes zero chances with depth or complexity, no rogue nuances or ambagious pulpiness. Little of the namesake pineapple tangos with the predominate fruits, the prudent produce adds only some tartness to the otherwise prosaic punch. High fructose corn syrup sweetens but no sip is syrupy, maybe it is the juice or perhaps the breviloquent effervescence. Whatever the case, never does a mouthful feel like its can should read Mtn Dew. White grape and coconut water provide the trumpeted ten percent of nectar, but your palate is only ever reminded when your eyes read the herald fact.

Each can contains: caffeine (sixty eight milligrams), vitamin C and B vitamins. For those health conscious, add sixty calories from fourteen grams of sugar. The kick is without a doubt the weakest link here, lasting less than an hour. Dear Mtn Dew, that is definitely not the "right about of kick." But to be fair, the Kickstart line has never gotten that right.

official site

Friday, January 23, 2015

Coyote Mango Energy Drink Review

Spanish Monster? No, it is just Coyote, although its can is not too shabby for Job Lot store shelves. A touch generic but easy on the eyes for something with this quantity of text, although there should be more emphasis on both the brand and flavor.

There is much respect to the foreign fruit with every sip. No carbonation has gulps more refreshing than any drink clearanced at seventy cents should be. Meekly sweet with cane sugar has sips so creditable you can feel the fruit's flesh in your mouth and juices dribble down your chin. The body is too thin here, however, with no pulpy texture that certainly distracts from an otherwise fantastic sixteen ounces. Tart, kind and honest with stout believability, Coyote Mango is a smarter tasting energy drink than it should be.

Each can contains: caffeine, taurine, ginseng, inositol, B vitamins, and l-carnitine. The buzz lasts an ineluctably unspectacular two and a half hours. Overall, Coyote Mango's outrageous taste cancels out its generic can and kick.

official site

Thursday, January 15, 2015

Verve Bold Energy Drink Review

Verve Bold's can is quite playful considering its black background, but that juxtaposition works to its favor. Text is sparse and there is never much going on, yet it lacks any dead space; a demonstration of dynamite design. But the size, eight ounces, is still too small.

The muted odors of bubble gum and vitamins flood from the can, your mouth cowers and your eyes water. But what splashes our tongues is not quite that, but not quite much else. Lost deep in every sip are bereft nuances of tangerine and peach, a pair hastily cobbled together into a barren eidolon of the fruits, flavors rough around the edges if you could even taste them. There is some funky vitamin hints corrupting every gulp, however the green tea's trivial bitterness provides some adequate distraction. Then there is the sweetness, as in how there is not much of any! Xylitol, cane sugar, and stevia do their worst here, a nonfunctional trilogy that are simply words on the can. They pervert an already discomposed and dissatisfactory drink into a more reasonless experience. I am always most fortunate when samples are supplied for review, but damn am I unlucky this time.

120 milligrams of caffeine must be what makes this so "bold," but it alas is a misprint, as the correct spelling is "boring." The kick is nothing special being so small, lasting an hour and a half. Other ingredients include: taurine, d-ribose, inositol, B vitamins, and others. On the whole, Verve Bold is not very good. It is actually pretty darn bad.

official site

Wednesday, January 7, 2015

Tornado Original Energy Drink Review

Tornado Original comes with an awesome resealable top, a shrinkwrapped bottle with a black label sporting minimal text. The little tornado graphic is cute but that is as far as the brand runs with the theme, settling for empty space and generic red "swooshes."

After the satisfying tear of the closable cap, Tornado goes down hill faster than any in recent memory. Sixty four grams of real sugar cloy and disgust like high fructose corn syrup does, sticking to the palate a glue saturated of medicinal apple, gummy bubble gum, and sticky vanilla. The trashy triune tumbles through the sickly sweet sorghum ungracefully, its apathetic effervescence only stalling the already slow and shoddy experience. Tying the terrifying troika together is its tiring tartness, the kind of overwhelming and uncomplementary acidity only ever achieved by accident. Every sip is a bacchanalian of inordinateness, a regurgitation of all that has ever been bad about an energy drink's taste.

Every bottle contains: B vitamins, taurine, and 142 milligrams of caffeine. Your reward for stuffing the unsightly sixteen ounces down is a middling buzz, the kind of kick that lasts only two hours. Overall, I once saw a movie where Bill Paxton chased tornadoes. What does that have to do with Tornado Original? They both suck.

Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Your Drink Sucks 2014 Edition

Whether they were sent from the company, discount store finds, or full-priced convenience store dwellers, it seems no company was immune from releasing bad beverages this year.

*these are not necessarily products that were released in 2014, but rather those that were reviewed in 2014.

Vuka Workout Zo-Cal

A mediocre drink when sweetened with actual sugar, Stevia truly taints the brand's solid pedestrian reputation.

Loop Zero

An inferior generic take on the second-rate Monster Zero Ultra, it dilutes an already watery flavor and fluxes on more water. A pointless aberration of a pointless beverage, moving on.

AMP Gold

The company's Dale Jr. Sour flavor almost edged this autumn-inspired catastrophe off the list, but just take my word on this: just avoid the line all-together.

Rockstar Sugar Free

Pure Zero Mango Orange Passion Fruit almost snagged this spot, but that drink at least had 240 milligrams of caffeine. With its highlight its uninspired 160 mg-powered buzz, Rockstar Sugar Free is a stale revision of a relic of the early last decade.

Hansen's Diet Energy Diet Red

I almost did not included this drink due to just how silly it is! Eight ounces?! "Diet" in its name twice?! Red Bull clone?! Still?! It is 2014 Hansen's, get your act together.

Stewart's Sugar Free Impact

Like the mini mart's crap beer in the neighboring chill-chest, there is simply no room in the world for waste like this.

Wired Strawberry Lemonade Energy Drink

What really stings here is the caffeine content: less than 100 milligrams and it is sixteen ounces! That would not be a problem if the rest of the drink was decent- no, wait, it is piteous and that is putting it mildly.

AJ's Rush Energy Sugar Free

Hello AJ's Energy Rush Sugar Free, are you the worst drink reviewed in 2014? No, well, given how relentlessly inadequate you are, I am really concerned about number one.


There are acquired tastes, like beer, dark chocolate and coffee. Then there is retched abominations where you would have pay a great sum of cash to get someone to finish a can with a smile on their face. Aquadopa, I do not care if your company supplied samples for free. This drink sucks and there is no other opinion.

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