Sunday, January 14, 2018

Mati Peach Mango Energy Drink Review

Mati Peach Mango has all the right elements of a decent can; its svelte black backdrop has the dull yellow and green pop, there is not too much text, and everything important is visible without scrabbling about the aluminum real estate. But look at the illustration of that mango! Sure, scoring the flesh of the tropical fruit is an easy way to consume it, but who is going to know that is what it is?!

The Mati brand has always had a tough time with the the fruits playing second fiddle to the guayusa leaves, but here the experience is pure peach. It assaults your taste buds from your first sip, all the way down the can to your final one, leaving the bitter leaves to rumble in a slight undercurrent with every imbibe. Where does this leave the mango? The drupe flavor never picks up steam, buckling beneath the weight of the showcased nectarine. This is not to say Mati Peach Mango is a bad tasting energy drink, but its misleading name is hard to forgive. Sweetness is the best for the line, despite a meager nine grams of the saccharine stuff, going as far as the peach demands without overstepping the acidity or the leaves' astringency.

Each can contains a few vitamins and 115 milligrams of caffeine. The kick is average, lasting two hours but without any jitters. On the whole, Mati Peach Mango is not as strong as the previous Citrus and Cherry varieties, but if this is as bad as they come, I am impressed.

official site

Saturday, January 6, 2018

Shock Wave Sugar Free Energy Drink Review

Though there are a half dozen varieties in Speedway's Shock Wave line of energy drinks, but their cans all blur into one generic string of aluminum scrap. Its can is like a diet, dilution of the original's can, with an even lighter colored can, and one additional line of text.

Lots of sweetness, feeling fake on the tongue but not to the taste buds, transport guava, mango, and a muddled mix of citrus to the mouth. Predominately grapefruit, some refreshing lemon, and dare I say orange, emerge out from the latter's stale fruit cocktail. Effervescence is charming, admittedly the only provocative element to the entire experience, livening the otherwise formulaic fusion. Everything works; it is refreshing despite not being exciting, even with every sip climaxing with a slight sour bite.

Inositol, ginseng, B vitamins, fifteen calories, and 160 milligrams of caffeine. That is the energy blend here, and it is a mediocre one. Your usual two and a half hour buzz is what you get, though what could you want for a cheap, diet, generic energy drink?

Sunday, December 31, 2017

Your Drink Sucks... 2017

Another year, another "Your Drink Sucks" list. This time, it is the year 2017, and drinks still suck. Sorry, spoiler. Buckle your seatbelts, here are the worst of the worst

*these are not necessarily products that were released in 2017, but rather those that were reviewed in 2017.*

Hype Enlite

Being a Red Bull clone does not guarantee a drink sucks, but making a sucky Red Bull clone does.

Rockstar Revolt Killer Black Cherry

A flat, saccharine exercise in excess, this Rockstar is more of a "hasbeen."

Gridlock Ultra White

Another generic take on an unappetizing flavor, the only positive thing here is its low price.

Juice Monster Ripper

A more appropriate name here would be "Barely Juice Monster Ripper."

Mutant Super Soda Red Dawn

I normally only include one drink per brand, but if Monster is going to insist on challenging other, non-energy beverage brands, then their sucky ones will be shamed. Here is such a shaming.

Starbucks Doubleshot Salted Caramel

After the rather spectacular original Doubleshot variety, this sequel soft drink takes the coffee taste out of this espresso.

Bang Sour Heads

Do not get me wrong- I love the name "Bang," but this drink seems to of had the flavor banged out of it.

Hi Ball Ruby Red

There was so much potential in an idiosyncratic company like Hi Ball making a grapefruit drink. Disappointment followed.

True Eagle

For all its patriotism, it is a shame True Eagle's flavor is ripped off from foreign flavors. (Perhaps plagiarism is also patriotic?)

Friday, December 29, 2017

Monster Ultra Violet Energy Drink Review

This bright purple can sports the same base design as the other "Ultra" varieties in the line, complete with its once-unique-now-overused textured aluminum. The silver doodles against the lavender background has a lot going on, but despite all its wild imagery, I was never inclined to pay it much attention. But it is the back paragraph of puffery that steals the show, mentioning everything 70's, from bell-bottoms to magic carpets. What that has to do with grape energy drinks is beyond me, but it is a worthy ride, if only for the corporate bizarreness.

If ice-pops were made without sugar, melted, and then carbonated, you would have Ultra Violet's taste. It is full-on grape candy flavor, avoiding the robustness of an actual red grape or the potency of grape soda, for better or worse. But the problem here lies in its saccharinity, achieved via erythritol, sucralose, and ace-k- they simply lack the sweetening chops for this flavor! The fruit blasts onto your tongue, anticipating a dramatic sugariness full of weight and nuance, but is left with the hollow heft of the synthetic sugars and sugar alcohol. Its a discrepancy that leaves the experience floundering in awkwardness and identity crisis.

Each can contains: caffeine (140 milligrams), taurine, and B vitamins. The energy to this energy drink is its weakest aspect, however, lasting two hours, though there is not any crash following. On the whole, Monster Ultra Violet is a misguided expansion of an already mangled line.

official site

Thursday, December 21, 2017

Mtn Dew Holiday Brew Review

After the mediocre critical success of their last holiday beverage, Dew-S-A, Mtn Dew comes down the chimney with Holiday Brew, a blend of the popular Code Red flavor and the trademark variety. The bottle is festive, I like how the green label and cap contrast with the nuclear red liquid, but boy, is there a lot going on in the design.

The flavor tastes exactly like it is supposed to, like Mtn Dew regular and Code Red, for better or worse. It is a potently sweet mixture of cherry, lemon, lime and melon, no one sip reveals the lazy fruit stitching, all tasting congruous as if this is how the flavors were always supposed to be experienced. But the problems of the Mtn Dew brand shine through the crimson cocktail, most notably the lack of acidity and a relentlessly syrupy saccharinity. You taste nothing but sugar by the last few ounces, but if that is how you like your soda, then happy holidays.

There is ninety one milligrams of caffeine to be enjoyed, but the tradeoff is seventy seven grams of high fructose corn syrup. It is a lot of calories for such a small kick, leaving me wonder why you would not just crack open one of those reduced calorie AMP drinks. In the end, Mtn Dew Holiday Brew is a smaller lump of coal than expected.

official site

Wednesday, December 13, 2017

Bang Cotton Candy Energy Drink Review

Another Bang another day, I suppose, this time Cotton Candy flavored. Its can suffers from the same misfires as the earlier Sour Heads variety did, with a largely boring black can and a sterile design. Sure, it is easy to read and all, but at what cost?

Well, it certainly tastes like cotton candy, for better or worse. It has that familiar blue raspberry and vanilla flavor down to a "t," with its sweetness and almost powdery mouthfeel allowing passive sips to resemble the spun sugar confection. What works particularly well, if not surprisingly, is the saccharinity; sure, it is purely synthetic, but the sham sugars, the familiar cocktail of sucralose and ace-k, lack the weight of true carbohydrates, giving every sip an airy, weightless texture that bodes oh so well to the novelty taste. Still, sixteen ounces is a lot to stomach for such a gimmicky flavor, and unless you are a professional energy drink critic, you probably will not finish an entire can.

Each can contains: creatine, B vitamins, coenzyme Q10, vitamin C and 300 milligrams of caffeine. The buzz here is rocking, lasting around three and a half hours, with some jitters- surprising, considering the lack of sugar. On the whole, Bang Cotton Candy is a peculiar drink, and if I used both thumbs, one would be up with the other the other way.

official site

Tuesday, December 5, 2017

Hi Ball Ruby Red Energy Drink Review

It has been a long time since a Hi Ball brand drink crossed my desk (thank you, hipster "organic" grocery store chain); bright pink does not do the cozy little design much justice, but it is serviceable. Things are cleaner than all the text and patterns suggest, but the large brand name struggles with its undercase typeface and identical coloring to the rest of the can.

A mere five percentage of juice wrestles the rest of the ingredients as it tries to influence the experience, but it never rises above every sips bitter influence. It lacks the freshness the juice should have imbued; imbibes are listless and tired, more alike your usual macro canned energy drink than what the can suggested it contained. The grapefruit itself its leaden, its fragile intricacy often lost in a sea of acrid aftertastes of organic ingredients. Everything is one-note, no one gulp offers anything unique, just flat sameness that wears down your tolerance for mediocrity. Saccharinity, forty grams of cane sugar, combats the astringents and never wins- it is sixteen ounces of undersweetened miscalculations.

Each can contains: B vitamins, guarana, ginseng, and 160 milligrams. The buzz is the best thing here, lasting just under three hours and never jittery. To end, Hi Ball Ruby Red is a disappointment when you consider all this unusual company could have done with such an unusual flavor.

official site
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