Thursday, August 27, 2015

Amp Zero Blueberry White Grape Energy Drink Review

The albino can is packed with text but remains fairly easy to read and on the eyes, however some nip and trimming could go a long way. It is unoffensive but fails to create a sense of energy, its tall transport and "energy" prompt telling the consumer what it is instead of the design.

Much of the many sips of this sixteen ounce offering is steeped in artificial sweetness, a chemical flavor that washes away much of any real flavor. The flavor is of course blueberry and white grape, the former completely one-dimensional and is equally as false as the saccharinity it is predominately veiled by. The latter of the namesake taste gives only a dry, powdery tartness to every imbibe, a much welcome breath of idiosyncrasy to the otherwise stagnant experience, however sedated it is. The carbonation is dull as the beverages boringly slides across your palate, a sober experience that is everything wrong with diet energy drinks.

Each can contains: ten calories, B vitamins, guarana, taurine, ginseng and 157 milligrams of caffeine. The buzz is a dated two hours long, the kick a relic of the energy drink market infancy. Overall, Amp Zero Blueberry White Grape is no where near as interesting as it should have been.

official site

Wednesday, August 19, 2015

Rockstar Lime Freeze Energy Drink Review

The florescent green backdrop and white electric swirl detail jumps off of the shelf more so than most, and keeps the eyes flowing from the brand to the flavor to the ounces effortlessly. That is not to say the can is flawless, because it is not. The secondary color of the logo blends into the background, and the name "Lime Freeze" does not need to be explained further by big black "Frozen Lime" text.

For the flavor, expect a pale imitation of the company's superannuated Punched Citrus variety of years past; drown in the bathetic lime and tiresome tartness itself tired. The fruit tastes without legitimacy, a breathtakingly unalacritous impersonation with a most tacky texture and onerous saccharinity. Each sip coats your mouth in agglutinative aridity, a gooey sap that makes every sip a Sisyphean struggle; a bromidic battle through the amaranthine saccharinity of sixty two grams of sugar and the invariably paced sixteen ounces. And even after each of every injudicious and jejune gulp is shoved down your throat, your saliva stained in the incessant staleness. I typically am biased towards lime flavored energy drinks, but does this Rockstar ever disappoint.

For all the sugar and 280 calories, we get only 160 milligrams of caffeine. This formulates an underwhelming three hours kick, jittery and ending with one hell of a crash. There is also: taurine, guarana, inositol, ginseng, and milk thistle. On the whole, Rockstar Lime Freeze is an unworthy addition to a line almost exclusively of unworthy additions.

official site

Tuesday, August 11, 2015

Stewart's Impact Energy Drink Review

My lawyers Itchy and Twitchy present bad news: ratings are down and sponsors are reconsidering. Why? They profess my exploitation of English has them spending more time buried in dictionaries than on my site. They tell me that I must use simpler sentences and shorter words. That should not be so difficult- I mean hard. The drink today is Stewart's Impact, brought to us in a, um, small can that is more soda or beer than energy drink. Was that good, guys? Just okay, well, I should get the hang of this eventually- I mean soon.

So here is the enemy roll call: we have blah bubble gum, syrupy sweetness, apathetic- I mean boring, apple flavors, and vanilla vanilla. What do you mean? It is wordplay; vanilla means spartan... Spartan means simple. Well, yes I could just say "simple"- never mind. Without surprise, the text painting the can lies; citrus this is not and Red Bull this wants to be. Sips are obese and obnoxious- you know what those words means, right lawyers? Complexity is tossed out immediately, favoring instead injudicious silliness, that means imprudent- no, not what "silliness" means- and no, not the stuff that is good for digestion! Damn, is this really what people like reading? Anyway, that is all for the taste- what do you mean I did not compare it to Red Bull or Monster?! Who cares! I already said it is a ripoff of the former! Yes, the former is reference to Red Bull. Fine, if you are a die hard fan of either drink, then why are you reading this review? There are hundreds of similar drinks on every store shelf to sate your obtuse tastes!

For energy we have a 218 milligram blend of: taurine, ginseng, inositol, guarana, caffeine- what do you mean readers do not care about ingredients? They just want to know if it is stronger than Monster or Red Bull? It is not a fair comparison, considering the size differences- yes I know Red Bull comes in twelve ounce cans but- no, I am not spending four bucks just for this review! If people are looking to save money, drink coffee. Or get a higher paying job. I hear McDonald's is hiring *SLAP* ... sorry Itchy, I forgot your night shifts. Overall, and lawyers please cover your eyes: Stewart's Impact is an ambisinistrous prostitution of pricey potations who's zealots should be enough educated to know I am lampooning- *SLAP* ... lawyers, I told you to keep your eyes shut! Twitchy, what are you doing?! Don't you dare open a can!

Monday, August 3, 2015

Mtn Dew Kickstart Strawberry Kiwi Review

Strawberry Kiwi is the second of the coconut water-containing Mtn Dew Kickstarts, a smaller can sold for the same price due to the aforementioned artifice and slightly higher juice content. The design is unexciting however, the red and white complementing each other nicely, but ultimately filled with too much text written at too many incongruous angles.

Aroma-wise, it is fantastic; really pushing the verisimilitude of the meager juice content. Surprisingly this extends to the flavor as well, tasting predominately of the strawberry but dominating without remorse. Kiwi is but text on the can, never influencing any of the sips and wasting space on the aluminum transport of this twelve ounce beverage. Its magisterial sapor is bereft of the depth needed to keep palates stimulated for the entire experience, despite its undiluted focus on the sole harvest. With its fourteen grams of sugar and synthetic sweetener blend of sucralose and ace-k, the taste wisely mimics the fruit instead of some candy-store impersonation; its sweetness simply could not handle any other interpretation of the flavor. Coconut water gives the few final sips a slight gooey texture and sour savor, especially unpleasant if the drink warms by then.

Each can contains only: caffeine (sixty eight milligrams), B vitamins, and vitamin C. For a flavor so focused on one taste, it is a shame the kick does not have the same level of dedication; a buzz lasting around an hour. Overall, Mtn Dew Kickstart Strawberry Kiwi hardly kicks and lacks any kiwi.

official site

Sunday, July 26, 2015

Canna Mango Energy Drink Review

It is nearly impossible to distinguish this variety from the brand's other offering, and that is far from a good thing. It may be a clean design, easy to read and attractively bright green, but it places all bets on the idiotic "hemp" artifice and loses. It is not edgy nor is it cool.

From its taste along, I give this a recommendation, and I am only on my first sip. Candid sweetness thanks to real cane sugar, its weight is envied by every diet drink out there. Its texture is thick and almost grainy, a brilliant parody of the fruit's pulp that provides every gulp more unfeigned realism that it has any right to be. But it is the flavor that truly shines, a sole mango experience without any nuance to distract from its juicy honesty. At a short twelve ounces, its veracious purity never exhausts your liking for the unconvoluted mango imitation, however that does not completely excuse its incapacious can. Today it is "go big or go home," and unless Canna Mango plays on its competitors terms, it is gonna wind up going home. And that is a shame.

Each can contains: caffeine (120 milligrams), B vitamins, taurine, hemp, and inositol. You are not going to get more than two hours worth of energy out of this, but you should not have any crash afterwords either. Overall, Canna Mango is a tasty but imperfect energy drinks. Yeah, it is one of those again.

official site

Saturday, July 18, 2015

Venom Low Calorie Strawberry Apple Energy Drink Review

The first new Venom in a long time, the flavor today is Strawberry Apple and appears not to have any sugared alternative available. The can has lamentably mutated from the awesome original, resealable one to the standard sixteen ounce pull-tab variety, but the intimidating design auspiciously remains intact.

Our first sip is sweet, the fruits taste gooey and saccharine with a sour, earthy bite. The initial splash on your tongue is strawberry, an honest rendition if it were not for its extreme but artificial sugariness. The sweetness additionally blurs any depth to bright red produce, bridging blandly into the later apple flavor. You hardly recognize the transformation, the oft autumn-harvest adding only a superficial taste and tartness. Erythritol, ace-k and sucralose are the sweetener-system of choice and do an indiscriminate job, never offensively not sugar but at the same time painfully not sugar. Overall, after a long hiatus, Venom comes back with a whimper.

Each can contains: B vitamins, taurine, ginseng, and 160 milligrams of caffeine. The kick is as standard as the brand has ever been, a buzz lasting three hours on a good day. Overall, it is good to see Venom back, but their Strawberry Apple Low Calorie variety is not good.

official site

Friday, July 10, 2015

Amp Zero Watermelon Energy Drink Review

Amp Zero Watermelon appears on store shelves without any notice, along with several other new varieties. The line has been refurbished many times and it looks like it happened again, this time at least the flavors are more unique. Its can is pale and prosaic, dispassionately getting the job done.

Strong fumes pour from the can, a scent so innocent and inviting our first sip happens almost immediately. The sapor is full-on candy, sweet and playful though grievously without the weight of true sugar. The synthetics preform admirably otherwise, with sucralose and ace-k never promoting any artificiality in the experience. At least, any saccharine disingenuousness is veiled by the beverage's mild sour bite, pleasantly engendering the potation's sweetmeat focus. But sip after sip the flavor wears on your palate, proving that perhaps watermelon is too much at sixteen ounces.

Each can contains: B vitamins, guarana, taurine, ginseng, and 157 milligrams of caffeine. The buzz is only two hours long, proving that no matter how many times the brand is refreshed, the lackluster kick remains. In the end, Amp Zero Watermelon is a decent overall cooler with some fun ideas but mediocre execution.

official site

Thursday, July 2, 2015

Arnold Palmer Drive Performance Energy Drink Review

This tall black can sports the golf-legend proudly, his name written in cursive and at an angle. "Drive" is tossed below it, insinuating, alongside the lower "performance," that this is Arizona's next entry into the energy drink market. It is not necessarily an ugly can, however kids drink the brand's drinks, and there is minimal difference at first glance to warn of this libation's caffeine content.

This fifteen and a half-ounce potation sips smoothly but with zero pizzazz; the tea lacking any bitter depth, and the lemonade missing almost all its sourness. What we are left with about two cups of uninteresting water, only the faintest tartness to the even weaker citrusness and the weakest tea taste. A puny twenty three grams of sugar is here, sweetening without conviction and becoming lost in all the tepid wateriness. Ten percentage of juice proves to not be nearly enough, a distracted, distant pulpiness gives each forced mouthfeel too clean of a texture; where is the weight or the diversity? Overall, Arnold Palmer Drive about sums up what is so wrong about canned Arnold Palmers.

Each can contains: caffeine (120 milligrams), guarana, acai querticin, B vitamins and green tea. For almost a sixteen ounce potable, the ingredient-cocktail is paltry; brewing a buzz lasting roughly an hour and a half, only. To end, Arnold Palmer Drive is an interesting but completely misguided excuse of an energy drink.

official site

Wednesday, June 24, 2015

Thunder Healthy High Voltage Energy Drink Review

Thunder's can never makes me think of actual thunder. It is black with a lot of silver and some grey, but what does that have to do with the sound caused by lightning? Rain drops pepper the aluminum, with what I guess is a lightning bolt interior, but that is just speculation.

Our first sip of this flippant elixir is predominately passive tastes of grapefruit and lime. They are neighboring flavors tasted parallel but are never braided, each aromas its own and saves the experience from succumbing to the common indistinctness of your usual punch. A subjacent pool of raspberry complements the skyward citruses, perhaps with some cranberry approximately present, fruit providing a little more depth to all the sourness than anticipated. The puckering produce is almost awkwardly tart despite their sufficient sugariness however. Sucralose and ace-k promote one of their better showings, a sweetness assiduously attempting with every sip to fool the palate that the simulacrum saccharinity is honest cane sugar; an effort unsuccessful but appreciated. Overall, Thunder's flavor is a frequent flavor done decently here.

Each can contains: ten calories, caffeine (eighty milligrams), green tea, and B vitamins. The kick is debatably "healthy" due to artificial sugars, and is far from "high voltage" with an ingredient cocktail like this. If you have ever had a similarly sized drink, you should be familiar with its hour long buzz. To end, Thunder shatters no expectations, but fortunately not your waistline.

official site

Tuesday, June 16, 2015

Verve Zero Sugar Energy Drink Review

White and silver introduce this small can to unwelcoming eyes, a color scheme who's diet nature is focused far too heavily on. It is identical in design to the other in the line, however this time things are uninterestingly pale and lacks the excitement an energy drink should have.

Effluvious odors pour out soon after a yank of the pull tab, chalky and heavy as it leaves far from a decent impression. This is a diet drink and every gulp is a constant reminder; stevia cannot mask the organic nastiness and even adds its own. For eight ounces we suffer through the leadened tastes of distrait orange and syrupy vanilla, and awkward blending of flavors awkwardly blended. Each sip has musty vitamin notes, a polluting suggestion that weighs heavy on the already bogged down experience. Icing on this cardboard cake is its planate effervescence, a stagnant carbonation that adds another level of leveled insipidity. Overall, Verve Zero Sugar has zero things going for it.

Ingredients include: caffeine (eighty milligrams), A, many B, and C vitamins, green tea, taurine, inositol, and many other ingredients. Its squalid taste obviously suffers from the myriad of minerals, a risky move that only results in an hour long buzz. To end, if Verve Zero Sugar continues their exclusive focus on functionality over flavor, they are going to need more caffeine.

official site

Monday, June 8, 2015

Exhale Green Appletini Energy Drink Review

A Big Lots buy, in case its bizarre, twelve ounce shrink-wrapped can did not already scream it. Loaded with stock images of cityscapes and women, one a silhouette and another smoking a cigarette, its lack of a conventional energy drink theme makes for one of the most interesting, but not good, designs seen this year.

I do not know what is so "-tini" about this; it is just an old fashioned apple soda. A lot of Granny Smith and McIntosh coat the tongue in this crystalline green syrup, with some Golden Delicious nuance for good measure. There are likely others somewhere in any sip, buried deep in the thin nectar under the weight of the former. Despite the ternary varieties of the autumn cultivated fruits, any depth is surface level and gulps are clean and uncomplicated, requiring no thought outside remembering to swallow. The experience is fairly tart yet gently sweet, or at least not as sweet as its sixty three grams suggests. AMP tried last year with an apple drink, and its flavor failed pretty hard. Exhale here? It is mostly a success.

Each can contains: 250 calories, B vitamins, vitamin C, caffeine, and taurine. There is a pretty great sugar rush, but certainly something of a crash two hours after. In the end, Exhale Green Appletini Energy Drink is a weird one, not bad but the rest of the beverage does not live up to the can's craziness.

Sunday, May 31, 2015

Rockstar Horchata Energy Drink Review

When there is no more flavors left to make, Rockstar makes a horchata energy drink. The most intriguing, if not desperate, attempt from the company, this sixteen ounce variety at least visually stands out; the large bird graphic in particular giving it distinction from the brand's other offerings.

The gelatinous, lactescent beverage pours into your mouth, an experience considerably richer than most of the company's coffee experiments. Its heavy mouthfeel gives the clement fatty savor decent verisimilitude, although the rice flour and sunflower oil give the texture more weight than the milquetoast milky sapor suggests. The actual taste? It is predominately cinnamon, a slight spiciness with an earthy edge of indistinct nuttiness. It is vapid with unfortunately minimal depth, each lardaceous sip staining your palate with a dense consistency but a famine of flavor. Every sip climaxes with a metallic, synthetic aftertaste that is quickly squashed by another gulp; giving the entire episode one final reminder that you are drinking orxata from a can.

Here is where the drink excels: 225 milligrams of caffeine. A great amount resulting in an almost four hour buzz. Each can also contains: B vitamins, taurine, inositol, l-carnitine, guarana, milk thistle, and ginseng. On the whole, Horchata is a creative and almost successful expansion of the long-running Rockstar line. Almost.

official site

Saturday, May 23, 2015

Monster Ultra Citron Energy Drink Review

Another brightly colored "Ultra" variety from the Monster conglomerate, this time the name is Citron and the expectation is lemon. Its can is textured but it seems every flavor from the brand is, making the once unique hand-feel a boring expectation.

Redolence reminiscent of cleaning supplies rather than fresh fruit, with its relentless aroma of fake citrus. We take a sip, and I will be darned, it ain't half bad. The flavor is pure lemon, lighter than the pheromones that escape into the nose, with a slight tartness that builds in the back of your throat. Its impersonation of the produce falls on the more natural side of the scale, resistant without the potency of the perfume, for better or worse. Erythritol, sucralose, and ace-k rock together in place of real sugar, a decent blend that cannot give the lemonade-wannabe flavor its desiderated heft. Its texture could also use some work; a watery mouthfeel with a finite famine of any pulpy goodness. For a diet, big-name release, Monster Ultra Citron is actually pretty good; it just dismally lacks the something-something to make it great.

Each can contains: caffeine (one hundred and fifty two milligrams), B vitamins, taurine, ginseng, l-carnitine, guarana, and inositol. This stock blend has the ingredients for a terrific buzz, but lasts only two and a half hours. In the end, Monster Ultra Citron's taste is one of the more complete from the company, bringing an otherwise ordinary experience up a few pegs.

official site

Friday, May 15, 2015

Red Bull the Yellow Edition Energy Drink Review

This tropical-inspired Red Bull debuted last year with the sobriquet "Summer," but only recently started showing its can in my neighborhood. It is a decent twelve ounces, bigger than the trademark bullet can the brand popularized but still smaller than much of its competition, not to mention more expensive. Yellow is at least aestival, but one cannot help but think "Yellow Bull" is a better name.

Gone is the medicinal grip famous for the company; traded for a rough stitching of pineapple, orange and mango. Its haste cobbling is fortunately mostly guised by an upfront tartness, a puckering and pleasant acidity that breathes much of the only veracity into the ternion of exotic fruit forgery. The produce themselves are fogged together, acting more as an overview of three flavors, rather than allowing each savor's nuance to parade across the palate. Papaya and passion fruit almost make a welcome appearance, but the soupcon is choked off of the tongue by the leadened effervescence; carbonation not bubbly enough for the "tropical" plastered across the can. At least the thirty nine grams of sugar sweetens with respected restraint; an almost granular saccharinity that avoids any syrupiness. In the end, this is not the hit Red Bull may have needed, but at least they are trying.

Each can contains: B vitamins, taurine, and 114 milligrams of caffeine. The kick is unimpressive, lasting an hour and a half. Overall, Red Bull the Yellow Edition is a little experience: a little small, a little expensive, little taste and a little weak.

official site

Thursday, May 7, 2015

Root 9 Panax Red Vitality Drink Review

Root 9 comes in two flavors, Red and Gold, a naming convention more like cigarettes than energy- wait, I mean vitality, drinks. Aside from the meager, and internet purported, fifty milligrams of caffeine, this twelve ounce can masquerades as your typical energy beverage. It is at least cleanly designed, but its oracular artifice is more confusing than effective.

Lightly tumbled, this carbonated potation has a terrific bite; a sour, earthy kick that balances the thin line between bitter and piquant. Its acidity is puckering and bodes brilliantly to the experience's relaxed saccharinity, accomplished with sucralose and ace-k. The sugar system's own chemical acridness is guised almost impressively by the coarse tartness, with minimal aftertaste tasted through the resilient acerbity. With all those sentences, it is hard to forget we have yet to discuss the potable's actual taste, which is a tenebrous blend of inchoate fruits muddled together and buried well beneath the citric sharpness. The ginseng and green tea makes every sip a polysemous mix of produce, the inconspicuous citrus and bleary berry flavors proving decidedly less interesting than the homey acidulousness.

Each can contains: the aforementioned quantity of caffeine, B vitamins, vitamin C, and 500 milligrams of red ginseng. Any energy derived is minor, a buzz lasting unexcitingly under an hour. In the end, Root 9 Panax Red's flavor deserves more potency and more explicit gimmick.

official site
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