Friday, January 23, 2015

Coyote Mango Energy Drink Review

Spanish Monster? No, it is just Coyote, although its can is not too shabby for Job Lot store shelves. A touch generic but easy on the eyes for something with this quantity of text, although there should be more emphasis on both the brand and flavor.

There is much respect to the foreign fruit with every sip. No carbonation has gulps more refreshing than any drink clearanced at seventy cents should be. Meekly sweet with cane sugar has sips so creditable you can feel the fruit's flesh in your mouth and juices dribble down your chin. The body is too thin here, however, with no pulpy texture that certainly distracts from an otherwise fantastic sixteen ounces. Tart, kind and honest with stout believability, Coyote Mango is a smarter tasting energy drink than it should be.

Each can contains: caffeine, taurine, ginseng, inositol, B vitamins, and l-carnitine. The buzz lasts an ineluctably unspectacular two and a half hours. Overall, Coyote Mango's outrageous taste cancels out its generic can and kick.

official site

Thursday, January 15, 2015

Verve Bold Energy Drink Review

Verve Bold's can is quite playful considering its black background, but that juxtaposition works to its favor. Text is sparse and there is never much going on, yet it lacks any dead space; a demonstration of dynamite design. But the size, eight ounces, is still too small.

The muted odors of bubble gum and vitamins flood from the can, your mouth cowers and your eyes water. But what splashes our tongues is not quite that, but not quite much else. Lost deep in every sip are bereft nuances of tangerine and peach, a pair hastily cobbled together into a barren eidolon of the fruits, flavors rough around the edges if you could even taste them. There is some funky vitamin hints corrupting every gulp, however the green tea's trivial bitterness provides some adequate distraction. Then there is the sweetness, as in how there is not much of any! Xylitol, cane sugar, and stevia do their worst here, a nonfunctional trilogy that are simply words on the can. They pervert an already discomposed and dissatisfactory drink into a more reasonless experience. I am always most fortunate when samples are supplied for review, but damn am I unlucky this time.

120 milligrams of caffeine must be what makes this so "bold," but it alas is a misprint, as the correct spelling is "boring." The kick is nothing special being so small, lasting an hour and a half. Other ingredients include: taurine, d-ribose, inositol, B vitamins, and others. On the whole, Verve Bold is not very good. It is actually pretty darn bad.

official site

Wednesday, January 7, 2015

Tornado Original Energy Drink Review

Tornado Original comes with an awesome resealable top, a shrinkwrapped bottle with a black label sporting minimal text. The little tornado graphic is cute but that is as far as the brand runs with the theme, settling for empty space and generic red "swooshes."

After the satisfying tear of the closable cap, Tornado goes down hill faster than any in recent memory. Sixty four grams of real sugar cloy and disgust like high fructose corn syrup does, sticking to the palate a glue saturated of medicinal apple, gummy bubble gum, and sticky vanilla. The trashy triune tumbles through the sickly sweet sorghum ungracefully, its apathetic effervescence only stalling the already slow and shoddy experience. Tying the terrifying troika together is its tiring tartness, the kind of overwhelming and uncomplementary acidity only ever achieved by accident. Every sip is a bacchanalian of inordinateness, a regurgitation of all that has ever been bad about an energy drink's taste.

Every bottle contains: B vitamins, taurine, and 142 milligrams of caffeine. Your reward for stuffing the unsightly sixteen ounces down is a middling buzz, the kind of kick that lasts only two hours. Overall, I once saw a movie where Bill Paxton chased tornadoes. What does that have to do with Tornado Original? They both suck.

Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Your Drink Sucks 2014 Edition

Whether they were sent from the company, discount store finds, or full-priced convenience store dwellers, it seems no company was immune from releasing bad beverages this year.

*these are not necessarily products that were released in 2014, but rather those that were reviewed in 2014.

Vuka Workout Zo-Cal

A mediocre drink when sweetened with actual sugar, Stevia truly taints the brand's solid pedestrian reputation.

Loop Zero

An inferior generic take on the second-rate Monster Zero Ultra, it dilutes an already watery flavor and fluxes on more water. A pointless aberration of a pointless beverage, moving on.

AMP Gold

The company's Dale Jr. Sour flavor almost edged this autumn-inspired catastrophe off the list, but just take my word on this: just avoid the line all-together.

Rockstar Sugar Free

Pure Zero Mango Orange Passion Fruit almost snagged this spot, but that drink at least had 240 milligrams of caffeine. With its highlight its uninspired 160 mg-powered buzz, Rockstar Sugar Free is a stale revision of a relic of the early last decade.

Hansen's Diet Energy Diet Red

I almost did not included this drink due to just how silly it is! Eight ounces?! "Diet" in its name twice?! Red Bull clone?! Still?! It is 2014 Hansen's, get your act together.

Stewart's Sugar Free Impact

Like the mini mart's crap beer in the neighboring chill-chest, there is simply no room in the world for waste like this.

Wired Strawberry Lemonade Energy Drink

What really stings here is the caffeine content: less than 100 milligrams and it is sixteen ounces! That would not be a problem if the rest of the drink was decent- no, wait, it is piteous and that is putting it mildly.

AJ's Rush Energy Sugar Free

Hello AJ's Energy Rush Sugar Free, are you the worst drink reviewed in 2014? No, well, given how relentlessly inadequate you are, I am really concerned about number one.


There are acquired tastes, like beer, dark chocolate and coffee. Then there is retched abominations where you would have pay a great sum of cash to get someone to finish a can with a smile on their face. Aquadopa, I do not care if your company supplied samples for free. This drink sucks and there is no other opinion.

Tuesday, December 30, 2014

Moxie Recharge Tea/Lemonade Energy Drink Review

Out of nowhere comes a new Moxie variety, a brand long thought to be abeyant. However their return is in the unfortunate form of those "rehab" drinks popularized by its more common competitors. Here the synonym is recharge and its can is the compulsory black with ample suggestions of yellow. It is not ugly, but the personality of the brand is not as edgy as the can believes it is.

A capricious departure from the "recovery" genus of beverages, 260 calories rock your tongue with all the sugar your waist does not need. Even more surprising is its carbonation, another trademark absence in the genre. Drinking as an energy drink should, each sip has terrific weight, an effervescent puddle of gooey saccharinity and tart lemony goodness. Your lips furrow with felicity from all the sour sweetness, each gulp cloying and clogging your throat but you pound away anyway at the can with a huge smile. Tea is inappropriately given top billing on the can, present in none of the sixteen ounces. Okay, maybe there is some aftertaste tinted of the black leaves, but an Arnold Palmer this is not. It is better.

B and C vitamins, taurine, inositol, caffeine, and gentian root come in each can, along with sixty two grams of sugar and the aforementioned calorie count. Energy is basic but functional, lasting two and a half hours, maybe three. With all that sugar there definitely is a bit of a crash after. With all said and done, Moxie Recharge is a breath of fresh air in the "hydration" market, though its peculiarities are likely to disunite consumers.

Monday, December 22, 2014

X-Mode Energy Shot Review

Not unlike Kymera Freakish Energy, X-Mode is a bulk energy shot in the tradition of a boxed wine. These are always interesting products to experience, and although its packaging explains its artifice succinctly, neither its name nor corrugated cardboard are exciting. Maybe "X-Mode" is the state of mind after imbibing X-Mode, but that is not a question you should be asking yourself with such a condensed caffeinated product.

The fluid has a thick smell, warm but with deep suggestions of black cherry layered over the anticipated maraschino. However its flavor is full-on candy, a super-sweet syrup with only a little bit of tartness but absolutely no bitterness. That last part should put you palate at ease, and you can sip nonchalantly without the absinthian anxiety of every early energy shot. Yet its flavor is depthless, a cursory exercise where each sip is the same as the last. That matters none with your first few gulps, but you can only plow so far through the 100 ounce carton before you yen for intricacy. The solution lies in mixing, having the transpicuous lavender liquid socialize with a variety of sodas. Two thirds a bottle goes unnoticed fused with a famous lemon-lime pop, influencing only the color of the formerly xanthous elixir, and I suppose other seltzers stir in equally anonymously. Overall, X-Mode's flavor gets a thumbs up not for its flavor, but for its absence of bitterness. With energy shots, I am afraid that is how it works.

What is my name? Caffeine King, sometimes with "the" in front, so what do I care about here? Each ounce has 150 milligrams of the aforementioned alkaloid- so forget about the taurine, B vitamins, and other stuff additionally found inside. I had two servings, crafting a nearly five hour rush of twitchy energy, a decidedly old-school buzz that crashed somewhat after. In the end, X-Mode's packaging is surprisingly plebeian, but what is inside tastes okay and is pretty damn potent. It is one of those products that progressively gets better.

official site

Sunday, December 14, 2014

Go Energy Gummies Review

This attempt at sophistication, or minimalism, or whatever style this is, comes off glacial and uninteresting. Silver and white fail to craft an inviting satchel, and its generic text complete its bromidic presentation. The wrapper is unimpressive even on the palm, flimsy and feels as if it would sunder if tossed in my backpack or back pocket. Energy gummies, by definition, are fun, so this packaging should be fun too.

The bleached baggie has a duet of deep purplish red parallelograms who peel out with terrific surprise, two shaped blocks of sugar considerably more dramatic than what they ship in. Their unanticipated size leads to an initial ambisinistrous mouthfeel however, but unleash your inner kid and embrace the massive mouthful. The Tyrian flesh has a brilliant texture, stiff and coarse at first chew but melting into an epicurean pool of obese nectar at the gentle warmth of your breath. What is its taste? Tartish blueberry with perhaps some grape or even blue raspberry, but it is hard to tell and that is sorta the point. You do not go tearing a bag of Haribo gummy-whatever looking for depth. But there is another reason for the inexact flavor: even the supremacy of saccharose cannot control the chemical burn of 100 milligrams of caffeine each candy contains. An impressive amount yes, but one cannot help wishing for a bigger size to offset the slight bitterness.

In addition to all that caffeine, we have six grams of sugar, some B and C vitamins, taurine, and carnitine. And remember, that is per gummy. The kick was pretty fabulous, hitting hard and fast, lasting three and a half, if not four, hours. On the whole, Go Energy Gummies' strength and predominately decent flavor almost outweigh its bitterness and unemotional packaging.

official site

Saturday, December 6, 2014

Monster Ultra Sunrise Energy Drink Review

Bright without being playful, the can to this unknowingly divulgated Monster is silly and very far from attractive, alienating its own fans while alluring no new ones. Its flashy color and "sunrise" title allude that this is a take on orange juice, similar to the mediocre Mtn Dew Kickstart line, but without any of that brand's clarity.

Orange is the star here, well more of a has-been, a prosaic portrayal, and looking at the ingredients, quite literally lacking the zest of the fruit. Every exposure to this enfeebled experience leaves you wincing in pococurantism, a pint of pure insipidity who's paucity of both saccharinity and tartness is sorrowfully soporific on an early morning. But things do not end there: its nebbish effervescence disappoints as a soda yet distracts as a juice without satisfying either. Each gulp is undecided on how to interpret the word "orange," giving you two attempts tasted parallel, but who have too many discrepancies to create a concordant beverage. This alloys this awkward cross between verisimilitude and caricature while unavailing in either. It is zero calorie, so it has that going for it. And that is all it has going for it.

Each can contains: caffeine (151mg), taurine, insitol, B vitamins, ginseng, guarana, and l-carnitine. There is not much energy from this blend, lasting maybe two and a half hours, unfortunate for a sixteen ounce drink. Overall, Ultra Sunrise is a mess of half-baked ideas and unfulfilled potential. So it fits right in with the rest of the Monster line. It never sees the sunrise, instead rolling over and going back to sleep.

official site

Friday, November 28, 2014

Liquid Ice Red Energy Drink Review

A palate swap different from the brand's Blue version, Liquid Ice Red suffers all the same pitfalls. Sixteen ounce cans exist, so why am I holding an eight ounce one? The design remains nothing spectacular, a bit generic but clean and appealing, though lacking anything to have it stand out amongst its competitors.

You open the can, meet it to your lips, and start imbibing. Sweetness explodes as it splashes your tongue, a saccharinity strong but never syrupy or overwhelming. Some tartness tickling your throat as you sip, you nearly pucker but do so with a smile. There is the familiar cherry and cranberry flavors to this bubbly cooler, a spartan braiding without individualism. Its complexity is unsubstantial, but none of that really matters here. It is a guileless drink interested more in quenching your thirst than making you think. We have tasted hundreds of drinks like this, but there is a reason we keep drinking them. True, this Liquid Ice is more verdant than some, less interesting and not as refreshing. Does any of that matter? No, not really.

Each can contains: B vitamins, taurine, inositol, and eighty milligrams of caffeine. There is also 120 calories and twenty eight grams of sugar. The kick is just what you would expect, lasting no more than two hours. Its can reads "High Performance," but the the dial only ever reached the half-way point. In the end, Liquid Ice Red lacks an overall personality.

official site

Thursday, November 20, 2014

Rockstar Roasted With Almond Milk Light Vanilla Energy Coffee Review

This is an interesting drink to the right: an energy coffee with almond milk. A debut of this artifice was only a matter of time, however I must give props to the can. Rockstar nailed it out of the park with this one, especially after ugly can after ugly can, save for the sophomoric baby blue and verbose title. The text is giant but clean, with a brilliantly unique, sterile look compared to most of the line and other energy coffees.

A cascade of diaphanous brown slime pours out of the silver can, not exactly making a great first impression. The nose is less stimulated than the eyes, a scent worse than that last, bottom-of-the-pot cupful left burning on your office's burner. The flavor? Let us just say the palate is the least excited. A body as rich as tap water rushes the tastes of vanilla, coffee and almond onto our diffident tongue, complete with a dismal fattiness. It is boring in the mouth, swill stained of a matte sweetness so artificial you argue the presence of sucrose. No sip has a touch of this or a bit of that; instead a blob of languorous sameness you cannot wait to be over. What makes Ben & Jerry's ice cream so awesome is how the texture is as complex as the taste. True this is not ice cream, but you get the point.

Each can contains: B vitamins, guarana, ginseng, inositol, and 225 milligrams of caffeine. A buzz worthwhile, it lasted something near four hours with some jitters. On the whole, Rockstar Roasted With Almond Milk Light Vanilla Energy Coffee is bad. How bad? Just take my word on it.

official site

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Zest Tea Apple Cinnamon Black Energy Tea Review

I take it this variety of Zest Tea is something of a sample, considering the wild discrepancy between the Pomegranate Mojito version's transport. They cram a ton of text in too small a real estate, but then again why not? This is probably not the packaging you are gonna pick up off of a shelf, so let me stop talking here.

After seething for a few in bubbling tap water, the once crystal rain in my Lego brand mug is stained a familiar brown of any orange pekoe tea. Right off the bat one can taste the cinnamon; a slight spice freshened with the delicacies of the weaker autumn harvest. There is something sweet with each sip, an experience notably absent of any bitterness. Your palate is cleansed and refreshed by the cascade of aquatic intricacy, a balanced play so insouciant you cannot help but take another sip.

155 milligrams of caffeine is all you get, and it is all you ever need. For energy, your kick should last up to three hours, and from a sole six ounce serving, that is pretty spectacular. In the end, Zest Tea Apple Cinnamon Black is miles ahead of the already pleasant Pomegranate Mojito portrayal.

official site

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

Verve Remix Energy Drink Review

Energy drinks should not be drank by the youngsters, so why the hell is this can so childish? It looks like it should read "Kool Aid' instead of Verve. In any event, the text really struggles against the dumb baby blue in spite of the orange stroke, overall my least favorite in the line.

Despite its name, this is hardly a remix of the original variety, though a bit kinder on the tongue. There is all the orange expected, a lick fresher and smidge more realistic. No sips would be mistaken as actual juice, but it is a pretty good facsimile of the real thing. Its texture helps, fleshy and rather robust considering the omission of any fruit nectar. The sweetness achieved from the professedly picayune five grams of sugar is actually fabulous, impressively masking any stevia nastiness and helping this beverage drink like it has more than simply forty five calories. The privation of complexity begins to wear your palate as you sip however, tasting the same thing you have tasted so many times before, and often times better. Its small size helps this, but that should not be why this is only eight ounces.

Each can contains: caffeine (eighty milligrams), taurine, inositol, green tea, A, C, D, E, and several B vitamins. Its kick is about what you would expect, lasting an hour, maybe an hour and a half. On the whole, Verve Remix is better than its orange colored cousin, but not my much.

official site

Monday, October 27, 2014

Hydrive Kiwi Strawberry Energy Drink Review

Pink and black are great complementing colors here, however the belt of white text lacks any stroke and struggles to be seen. The liquid itself looks refreshing and is just colored enough to appear natural, rather than an artificial cocktail of chemicals.

The cap cracks off and the salmon dyed drink sips with more dilution than it should. Saccharinity is genial but muted, leaving the namesake flavors with little energy as they slide across your tongue. Water is the forerunner of the experience, leaving strawberry to muscle out kiwi as about the only thing you taste. The fruits lack complexity, without even any tartness or other produce nuance to keep ounces interesting. Not all is lost however, as as gulps are gulped some sweetness builds and tickles the back of your throat, stained of the weak Chinese gooseberry taste and gives things some much pined intricacy. I found melon and lime in the original version of this Hydrive, but my palate begs to differ here. Either they have been removed or my mouth's talent is ebbing with age. You be the judge of that, but as the judge of this beverage, I say skip it.

Energy from this near sixteen ounce drink is decent, lasting three hours like all of its competition. Each bottle contains taurine, B vitamins, ginseng, guarana, and 160 milligrams of caffeine. Overall, Hydrive Kiwi Strawberry is the worst offering from the company. It is not bad however, and as the brand's lowest that certainly tells you something.

official site

Sunday, October 19, 2014

NOS Charged Citrus Zero Energy Drink Review

NOS Charged Citrus was a second-rate Mtn Dew clone with the word "energy" written on it, but at least you knew its flavor just by looking at it. Thanks to the soda industry, green means "citrus" when it dyes a can, so why all the yellow and white? My bleached backdrop to shoot photos blurs into the wan background and the drab logo of this sixteen ounce beverage, and the only color is never appealing against it.

When the opaque yellow elixir hit my mouth I was like "wow, this is pretty good," but the premier sip finishes with your face wearing several shades of disgust. What commences as a promising citrus punch is quickly discovered to be a relentless exercise of corporate ennui. You taste a singular taste comprised of dampened lemon and dry grapefruit instead of an intricate braid of the flavors, a reductive experience made all the worse by a musty wateriness and chloroformed sweetness. Effervescence is crude yet impuissant, damning the tongue with coarse boredom that scratches as it is forced down your throat. Palates bruised and burned by this pint of chemicals, NOS Charged Zero disappoints.

Each can contains: B vitamins, taurine, caffeine (160 milligrams), and guarana. This booms a mainstream kick of three hours and temperate strength, and is probably the highlight here. And when a mediocre buzz is the drink's greatest strength, well, the drink is just not very good.

official site

Saturday, October 11, 2014

Vuka Think Zo-Cal Energy Drink Review

The look of the can remains fantastic: the resealable aluminum container looks and feels so different from anything else chilling in my chill chest. The argent ornamentation works wonderfully against the inviting purple color, although the "Zo-Cal" line is a useless variation of "zero calorie."

The silver cap cracks open with must hesitation, my tongue trembles with the memories of the unsatisfying Workout version most recently reviewed. My nose is excited however, a scent so alike a child's popsicle. The flavor? Not so bad, but remains a disappointment. Anemic effervescence does little to excite the flaccid flavor of pomegranate, who remains something of the lone fruit in every of the sixteen ounces. The lychee taints the palate indistinguishably, nothing more than a deadened braid of pear and red grape, torpid tastes drowned in the relentless monotony of each sip. Stevia sweetens and it is a shame is does, a saccharinity more bitter than sugary and brings an unpleasant earthiness to the experience that no one lusted for. Still, miles ahead of its "Berry Lemonade" brother, this is the Vuka to get if you are on a diet, preferably for a long time; by then, you should be used to blandness.

Each can contains: caffeine (160 milligrams), B vitamins, ginseng, and l-theanine. The energy from this energy drink is exactly like what you should expect- a three hour, jitter free buzz. All in all, Vuka Zo-Cal Think looks better than it is, with the closable metal cap and funky shaped can. Its taste and kick? Completely mediocre.

official site
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