Wednesday, February 3, 2016

Mtn Dew Kickstart Midnight Grape Review

The newest of the sixteen ounce Kickstarts, Midnight Grape's can fits right at home with its older siblings. The purple to black gradient looks pretty fantastic, however the transport's organization leaves something to be desired. The words "Mtn Dew," "Kickstart" and "Midnight Grape" are haphazardly laid about the can, leaving our eyes to piece together its name and to capture the actual flavor out of that decent chunk of text.

The flavor is smooth, with high fructose corn syrup sweetening without imbuing every imbibe with much of a gummy or sticky texture. It surely lacks the grainy nuance or heft of real, pure sugar, but with ace-k and sucralose as its sweetening partners, each sip is not as bad as you would maybe expect. There is only the slightest sourness to any given gulp, and the effervescence's dullness leaves the liquid lackadaisically lounging on the tongue. Well, many sentences in and... did we forget something? That we did, and it would be the actual taste. Grape allegedly is and when I say allegedly, I mean how the flavor dissipates into a sappy, saccharine sensation upon each splash of the purple colored concoction. Pepsico, the producers behind the brand, are no virgins to the vine-grown vegetation, making both Amp and your normal Mtn Dew grade-flavored potations. however they do so here without class, skill, or fun.

The kick to this Kickstart does not do much kicking, lasting an hour maybe, thanks to only: potassium, eighty calories and ninety milligrams of caffeine. On the whole, Mtn Dew Kickstart Midnight Grade occupies a midpoint between energy drink and soda, failing as either and as its own.

official site

Tuesday, January 26, 2016

Bing Black Energy Drink Review

Thank you local hipster grocery store, I have been looking for the phenomenal Bing's black brother for many years now. Its can is a silky black, ample red text text popping off of the background darkness. Not everything is paradise however, as there is a lot of text that drifts the can out from its sophistication and leaves you reading when you should be drinking.

The can crackles as it is cracked open, unleashing a deep, robust scent that would work in a pinch as an air freshener. First sip engulfs your palate with the sharp flavors of both blackberry and cherry, a simple five percentage of juice acting as if it was followed by a zero. Every sip is powerful, a blast of concentrated, coltish, fruity pleasure, the former of the two tastes adding a fluffy texture with its minor edge of tartness. The latter of the dyad adding an immense depth to the outer rim of every imbibe, a controlled eruption of dense complexity that collapses as you finalize each sip. You take your second gulp only to notice the lovely liquid has been washed off of your tongue, and that each succeeding swig feels like your first, a real Groundhog-day experience. Sweetness is achieved from cane sugar and sucralose, and they do a fine job here, exercising a believable weight for a drink with only forty calories. Carbonation also deserves an introduction, a hardly conspicuous effervescence that I cannot imagine the twelve ounces without.

Each can contains: caffeine (120 milligrams), ginseng, guarana, acai, flax seed, vitamin C, B vitamins, among others. The kick is the weakest link, easily, but the rest of the beverage make it worth visiting, even just once and even just for its flavor.

official site

Monday, January 18, 2016

E-ON Grapefruit Punch Energy Drink Review

E-ON Grapefruit Punch comes in a surprisingly polished can, looking very modern with its tiny grid background of silver and seemingly bare aluminum, with only a few yellow boxes of text. Its svelte twelve ounce can aids in its mission to look sleek, however it is extremely hard not only to read the words in the image to the right, but also real life. A slender stroke would have gone a long way.

A loud crack as the can opens, the aroma is striking and continues to hype up the expectations for this skinny drink. Its first sip is equally striking, an effervescent elixir transporting the eventually bitter taste of grapefruit across the palate, with a splash of lemony tartness. Initially, every imbibe is mature yet playful, a breezy rendition of the morning favorite fruit, with a slight edge of simple orange, a very welcome addition who is unfortunately comparatively dimensionless. As the syrup travels your tongue, its acerbity blazes up from the otherwise vivacious vegetation; the thirty eight grams of cane sugar appearing only to keep the acidity at bay, while the astringent flavor burns unobstructed with each sip. Its climax is welcome but underwhelming, with a dying of the acridity, leaving only a slight bluntness to the remaining sourness. E-ON Grapefruit Punch is an experience I will not soon forget, and whether or not it is any good is irrelevant; it is daring and different, and for that, I appreciate it, even if I do not like it.

Each can contains: B vitamins, taurine, guarana, and 142 milligrams of caffeine. There is also 150 calories and is three percent juice. The kick is nothing spectacular, actually it is on the verge of poor, lasting just under two hours. To end, E-ON Grapefruit Punch is unusual, and in a sea of predictability, that is refreshing. Especially when the drink itself is made by the same people who bottle the terrible and trite Tornado drinks.

official site

Sunday, January 10, 2016

No Fear Citrus Energy Drink Review

The No Fear brand's six year lacuna ends with a bright yellow color atop a familiar design. Purchased for a cool seventy five cents, one could not help but grab each of the several varieties the scrubby grocery store was selling. Its can comes with only a few modifications since we last witnessed a review, with paint blotches in the aforementioned color to brighten up otherwise state hardcore visuals.

No Fear Citrus has a super sweetness that assaults your tongue as your first sip washes over your palate. The flavor to all this sugariness is full-on lemonade, a completely candied take on the tart vegetation. Each sip is heavy on the tongue, a marvelous weight thanks to the incipiently silky saccharinity, but soon the sixty six grams breaks down into a syrupy, grainy mess, clogging and choking the throat with every imbibe. Having no fear with adding empty calories, HFCS is the culprit of the waning cassonade, the infamous declasse carbohydrate that preforms with admirable class only to depart its passion halfway through. In the end, No Fear Citrus is 100% drinkable, but it is uneven and unimpressive considering the brand's long hiatus.

Each can contains: B vitamins, taurine, inositol, caffeine (eighty milligrams per eight ounce serving), guarana, ginseng, l-carnitine, grape seed extract and l-arginine. The buzz is uninspired, lasting two and a half hours, ending with a quite nasty crash despite revving up with ease. Overall, No Fear Citrus marks the return of the company with more of a bleat than a bang.

Saturday, January 2, 2016

Joker Mad Energy Drink Review

Joker, Joker, Joker, it has been a long time. Seven years since the last review and nine since the review of this variety, if you can even call those reviews. Now exclusive to Circle-K stores like the long-forgotten GAzZU line, Joker's resurrection retains the playful spirit of the original Hansen creation with only a slight renovation of the can, standing fairly well out from the competitors on the same shelf. A two-for-three deal help, too.

Lots of vanilla and bubble attack the palate upon first swig, with a strong, nethermost taste of tart apple and some distant powdery cotton candy. The individual sapors are distinctly their own, but blend together rather well and craft that familiar flavor with a slight pace only its own. It is all very chemical, very sour and extremely sweet; HFCS and sucralose doing the sweetening for a gut-busting total of sixty four grams of the crystalline substance. Each cadaverous sip after the next reminds us that this is a generic energy drink, a cheaper version of its famous neighbors on the chill chest shelf.

Each can contains: B vitamins, taurine, ginseng, inositol, guarana, and 162 milligrams of caffeine. A anemic two-ish hour buzz is all ya get out of here, with a bit of a sugar crash afterword. All in all, Joker Mad Energy is far from the worst energy drink, far from the worst store-brand energy drink, hell it is far from the worst way you could spend your buck fifty on. But that does not make it any good.

Friday, January 1, 2016

Your Drink Sucks: The Year 2015

Another year comes more crap filling our fridges with cheap cans and boring graphics, and nasty tastes staining our palates. Was 2015 a better year than most? Read on and decide for yourself.

*these are not necessarily products that were released in 2015, but rather those that were reviewed in 2015.




Tornado Original

The resealable bottle and cheap price are highlights here; the gut-busting calorie count and disgusting flavor are those lights burnt out.






Energa Maxx Power

A ripoff with a clumsy execution, the drink likely derives its name from "enervated " rather than "energy."







Rockstar Roasted with Almond Milk Caffe Latte

The company at least thinks outside the box with their releases, a breath of air amongst all the Red Bull clones released yearly. But clever readers may have noticed I did not say the breath of air was fresh.





Red Bull Total Zero The Orange Edition

For years, fans begged the famous bull brand for more variety. They got it, and they immediately regretted it.







Verve Bold

Provided via the company for review, the pain from this disgusting disappointment would have only been augmented if actual money was spent.







Amp Zero Blueberry White Grape

No "Your Drink Sucks" list is complete without an appearance from the Amp line. Though their, what, fifth, revamp has proven more solid than any before it, this variety has no variety.






Spider Rise Again!

Suffering from design flaws on the can and an insolvent flavor, this Spider variety should be hit with some bug spray.







Arnold Palmer Drive Performance

More of a disappointment than a disaster- wait no, it is both in equal strength. Maybe fans of the Arizona's tepid tea concoctions will find something to enjoy here, but my tongue sure does not.





Venom Low Calorie Strawberry Apple

Honestly this potable was not all that bad, so why is it here? It marked a return of a mediocre-tasting line of great-looking resealable libations, in a standard pull tap can with an unremarkable taste. The original drinks did not fare particularly well against my tongue, so mark this one as disappointing and dumb.




Stewart's Impact

My lawyers, Itchy and Twitchy, seemed to enjoy this can of slime. But even at its discount price and generic origin, slime is slime, and- hey, Itchy! Twitchy! Get out of here! I am trying to do a *SLAP* .... what was that for!? What? Stewart's is my latest sponsor? Why would they- no I am not going to cheat and praise this pile of *SLAP* Ouch! Stop it! Drinkers: beware the drinkable danger found on shelves at *SLAP* LAWYERS! STOP IT!!

Friday, December 25, 2015

Rockstar Sparkling Peach Energy Drink Review

This bright orange and yellow can is nothing like any Rockstar before it. The colors dilute any potential for maturity, reducing this to a sixteen ounce kid's potation. Yet kids beware, as this has 160 milligrams of caffeine. You see, it makes neither party happy.

My nose shakes hands with a fabulous scent of the Chinese export, and our first sip is somehow better. It is completely out of left field, exposing a gentler side of Rockstar the company has never shown. The tralucent elixir sparkles coarsely, an explosion of brusque bubbles with each of the many marvelous gulps. The flavor of peach is benign yet passionate, the translucid tonic quaffs with heft and robustness rivaled only by the fruit's own flesh. Ace-k and sucralose have one of their better performances here, complementing the honest pithiness of the flavor without exhausting the taste, or aftertaste, into chemical fatigue. Tying the entire package together is a amicable acidity, a teasing tartness that taunts your tongue and encourages you to continue pounding away at the luscious limpid libation.

Each can contains: caffeine, B vitamins, taurine, l-carnitine, and inositol. For a flavor as outstanding as this, the buzz is shamefully tepid, lasting two and a half hours at most. Overall, Sparkling Peach stands above nearly every Rockstar before it. And probably after it.

official site

Thursday, December 17, 2015

Juice Monster Pipeline Punch Juice Drink Review

This former 7-Eleven exclusive is one of the company's several fruit punch varieties, however this one tosses actual juice into the mix. Its can is decidedly less dynamic than either the Mad Dog or Ballers Blend punch predecessors, an all-red attire that lacks any attitude or color variation. What you see is what you get, and what you get here is a red can.

The cracking of the can unleashes an affable aroma for its modest sixteen percentage of juice. The star of the show is guava, with lead backup performers pineapple and orange, and featuring guest vocals of passion fruit and apple. Sips predominately have a thick, grainy texture to them, thanks no doubt to the lead fruit. The armored vegetation and the citrus supply a relentlessly mild sweetness, and a touch of intricacy thanks to the respective produce's own idiosyncrasies; a certain, one-dimensional sharpness and a bright simplicity. The last two greengroceries are the best and worst portion of the experience; the purple granadilla imbuing a equivocal sense that there is more to each sip, encouraging another. The autumn harvest drinks as filler, wasted potential without euphony or reason outside bulking up the juice quantity. Things are unanticipatedly distinct here, certainly not as crepuscular as either the brand or the boring array of fruits involved in the tepid juice percentage. So what does that mean? It means Monster, you done gone good here.

Each can contains: 200 calories, forty six grams of sugar, some B vitamins, taurine, ginseng, guarana, inositol and 160 milligrams of caffeine. The buzz is not as bright as the flavor and is instead as dull as the can, lasting two and a half hours. Overall, Juice Pipeline Punch is similar to not only other drinks, but also other Monsters, but that is okay. For a drink hailed as a limited edition, it is not too shabby.

official site

Wednesday, December 9, 2015

Coyote Jamaica Energy Drink Review

Which is it, Jamaica Coyote or Coyote Jamaica? And then what about all that Spanish text in between, does that have any influence on the name? I quit thinking about it and went with what is in the title. So although the can is actually quite decent, this cognominate quandary truly hurts its appeal.

Flat effervescence greets complex tartness and syrupy sticky sweetness, all for a fairly jejune cranberry flavor. There is some nuance, a little cherry influence to this titian treat, not enough to pull away top billing from the often sauced Thanksgiving favorite, but absolutely worthy of a brief mention here. But let us return to the core of Coyote: its hefty saccharinity wears your palate down, scrubbed raw in the rufescent and diaphanous sap. Sourness is easily what to drink this for, if you must at all, but with each sip it nearly drowns in the weight of the sweetness's unexacting complexity. Every gulp had me hoping for something more, whether for how it tasted or how it felt on the tongue. I did not reach the end and recycle the can in total disgust, but the Jamaica variety is a vagabond voyage in tedium.

Aside from what we usually write here, there is 200 calories and fifty grams of sugar, all fairly standard stuff. For energy there is: taurine, caffeine, inositol, l-carnitine, ginseng, and B vitamins. Overall, Coyote Jamaica is very far from the worst ever reviewed on my site, but that does not mean I liked it.

Tuesday, December 1, 2015

Spider Rise Again! Energy Drink Review

Spider Rise Again! is the compulsatory "recovery" variety of the brand, a variety now found in most big and small brands alike. Its bright yellow can gets the point across and is fairly sharp, however there is too much text and too many fonts layered on the aluminum. Its name also does not make the most sense; there has not been a flavor called "Rise" or "fall," so how can this be "Rise Again?"

With all the writing on the can the word "strawberry" never caught my eyes, and they opened with surprise at the initial pink color of the liquid. First sip demonstrates the five percentage of lemon juice with a slight edge of an organic tartness. Otherwise that edge is dull, chipped and rusted, two grams of sugar uselessly attempting to thrill the flat flavor. The lemon in this lemonade remains exclusive to that paltry juice percentage, an experience that is in need of a lemon "ade" to help you finish the entire fifteen something ounces. Any strawberry taste loiters around the subfusc sourness, a fruit hardly noticeable yet screams for a more acidity, saccharinity and purpose. The Spider brand is littered with derivative but delectable flavors, but Rise Again is more than just creatively bankrupt, it is not deserving of the exclamation mark in its name.

The beverage's sole saving grace here is the nearly four hour long buzz, thanks to a gnarly cocktail of: caffeine (240 milligrams), taurine, B vitamins, l-carnitine, ginseng, green tea, and guarana. It is a great, smooth boost without any crash after. In the end, I did not like this Spider. Rise Again? This is the beverage that would have fallen the brand.

official site

Monday, November 23, 2015

Savage Energy Drink Review

The review no one has been waiting for, Savage's diet brother battled my palate over three years ago. The bottle is a joy to hold, heavy plastic and wonderfully resealable. Its design is not so lucky; a completely corporate and borked stab at being hardcore.

Another Red Bull clone guised as citrus, your nose closes up from the relentless pungency of chemicals and dispassion. Our first sip? Not quite as pathetic. Tepid effervescence and syrupy saccharinity conflict with every gulp, cloying the palate as it smoothly passes over. The treacle is a plodding melting pot of bubble gum, vanilla and apple, a soporific trilogy that is as passive as it is poignant. Eight ounces down, one may argue some bilked blue raspberry and con cotton candy appear with each expose to the sorghum, but why would you? Adding more jejune excuses for flavor to an already inexorably exhausted experience is no recipe for success. It overcomplicates a portentously pedestrian beverage while never making it more compelling.

A kick lasting two hours or so, there were some jitters during but no crash after. Each black bottle contains: caffeine, inositol, B vitamins, taurine, choline, and ginseng. Everything considered, Savage Energy is deplorable and inadequate even as a poor man's Red Bull.

Sunday, November 15, 2015

Energa Maxx Power Energy Drink Review

Energa was picked up at a dumpy, off course convenience store, where there was a deal going for two drinks for four dollars. Being only eight something ounces, the flavor and potency must be remarkable for that price. Its can, however, does not get the ball rolling; stock blue and red checker pattern atop a insipid aluminum backdrop, complete with an unexciting name typed in generic font.

Holy Red Bull, Batman, this is a clone! Unsurprisingly so, given the can; our first sip is clammy vanilla with medicinal tartness and a thick varnish of gooey sugariness. There is a bantam mention of apple here, a favorite in this popular rip-off flavor template, lost within the aforementioned spice taste and saccharinity. Bubble gum notes poke through in each imbibe, hardly making an impression but do briefly break the monotony. Twenty seven grams of high fructose corn syrup seals and coats the tongue and mouth in tacky lacquer of relentlessly syrupy sweetness, both of which remain even as your sip is sipped. It is hard to actually sum up a regurgitated, maudlin experience like this- wait, actually, that will do.

The kick does not provide the "Maxx Power" promised in its needlessly long name; an hour is probably all you will get here; I know that is all I got. Each can contains: B vitamins, taurine, caffeine, and inositol. To end, the beverage's website, found below, says that "if it is not Energa, it is not energy." That is a pretty good slogan. Too bad it is puffery.

official site

Saturday, November 7, 2015

Rockstar Boom Whipped Strawberry Energy Drink Review

Similar to its orange sibling, the can to this Rockstar Boom is bombastic and unfocused, tossing a myriad of text and shapes at your eyes. It is not pretty and intentionally so; the bright red captures your attention instantly, and its crazy organization does not let it go.

Strawberry milk perfumes pour out from the top of the can, reminiscent of last year's warmly received Muscle Monster variety of the same flavor. However, Rockstar takes a wildly different approach from both that and the other aforesaid Boom drink. On the tongue firstly is a thinly textured but weighted fluid, a milky mouthfeel with not enough milky taste. There is skim milk and pure cream somewhere in the long list of ingredients, but no sip convinces you of this, you instead finding yourself double-checking the backside of the can just to make sure. Next up to bat is the strawberry, tasted completely separate from the creamy artifice and lacks both a fresh tartness and honeying sweetness, the fruit unprosperously natural or candied and instead an awkward hybrid. Eventually the fruit does become something its own, maturing with a shocking level of depth despite the domesticated sourness. 280 calories for what feels like two or three drinks aimlessly stitched together, this latest extension of the brand is wonderfully chaotic and bizarre that I can only recommend for being just that.

Each can contains a ton of sugar (sixty six grams), the previously mentioned calorie count, B vitamins, milk thistle, ginseng, guarana, and 160 milligrams of caffeine. The buzz is decidedly lackluster, preforming more like a grade-school sugar rush than anything else, lasting two or so hours with one heck of a crash. In the end, Rockstar Boom Whipped Strawberry is a silly, dizzy, and irrelevant beverage that is only worth purchasing when goofiness is valued over cohesiveness, flavor, or potency.

official site

Friday, October 30, 2015

Monster Khaos Energy Juice Review

Monster Khaos was a pretty tasty drink six years back, at least that is what my review says. But its can has been stripped of its ironclad visuals and saturated in pure orange dreariness. Oh sure, there are some desultory shapes scattered in the saturated colored colorlessness, but they add clutter rather than personality. The can is also textured, but so what? It seems the entire line has some sort of coarse aluminum surface, and my fingers lost interest varieties ago.

Halcyon carbonation welcomes the tongue too much sweetness for the flavors of apple and orange. The former lacks the soup├žon of any particular variety, though the latter shines with moments of the smaller tangerine. But the fruit punch party is far from over, at least in terms of complexity: nonessential nuance of pineapple brings more sugariness to each saccharine sip, and some peach provides an unwelcome roughness to the otherwise palmy effervescence. There are probably more peripatetic produce to any given gulp, but it is hard caring with its cloying stickiness, jejune pacing, and utter absence of sourness. For thirty percent juice, it certainly do not drink that way; dear Monster, quit texturing your cans and give your drinks some texture! Khaos drinks with zero depth despite a lot going on, and is no different from Juiced Energy and ...lost 5-0 and every other energy juice from the latter half of the last decade. It is a dance not worth dancing yet danced far too many times.

The energy from this is of a simpler time, when the brand did not have quite so many varieties and the Caffeine King used smaller words. Be prepared for perhaps three hours of energy from this antiquated ingredient cocktail. Each can contains: caffeine (154 milligrams), taurine, ginseng, guarana, l-carnitine, inositol, vitamin A and B vitamins. Overall, whether Monster Khaos is any good is irrelevant; in 2015 a company should not be so stubbornly nostalgic over its own product to waste time repackaging it only to taste just as it always has.

official site

Thursday, October 22, 2015

Spider Pucker Punch Energy Drink Review

Pucker Punch is the latest flavor in this almost forgotten arachnid line of energy drinks, obviously the obligatory fruit punch variety. Its can is a bright red and fits the bill for the aforementioned flavor, but gone is the edge of the brand, the hardcore aspect is traded for its new, luminous coat of paint.

A zero percentage of juice matters none in the flavor to this new Spider variety; vibrant sweetness, a bold cocktail of vegetation, and yes, a puckering tartness. Cherry, lime, and tangerine are the forerunners of every sip, a potent opening trilogy blended almost seamlessly with no one fruit taking command. Pineapple and guava are flavors enviously tampered and tasted a notch below, a duet that brings the depth expected from any good fruit punch. Saccharinity needs to be addressed; there is (only) thirty grams of the sweet stuff to sweeten the stuff, leaving sucralose to pick up any slack. It does, the two do their job with enough pizzazz and without any syrupy or artificial bite. Overall, Pucker Punch fails to reinvent the wheel, but it did not set out to. Instead, this is a mid-calorie, tasty punch made better by its ninety nine cent price tag.

Each can contains: 120 calories, taurine, l-carnitine, ginseng, guarana, green tea, and 240 milligrams of caffeine. That last part really tickles my innards, crafting a three and a half hour buzz almost unheard of for a reduced calorie drink. In the end, Spider Pucker Punch's potency, inexpensiveness, and pleasant flavor forgive its mediocre appearance.

official site
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