Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Bawls Guarana Orange Review

Bawls is back with another soft drink-inspired flavor, this time orange and the second one after their estimable root beer variety. Its glass bottle continues to feel fabulous in the palm, heavy but grips well with its studded circumference. It is a cleaner design than most, the clear glass cruet allows for the phosphorescent liquid to tell your eyes the flavor without the need of much text.

Sweetness is king in this ten ounce offering, a strong saccharinity never syrupy despite its high fructose corn syrup purity. Perhaps what destroys any slimy texture is the rough effervescence; it is of the curtest carbonation, waking up your tongue and perfectly setting the stage for its flavor. That flavor is orange of course, a relentless imitation of the fruit, each splash of the unyielding liquid painting palates with citrus unsulliedness. Depth is disregarded for a greater citrus concentration, each sip tasting the same as the last and the one upcoming. A tempered tartness eases none of the flavor exclusivity, an experience ignorant of those who thirst for something more diverse as their potation of choice. Doesn't sound like you? Yeah, it doesn't sound like me either.

Guarana, sixty four milligrams of caffeine and thirty three grams of sugar is all we get from this pop, but for the likes of Mtn Dew and Surge drinkers, that is enough. To end, Bawls Guarana Orange's simplicity is meritable, but will not change the opinion of those who do not reach for Sunkist or Fanta from the cooler.

official site

Tuesday, February 24, 2015

Kaffn8 Liquid Caffeine Review

Although I can applaud the plastic for being conveniently clear, that rectangular sticker leaves a whole lot to be desired. "Kaffn8" is clever but confusing, and its slogan "Simply. Caffeine." should read "Simple. Caffeine." For all the real estate that creamy yellow label offers, our eyes are bored with too much text, inconsistently underlined, italicized, and boldfaced. Particularly, that fiscal savings declaration should be removed; this is packaging, not an advertisement.

Oodles of potables were exposed to both a forth and a half ounce of Kaffn8, and cipher of the myriad of mixtures proved bitter. From seventy five milligrams to twice that, this caffeinated liquor successfully converted everything from orange juice to several popular "diet" colas into some sorta sleeper energy drinks. Though only a fraction of an ounce, frequently a sip is needed to prevent the chemical concoction from pooling onto the rim of the soda can, and that is most certainly not good eats, er, drinks. Recommended is synthesizing the two in a tall glass, not only to circumvent the aforementioned but also for the promise of a more absolute blending. Among the more imaginative pairings included coffee, who's own astringency masked the product's own. Several servings of name-brand raisin bran and one percent milk was among the more creative pick-me-ups attempted, and it is a shame there is few breakfast soups to further these unbridled experiments.

Each ounce contains 300 milligrams of the good stuff, so each consumer controls their caffeinated destiny. It is a shame there is nothing else in each 240 milliliter canteen, perhaps a variety loaded with all the usual supplement suspects to more directly combat the energy drink market? In any event, you should not judge Kaffn8 by its cover, or rather container.

official site

Monday, February 16, 2015

NRG MicroShot Review

The rounded bottom of this shot's tube prevents the shot from conveniently standing like its competition, and forces a piece of plastic to wrap the drink with a text sodden card. A flat scrap of paper and a cylindrical container do not mix, as the sheet of plastic proved too loose to keep the two together, whether in my pocket or from the factory to my mailbox.

A sugar and caffeine free chaser rests in hand as taste-bud insurance. Surprisingly scented strongly of the spiced autumn-favorite, my first sip renders my former trepidation moot. The thick brown syrup explodes potently of warm apple, its almost grainy thickness thanks to the unanticipatedly coarse sweetness. Only the slightest bit tart, the seasoned savor of the ofttimes harvested fruit is robust yet uncomplicated. A concentrated solution of granular saccharinity and persuasive flavor, this is a pretty tasty energy shot.

"As much caffeine as a cup of coffee" is the official quantity of my namesake chemical, an amount too vague and generically stated. I have read "120 milligrams" on the interweb, but you should take everything you read online with a grain of salt. Other ingredients to thank for this two hour buzz include: B vitamins, taurine, n-acetyl, and l-tyrosine. On the whole, NRG MicroShot needs a revamped packaging and clearer supplement facts to match its palatable flavor.

official site

Sunday, February 8, 2015

Caution Arizona RX Energy Drink Review

Ninety nine cents is too low to criticize this eleven and a half ounce can from Arizona, the company not the state. It is a lot of yellow and some blue and black, with a little red for color, but the whole "caution tape" artifice is unduly underutilized and ultimately underwhelming. What "RX" means is beyond my caring, but it is inclusions like that that keep this beverage from looking as good as it should, or at least, could.

This thick potion contains ten percent of many juices, all sterilized into a pedestrian pulp of desolate and dense dimensionlessness. Imagine a punch between mango, lemon and lime, but abduct all authenticity and neuter any playfulness. The ingredient list argues even more fruits frolic here, however each gulp is childish without the fun and all of any depth is forgotten in the libation's wanton nescience. Some sucralose and thirty seven grams of sugar, predominately HFCS, sweeten with unforeseen restraint, but the trade off is a discomposing syrupiness who's saving grace is the product's small sub-sixteen size. Orange blossom honey is probably the best thing about this slender elixir, giving every sip a mature bitterness that softly escalates the experience out of its otherwise dejected puerility.

Each can contains: taurine, caffeine (144 milligrams) l-carnitine, ginseng, inositol, guarana, B vitamins, milk thistle and 150 calories. The kick is quite decent considering the quality of the rest of the drink, lasting about two hours, perhaps two and a half. In the end, the name is right: you should approach Caution Arizona RX with plenty of caution.

official site

Saturday, January 31, 2015

Mtn Dew Kickstart Pineapple Orange Mango Review

For the Mtn Dew Kickstart line's plural of new flavors, we lose four ounces in favor of a new coconut water gimmick. How that will affect the taste and kick is yet to be discovered, but we can discuss how the new direction influences the can design. Its brighter color scheme is implicative of the line's breakfast origins, a cheery look that nevertheless disappoints after the edgier Cherry and Lime varieties.

Curt carbonation is rough so early on palates, a sterile cocktail mostly of mango and orange. Every splash submerges you in an experience of equal proportion, a binary braid braided so perfectly you never see the seams stitching the two tastes together. But it is a feeble flavor who takes zero chances with depth or complexity, no rogue nuances or ambagious pulpiness. Little of the namesake pineapple tangos with the predominate fruits, the prudent produce adds only some tartness to the otherwise prosaic punch. High fructose corn syrup sweetens but no sip is syrupy, maybe it is the juice or perhaps the breviloquent effervescence. Whatever the case, never does a mouthful feel like its can should read Mtn Dew. White grape and coconut water provide the trumpeted ten percent of nectar, but your palate is only ever reminded when your eyes read the herald fact.

Each can contains: caffeine (sixty eight milligrams), vitamin C and B vitamins. For those health conscious, add sixty calories from fourteen grams of sugar. The kick is without a doubt the weakest link here, lasting less than an hour. Dear Mtn Dew, that is definitely not the "right about of kick." But to be fair, the Kickstart line has never gotten that right.

official site

Friday, January 23, 2015

Coyote Mango Energy Drink Review

Spanish Monster? No, it is just Coyote, although its can is not too shabby for Job Lot store shelves. A touch generic but easy on the eyes for something with this quantity of text, although there should be more emphasis on both the brand and flavor.

There is much respect to the foreign fruit with every sip. No carbonation has gulps more refreshing than any drink clearanced at seventy cents should be. Meekly sweet with cane sugar has sips so creditable you can feel the fruit's flesh in your mouth and juices dribble down your chin. The body is too thin here, however, with no pulpy texture that certainly distracts from an otherwise fantastic sixteen ounces. Tart, kind and honest with stout believability, Coyote Mango is a smarter tasting energy drink than it should be.

Each can contains: caffeine, taurine, ginseng, inositol, B vitamins, and l-carnitine. The buzz lasts an ineluctably unspectacular two and a half hours. Overall, Coyote Mango's outrageous taste cancels out its generic can and kick.

official site

Thursday, January 15, 2015

Verve Bold Energy Drink Review

Verve Bold's can is quite playful considering its black background, but that juxtaposition works to its favor. Text is sparse and there is never much going on, yet it lacks any dead space; a demonstration of dynamite design. But the size, eight ounces, is still too small.

The muted odors of bubble gum and vitamins flood from the can, your mouth cowers and your eyes water. But what splashes our tongues is not quite that, but not quite much else. Lost deep in every sip are bereft nuances of tangerine and peach, a pair hastily cobbled together into a barren eidolon of the fruits, flavors rough around the edges if you could even taste them. There is some funky vitamin hints corrupting every gulp, however the green tea's trivial bitterness provides some adequate distraction. Then there is the sweetness, as in how there is not much of any! Xylitol, cane sugar, and stevia do their worst here, a nonfunctional trilogy that are simply words on the can. They pervert an already discomposed and dissatisfactory drink into a more reasonless experience. I am always most fortunate when samples are supplied for review, but damn am I unlucky this time.

120 milligrams of caffeine must be what makes this so "bold," but it alas is a misprint, as the correct spelling is "boring." The kick is nothing special being so small, lasting an hour and a half. Other ingredients include: taurine, d-ribose, inositol, B vitamins, and others. On the whole, Verve Bold is not very good. It is actually pretty darn bad.

official site

Wednesday, January 7, 2015

Tornado Original Energy Drink Review

Tornado Original comes with an awesome resealable top, a shrinkwrapped bottle with a black label sporting minimal text. The little tornado graphic is cute but that is as far as the brand runs with the theme, settling for empty space and generic red "swooshes."

After the satisfying tear of the closable cap, Tornado goes down hill faster than any in recent memory. Sixty four grams of real sugar cloy and disgust like high fructose corn syrup does, sticking to the palate a glue saturated of medicinal apple, gummy bubble gum, and sticky vanilla. The trashy triune tumbles through the sickly sweet sorghum ungracefully, its apathetic effervescence only stalling the already slow and shoddy experience. Tying the terrifying troika together is its tiring tartness, the kind of overwhelming and uncomplementary acidity only ever achieved by accident. Every sip is a bacchanalian of inordinateness, a regurgitation of all that has ever been bad about an energy drink's taste.

Every bottle contains: B vitamins, taurine, and 142 milligrams of caffeine. Your reward for stuffing the unsightly sixteen ounces down is a middling buzz, the kind of kick that lasts only two hours. Overall, I once saw a movie where Bill Paxton chased tornadoes. What does that have to do with Tornado Original? They both suck.

Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Your Drink Sucks 2014 Edition

Whether they were sent from the company, discount store finds, or full-priced convenience store dwellers, it seems no company was immune from releasing bad beverages this year.

*these are not necessarily products that were released in 2014, but rather those that were reviewed in 2014.




Vuka Workout Zo-Cal

A mediocre drink when sweetened with actual sugar, Stevia truly taints the brand's solid pedestrian reputation.









Loop Zero

An inferior generic take on the second-rate Monster Zero Ultra, it dilutes an already watery flavor and fluxes on more water. A pointless aberration of a pointless beverage, moving on.








AMP Gold

The company's Dale Jr. Sour flavor almost edged this autumn-inspired catastrophe off the list, but just take my word on this: just avoid the line all-together.








Rockstar Sugar Free

Pure Zero Mango Orange Passion Fruit almost snagged this spot, but that drink at least had 240 milligrams of caffeine. With its highlight its uninspired 160 mg-powered buzz, Rockstar Sugar Free is a stale revision of a relic of the early last decade.







Hansen's Diet Energy Diet Red

I almost did not included this drink due to just how silly it is! Eight ounces?! "Diet" in its name twice?! Red Bull clone?! Still?! It is 2014 Hansen's, get your act together.









Stewart's Sugar Free Impact

Like the mini mart's crap beer in the neighboring chill-chest, there is simply no room in the world for waste like this.









Wired Strawberry Lemonade Energy Drink

What really stings here is the caffeine content: less than 100 milligrams and it is sixteen ounces! That would not be a problem if the rest of the drink was decent- no, wait, it is piteous and that is putting it mildly.






AJ's Rush Energy Sugar Free

Hello AJ's Energy Rush Sugar Free, are you the worst drink reviewed in 2014? No, well, given how relentlessly inadequate you are, I am really concerned about number one.








aquadopa

There are acquired tastes, like beer, dark chocolate and coffee. Then there is retched abominations where you would have pay a great sum of cash to get someone to finish a can with a smile on their face. Aquadopa, I do not care if your company supplied samples for free. This drink sucks and there is no other opinion.


Tuesday, December 30, 2014

Moxie Recharge Tea/Lemonade Energy Drink Review

Out of nowhere comes a new Moxie variety, a brand long thought to be abeyant. However their return is in the unfortunate form of those "rehab" drinks popularized by its more common competitors. Here the synonym is recharge and its can is the compulsory black with ample suggestions of yellow. It is not ugly, but the personality of the brand is not as edgy as the can believes it is.

A capricious departure from the "recovery" genus of beverages, 260 calories rock your tongue with all the sugar your waist does not need. Even more surprising is its carbonation, another trademark absence in the genre. Drinking as an energy drink should, each sip has terrific weight, an effervescent puddle of gooey saccharinity and tart lemony goodness. Your lips furrow with felicity from all the sour sweetness, each gulp cloying and clogging your throat but you pound away anyway at the can with a huge smile. Tea is inappropriately given top billing on the can, present in none of the sixteen ounces. Okay, maybe there is some aftertaste tinted of the black leaves, but an Arnold Palmer this is not. It is better.

B and C vitamins, taurine, inositol, caffeine, and gentian root come in each can, along with sixty two grams of sugar and the aforementioned calorie count. Energy is basic but functional, lasting two and a half hours, maybe three. With all that sugar there definitely is a bit of a crash after. With all said and done, Moxie Recharge is a breath of fresh air in the "hydration" market, though its peculiarities are likely to disunite consumers.

Monday, December 22, 2014

X-Mode Energy Shot Review

Not unlike Kymera Freakish Energy, X-Mode is a bulk energy shot in the tradition of a boxed wine. These are always interesting products to experience, and although its packaging explains its artifice succinctly, neither its name nor corrugated cardboard are exciting. Maybe "X-Mode" is the state of mind after imbibing X-Mode, but that is not a question you should be asking yourself with such a condensed caffeinated product.

The fluid has a thick smell, warm but with deep suggestions of black cherry layered over the anticipated maraschino. However its flavor is full-on candy, a super-sweet syrup with only a little bit of tartness but absolutely no bitterness. That last part should put you palate at ease, and you can sip nonchalantly without the absinthian anxiety of every early energy shot. Yet its flavor is depthless, a cursory exercise where each sip is the same as the last. That matters none with your first few gulps, but you can only plow so far through the 100 ounce carton before you yen for intricacy. The solution lies in mixing, having the transpicuous lavender liquid socialize with a variety of sodas. Two thirds a bottle goes unnoticed fused with a famous lemon-lime pop, influencing only the color of the formerly xanthous elixir, and I suppose other seltzers stir in equally anonymously. Overall, X-Mode's flavor gets a thumbs up not for its flavor, but for its absence of bitterness. With energy shots, I am afraid that is how it works.

What is my name? Caffeine King, sometimes with "the" in front, so what do I care about here? Each ounce has 150 milligrams of the aforementioned alkaloid- so forget about the taurine, B vitamins, and other stuff additionally found inside. I had two servings, crafting a nearly five hour rush of twitchy energy, a decidedly old-school buzz that crashed somewhat after. In the end, X-Mode's packaging is surprisingly plebeian, but what is inside tastes okay and is pretty damn potent. It is one of those products that progressively gets better.

official site

Sunday, December 14, 2014

Go Energy Gummies Review

This attempt at sophistication, or minimalism, or whatever style this is, comes off glacial and uninteresting. Silver and white fail to craft an inviting satchel, and its generic text complete its bromidic presentation. The wrapper is unimpressive even on the palm, flimsy and feels as if it would sunder if tossed in my backpack or back pocket. Energy gummies, by definition, are fun, so this packaging should be fun too.

The bleached baggie has a duet of deep purplish red parallelograms who peel out with terrific surprise, two shaped blocks of sugar considerably more dramatic than what they ship in. Their unanticipated size leads to an initial ambisinistrous mouthfeel however, but unleash your inner kid and embrace the massive mouthful. The Tyrian flesh has a brilliant texture, stiff and coarse at first chew but melting into an epicurean pool of obese nectar at the gentle warmth of your breath. What is its taste? Tartish blueberry with perhaps some grape or even blue raspberry, but it is hard to tell and that is sorta the point. You do not go tearing a bag of Haribo gummy-whatever looking for depth. But there is another reason for the inexact flavor: even the supremacy of saccharose cannot control the chemical burn of 100 milligrams of caffeine each candy contains. An impressive amount yes, but one cannot help wishing for a bigger size to offset the slight bitterness.

In addition to all that caffeine, we have six grams of sugar, some B and C vitamins, taurine, and carnitine. And remember, that is per gummy. The kick was pretty fabulous, hitting hard and fast, lasting three and a half, if not four, hours. On the whole, Go Energy Gummies' strength and predominately decent flavor almost outweigh its bitterness and unemotional packaging.

official site

Saturday, December 6, 2014

Monster Ultra Sunrise Energy Drink Review

Bright without being playful, the can to this unknowingly divulgated Monster is silly and very far from attractive, alienating its own fans while alluring no new ones. Its flashy color and "sunrise" title allude that this is a take on orange juice, similar to the mediocre Mtn Dew Kickstart line, but without any of that brand's clarity.

Orange is the star here, well more of a has-been, a prosaic portrayal, and looking at the ingredients, quite literally lacking the zest of the fruit. Every exposure to this enfeebled experience leaves you wincing in pococurantism, a pint of pure insipidity who's paucity of both saccharinity and tartness is sorrowfully soporific on an early morning. But things do not end there: its nebbish effervescence disappoints as a soda yet distracts as a juice without satisfying either. Each gulp is undecided on how to interpret the word "orange," giving you two attempts tasted parallel, but who have too many discrepancies to create a concordant beverage. This alloys this awkward cross between verisimilitude and caricature while unavailing in either. It is zero calorie, so it has that going for it. And that is all it has going for it.

Each can contains: caffeine (151mg), taurine, insitol, B vitamins, ginseng, guarana, and l-carnitine. There is not much energy from this blend, lasting maybe two and a half hours, unfortunate for a sixteen ounce drink. Overall, Ultra Sunrise is a mess of half-baked ideas and unfulfilled potential. So it fits right in with the rest of the Monster line. It never sees the sunrise, instead rolling over and going back to sleep.

official site

Friday, November 28, 2014

Liquid Ice Red Energy Drink Review

A palate swap different from the brand's Blue version, Liquid Ice Red suffers all the same pitfalls. Sixteen ounce cans exist, so why am I holding an eight ounce one? The design remains nothing spectacular, a bit generic but clean and appealing, though lacking anything to have it stand out amongst its competitors.

You open the can, meet it to your lips, and start imbibing. Sweetness explodes as it splashes your tongue, a saccharinity strong but never syrupy or overwhelming. Some tartness tickling your throat as you sip, you nearly pucker but do so with a smile. There is the familiar cherry and cranberry flavors to this bubbly cooler, a spartan braiding without individualism. Its complexity is unsubstantial, but none of that really matters here. It is a guileless drink interested more in quenching your thirst than making you think. We have tasted hundreds of drinks like this, but there is a reason we keep drinking them. True, this Liquid Ice is more verdant than some, less interesting and not as refreshing. Does any of that matter? No, not really.

Each can contains: B vitamins, taurine, inositol, and eighty milligrams of caffeine. There is also 120 calories and twenty eight grams of sugar. The kick is just what you would expect, lasting no more than two hours. Its can reads "High Performance," but the the dial only ever reached the half-way point. In the end, Liquid Ice Red lacks an overall personality.

official site

Thursday, November 20, 2014

Rockstar Roasted With Almond Milk Light Vanilla Energy Coffee Review

This is an interesting drink to the right: an energy coffee with almond milk. A debut of this artifice was only a matter of time, however I must give props to the can. Rockstar nailed it out of the park with this one, especially after ugly can after ugly can, save for the sophomoric baby blue and verbose title. The text is giant but clean, with a brilliantly unique, sterile look compared to most of the line and other energy coffees.

A cascade of diaphanous brown slime pours out of the silver can, not exactly making a great first impression. The nose is less stimulated than the eyes, a scent worse than that last, bottom-of-the-pot cupful left burning on your office's burner. The flavor? Let us just say the palate is the least excited. A body as rich as tap water rushes the tastes of vanilla, coffee and almond onto our diffident tongue, complete with a dismal fattiness. It is boring in the mouth, swill stained of a matte sweetness so artificial you argue the presence of sucrose. No sip has a touch of this or a bit of that; instead a blob of languorous sameness you cannot wait to be over. What makes Ben & Jerry's ice cream so awesome is how the texture is as complex as the taste. True this is not ice cream, but you get the point.

Each can contains: B vitamins, guarana, ginseng, inositol, and 225 milligrams of caffeine. A buzz worthwhile, it lasted something near four hours with some jitters. On the whole, Rockstar Roasted With Almond Milk Light Vanilla Energy Coffee is bad. How bad? Just take my word on it.

official site
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