Monday, November 23, 2015

Savage Energy Drink Review

The review no one has been waiting for, Savage's diet brother battled my palate over three years ago. The bottle is a joy to hold, heavy plastic and wonderfully resealable. Its design is not so lucky; a completely corporate and borked stab at being hardcore.

Another Red Bull clone guised as citrus, your nose closes up from the relentless pungency of chemicals and dispassion. Our first sip? Not quite as pathetic. Tepid effervescence and syrupy saccharinity conflict with every gulp, cloying the palate as it smoothly passes over. The treacle is a plodding melting pot of bubble gum, vanilla and apple, a soporific trilogy that is as passive as it is poignant. Eight ounces down, one may argue some bilked blue raspberry and con cotton candy appear with each expose to the sorghum, but why would you? Adding more jejune excuses for flavor to an already inexorably exhausted experience is no recipe for success. It overcomplicates a portentously pedestrian beverage while never making it more compelling.

A kick lasting two hours or so, there were some jitters during but no crash after. Each black bottle contains: caffeine, inositol, B vitamins, taurine, choline, and ginseng. Everything considered, Savage Energy is deplorable and inadequate even as a poor man's Red Bull.

Sunday, November 15, 2015

Energa Maxx Power Energy Drink Review

Energa was picked up at a dumpy, off course convenience store, where there was a deal going for two drinks for four dollars. Being only eight something ounces, the flavor and potency must be remarkable for that price. Its can, however, does not get the ball rolling; stock blue and red checker pattern atop a insipid aluminum backdrop, complete with an unexciting name typed in generic font.

Holy Red Bull, Batman, this is a clone! Unsurprisingly so, given the can; our first sip is clammy vanilla with medicinal tartness and a thick varnish of gooey sugariness. There is a bantam mention of apple here, a favorite in this popular rip-off flavor template, lost within the aforementioned spice taste and saccharinity. Bubble gum notes poke through in each imbibe, hardly making an impression but do briefly break the monotony. Twenty seven grams of high fructose corn syrup seals and coats the tongue and mouth in tacky lacquer of relentlessly syrupy sweetness, both of which remain even as your sip is sipped. It is hard to actually sum up a regurgitated, maudlin experience like this- wait, actually, that will do.

The kick does not provide the "Maxx Power" promised in its needlessly long name; an hour is probably all you will get here; I know that is all I got. Each can contains: B vitamins, taurine, caffeine, and inositol. To end, the beverage's website, found below, says that "if it is not Energa, it is not energy." That is a pretty good slogan. Too bad it is puffery.

official site

Saturday, November 7, 2015

Rockstar Boom Whipped Strawberry Energy Drink Review

Similar to its orange sibling, the can to this Rockstar Boom is bombastic and unfocused, tossing a myriad of text and shapes at your eyes. It is not pretty and intentionally so; the bright red captures your attention instantly, and its crazy organization does not let it go.

Strawberry milk perfumes pour out from the top of the can, reminiscent of last year's warmly received Muscle Monster variety of the same flavor. However, Rockstar takes a wildly different approach from both that and the other aforesaid Boom drink. On the tongue firstly is a thinly textured but weighted fluid, a milky mouthfeel with not enough milky taste. There is skim milk and pure cream somewhere in the long list of ingredients, but no sip convinces you of this, you instead finding yourself double-checking the backside of the can just to make sure. Next up to bat is the strawberry, tasted completely separate from the creamy artifice and lacks both a fresh tartness and honeying sweetness, the fruit unprosperously natural or candied and instead an awkward hybrid. Eventually the fruit does become something its own, maturing with a shocking level of depth despite the domesticated sourness. 280 calories for what feels like two or three drinks aimlessly stitched together, this latest extension of the brand is wonderfully chaotic and bizarre that I can only recommend for being just that.

Each can contains a ton of sugar (sixty six grams), the previously mentioned calorie count, B vitamins, milk thistle, ginseng, guarana, and 160 milligrams of caffeine. The buzz is decidedly lackluster, preforming more like a grade-school sugar rush than anything else, lasting two or so hours with one heck of a crash. In the end, Rockstar Boom Whipped Strawberry is a silly, dizzy, and irrelevant beverage that is only worth purchasing when goofiness is valued over cohesiveness, flavor, or potency.

official site

Friday, October 30, 2015

Monster Khaos Energy Juice Review

Monster Khaos was a pretty tasty drink six years back, at least that is what my review says. But its can has been stripped of its ironclad visuals and saturated in pure orange dreariness. Oh sure, there are some desultory shapes scattered in the saturated colored colorlessness, but they add clutter rather than personality. The can is also textured, but so what? It seems the entire line has some sort of coarse aluminum surface, and my fingers lost interest varieties ago.

Halcyon carbonation welcomes the tongue too much sweetness for the flavors of apple and orange. The former lacks the soup├žon of any particular variety, though the latter shines with moments of the smaller tangerine. But the fruit punch party is far from over, at least in terms of complexity: nonessential nuance of pineapple brings more sugariness to each saccharine sip, and some peach provides an unwelcome roughness to the otherwise palmy effervescence. There are probably more peripatetic produce to any given gulp, but it is hard caring with its cloying stickiness, jejune pacing, and utter absence of sourness. For thirty percent juice, it certainly do not drink that way; dear Monster, quit texturing your cans and give your drinks some texture! Khaos drinks with zero depth despite a lot going on, and is no different from Juiced Energy and ...lost 5-0 and every other energy juice from the latter half of the last decade. It is a dance not worth dancing yet danced far too many times.

The energy from this is of a simpler time, when the brand did not have quite so many varieties and the Caffeine King used smaller words. Be prepared for perhaps three hours of energy from this antiquated ingredient cocktail. Each can contains: caffeine (154 milligrams), taurine, ginseng, guarana, l-carnitine, inositol, vitamin A and B vitamins. Overall, whether Monster Khaos is any good is irrelevant; in 2015 a company should not be so stubbornly nostalgic over its own product to waste time repackaging it only to taste just as it always has.

official site

Thursday, October 22, 2015

Spider Pucker Punch Energy Drink Review

Pucker Punch is the latest flavor in this almost forgotten arachnid line of energy drinks, obviously the obligatory fruit punch variety. Its can is a bright red and fits the bill for the aforementioned flavor, but gone is the edge of the brand, the hardcore aspect is traded for its new, luminous coat of paint.

A zero percentage of juice matters none in the flavor to this new Spider variety; vibrant sweetness, a bold cocktail of vegetation, and yes, a puckering tartness. Cherry, lime, and tangerine are the forerunners of every sip, a potent opening trilogy blended almost seamlessly with no one fruit taking command. Pineapple and guava are flavors enviously tampered and tasted a notch below, a duet that brings the depth expected from any good fruit punch. Saccharinity needs to be addressed; there is (only) thirty grams of the sweet stuff to sweeten the stuff, leaving sucralose to pick up any slack. It does, the two do their job with enough pizzazz and without any syrupy or artificial bite. Overall, Pucker Punch fails to reinvent the wheel, but it did not set out to. Instead, this is a mid-calorie, tasty punch made better by its ninety nine cent price tag.

Each can contains: 120 calories, taurine, l-carnitine, ginseng, guarana, green tea, and 240 milligrams of caffeine. That last part really tickles my innards, crafting a three and a half hour buzz almost unheard of for a reduced calorie drink. In the end, Spider Pucker Punch's potency, inexpensiveness, and pleasant flavor forgive its mediocre appearance.

official site

Wednesday, October 14, 2015

AMP Passion Fruit Energy Drink Review

AMP is a line that seems to be reinvented every day, but that typically only extends to a slight change in ingredients and a fresh coat of paint on the can. What we have here is completely new for the line: a passion fruit themed cooler. It comes in an almost sexy black transport, with sharp purple and white accents. It falters though when you toss the golden yellow into the mix, as well as the grotesque graphics of the vegetation.

A pungent aroma, a very NOS-inspired scent pours from the freshly gaped can, and similar flavor as well splashes onto your tongue. It is refreshingly sweet and slenderly sour, unanticipatedy smooth sipping with a lathering, not prickly or sticky, texture. The passion fruit flavor is potent and explodes across your palate at every sip, never to expose its shadowy depth, an experience absent of the refined perniciousness the sapor resembles after the opening discharge. Every imbibe is heavy and rich despite its simplicity, with only the dimmest subtleties of kiwi and pear to be found. However the distressing employment of HFCS causes the once couth mouthfeel to gum-up in the second half of the sixteen ounces, removing the much lauded maturity found in the first segment. Overall, AMP Passion Fruit's taste is a mixed bag, its unbridled commitment to one thing, only to then jump ship for the opposite, creates a beverage too inharmonic to merely praise the good moments, even though they are very good moments.

Each can contains: caffeine (157 milligrams), B vitamins, guarana, taurine, and ginseng. The kick is trifling for the size and price paid, offering only two hours worth of energy. In the end, AMP Passion Fruit is so close to being better than it ends up being. That is, clumsy and dissonant.

official site

Tuesday, October 6, 2015

Rockstar Boom Whipped Orange Energy Drink Review

This bright aluminum transport pops off of the shelves, with its orange to yellow gradient and attention-grabbing font. It is cluttered, that is for sure, but its asymmetrical and no-holds appearance helps it stand out amongst the myriad of other similarly-colored cans.

Everything is equally sweet and tart, a vaguely milky orange taste that is as dry as it is dimensionless. There is not one sip that fills you with wonder; its sixty four grams of sugar is too saccharine for the underdeveloped creamy artifice, your sherbet expectations are shattered at first gulp. Real orange juice, well, all two percent of it, only carries the beverage so far, and the unenthusiastic quantity of skim milk and cream provides only the obscurest of fatty texture to this lightly carbonated potable. It is a flat, puerile experience that misses its rather interesting, if gimmicky, target by a most disappointing mile.

Each can contains: taurine, caffeine (160 milligrams), inositol, milk thistle, ginseng, guarana, B vitamins and 260 calories. For all the empty carbohydrates, there is not as much of the white bitter stimulant as I would have hoped, resulting in a two and a half hour long buzz, with something of a crash afterward. To end, Rockstar Boom Whipped Orange is a big-named novelty energy drink that fails to deliver on its kitsch premise.

official site

Monday, September 28, 2015

Arizona Caution Fruit Punch Energy Drink Review

Another Cation drink from Arizona, this time Fruit Punch. Its can is silly despite the "extreme" plastered across and the "RX" logo, several ounces too small and many grams of caffeine too low.

The scent has a thick organic edge, a pungent aroma that burns through the otherwise stale fruit punch perfume. It does not taste much better; a dense texture that crawls across your palate as you gulp. The vitrified twelve ounces are dominated by strawberry and pear, a musty blend lacking both the verisimilitude or the sweetness to be either a natural or a candied, respectively, take on the fruit punch sobriquet. Pineapple and cherry add depth to to each sip, protracted savors lacking refinement, but serendipitously give each mouthful the illusion of nuance. HFCS leave behind a slippery syrupy film as you swallow, and obese and unpleasant slime rich in an abridged aftertaste of this disappointing Arizona potable.

Each can contains: some B vitamins, taurine, caffeine (115 milligrams), inositol, guarana, ginseng, l-carnitine, and milk thistle. The buzz is pretty petty, lasting an hour and a half and is of unspectacular strength. Overall, take the "caution" in the name as a warning.

official site

Sunday, September 20, 2015

Snap Infusion Supercandy Caramel Review

Does this qualify as an energy product? It claims to "energize," but if anything caffeine free in the past has taught us it is that packaging will say anything to move from shelves. The albino sachet is even enervated, with no sense of momentum or, dare I say, energy. Its is wordy with nothing to say, and still comes off confusing.

The creators must have been "cuckoo for Coco Puffs," as that is what these chewy candies taste most like. Real chocolate? It is present, but lost in the caramel and coffee nuance, of these dozen or so subfuscous centered confectionary pimples of molten sugar and vitamins. The calm warmth of your mouth soon intenerates the gooey treat as it sticks to your teeth, a dessert pool of surprisingly tasty treats that ends too soon. Take note companies, one ounce is not enough for candy.

There are plenty of vitamins here, with electrolytes and antioxidants, but no caffeine. Thusly the "energize" moniker on the pouch is crap. Any energy you ask? Well, no, not really, but it should hold my sweet tooth over until snack time. Believe me, these do not taste bad, but that does not matter. A pleasant taste does not make up for its enigmatic purpose.

Saturday, September 12, 2015

Stacker 2 Enraged Raspberry Review

For a raspberry drink, there is too much focus on other colors, namely the gross gold. The baby blue never reminds me of its suggested flavor and is inappropriately childish for anything with caffeine. The the original was untidied and ugly can, but one with something of a personality. Now it is a bit more organized, but is completely generic.

The ice-pop stable interpretation of raspberry is present here but splashes the tongue with more restraint than it should. It is only slightly sweet and even less tart, concocting this maladroit but wholly humdrum hybrid between a child's sweetmeat and the actual fruit. My tongue declared some cranberry suggestions, an anemic note who's presence provides distraction instead of depth. Some metallic staining perverts the water of each gulp, an ugly underbelly to the vitreous blue nectar. The subsequent layer almost resembles cotton candy if not for the deadened saccharinity, an ambiguous taste that ends every sip with an almost powdery bite. Its lack of commitment is a shame, especially considering how unvaried the raspberry behaves during the perfunctory eight ounces.

Each can contains: 112 calories, B vitamins, taurine, caffeine and inositol. You are lucky to get an hour and a half buzz out of this puny potable, a kick as potent as Sanka. Overall, Stacker 2 Enraged Raspberry has caffeine and is drinkable. Those are about the only things it gets right.

official site

Friday, September 4, 2015

Fruit Punch LIFE Energy Drink Review

There are many problems here; twelve ounces is four too small and the bare silver of the naked aluminum has no style. Plus, "Let It Fly Energy" is uselessly acronymed with glaring red dots that blur into the red belt below and fruit adjacent. Nevertheless, the can here is more confident and sophisticated than it has any right to be, with plenty of clean lines and ample sharp edges; sightly but never worth thinking about.

Sugar free with Stevia and sucralose, a bitter scent only makes the refreshing, if ill-defined, fruit punch all the more surprising and genial. Is there citrus? How about strawberry? Raspberry? Any berry? A quick glance at the can renders my description moot; you see the fruits, so why should I type 'em? But only the tongue can discover how balanced they are, sweetness simulating the vegetation's own saccharinity wonderfully. Carbonation is numb and every sip is stiff and almost a challenge; a negative or a positive? Well, neither, but it certainly is interesting to drink.

Each can contains: B vitamins, caffeine, ginseng, vitamin C, and some others. The buzz was unexciting, lasting an hour and a half, maybe two, though without jitters or crash afterword. In the end, LIFE Fruit Punch Energy is tasty but unmemorable.

Thursday, August 27, 2015

Amp Zero Blueberry White Grape Energy Drink Review

The albino can is packed with text but remains fairly easy to read and on the eyes, however some nip and trimming could go a long way. It is unoffensive but fails to create a sense of energy, its tall transport and "energy" prompt telling the consumer what it is instead of the design.

Much of the many sips of this sixteen ounce offering is steeped in artificial sweetness, a chemical flavor that washes away much of any real flavor. The flavor is of course blueberry and white grape, the former completely one-dimensional and is equally as false as the saccharinity it is predominately veiled by. The latter of the namesake taste gives only a dry, powdery tartness to every imbibe, a much welcome breath of idiosyncrasy to the otherwise stagnant experience, however sedated it is. The carbonation is dull as the beverages boringly slides across your palate, a sober experience that is everything wrong with diet energy drinks.

Each can contains: ten calories, B vitamins, guarana, taurine, ginseng and 157 milligrams of caffeine. The buzz is a dated two hours long, the kick a relic of the energy drink market infancy. Overall, Amp Zero Blueberry White Grape is no where near as interesting as it should have been.

official site

Wednesday, August 19, 2015

Rockstar Lime Freeze Energy Drink Review

The florescent green backdrop and white electric swirl detail jumps off of the shelf more so than most, and keeps the eyes flowing from the brand to the flavor to the ounces effortlessly. That is not to say the can is flawless, because it is not. The secondary color of the logo blends into the background, and the name "Lime Freeze" does not need to be explained further by big black "Frozen Lime" text.

For the flavor, expect a pale imitation of the company's superannuated Punched Citrus variety of years past; drown in the bathetic lime and tiresome tartness itself tired. The fruit tastes without legitimacy, a breathtakingly unalacritous impersonation with a most tacky texture and onerous saccharinity. Each sip coats your mouth in agglutinative aridity, a gooey sap that makes every sip a Sisyphean struggle; a bromidic battle through the amaranthine saccharinity of sixty two grams of sugar and the invariably paced sixteen ounces. And even after each of every injudicious and jejune gulp is shoved down your throat, your saliva stained in the incessant staleness. I typically am biased towards lime flavored energy drinks, but does this Rockstar ever disappoint.

For all the sugar and 280 calories, we get only 160 milligrams of caffeine. This formulates an underwhelming three hours kick, jittery and ending with one hell of a crash. There is also: taurine, guarana, inositol, ginseng, and milk thistle. On the whole, Rockstar Lime Freeze is an unworthy addition to a line almost exclusively of unworthy additions.

official site

Tuesday, August 11, 2015

Stewart's Impact Energy Drink Review

My lawyers Itchy and Twitchy present bad news: ratings are down and sponsors are reconsidering. Why? They profess my exploitation of English has them spending more time buried in dictionaries than on my site. They tell me that I must use simpler sentences and shorter words. That should not be so difficult- I mean hard. The drink today is Stewart's Impact, brought to us in a, um, small can that is more soda or beer than energy drink. Was that good, guys? Just okay, well, I should get the hang of this eventually- I mean soon.

So here is the enemy roll call: we have blah bubble gum, syrupy sweetness, apathetic- I mean boring, apple flavors, and vanilla vanilla. What do you mean? It is wordplay; vanilla means spartan... Spartan means simple. Well, yes I could just say "simple"- never mind. Without surprise, the text painting the can lies; citrus this is not and Red Bull this wants to be. Sips are obese and obnoxious- you know what those words means, right lawyers? Complexity is tossed out immediately, favoring instead injudicious silliness, that means imprudent- no, not what "silliness" means- and no, not the stuff that is good for digestion! Damn, is this really what people like reading? Anyway, that is all for the taste- what do you mean I did not compare it to Red Bull or Monster?! Who cares! I already said it is a ripoff of the former! Yes, the former is reference to Red Bull. Fine, if you are a die hard fan of either drink, then why are you reading this review? There are hundreds of similar drinks on every store shelf to sate your obtuse tastes!

For energy we have a 218 milligram blend of: taurine, ginseng, inositol, guarana, caffeine- what do you mean readers do not care about ingredients? They just want to know if it is stronger than Monster or Red Bull? It is not a fair comparison, considering the size differences- yes I know Red Bull comes in twelve ounce cans but- no, I am not spending four bucks just for this review! If people are looking to save money, drink coffee. Or get a higher paying job. I hear McDonald's is hiring *SLAP* ... sorry Itchy, I forgot your night shifts. Overall, and lawyers please cover your eyes: Stewart's Impact is an ambisinistrous prostitution of pricey potations who's zealots should be enough educated to know I am lampooning- *SLAP* ... lawyers, I told you to keep your eyes shut! Twitchy, what are you doing?! Don't you dare open a can!

Monday, August 3, 2015

Mtn Dew Kickstart Strawberry Kiwi Review

Strawberry Kiwi is the second of the coconut water-containing Mtn Dew Kickstarts, a smaller can sold for the same price due to the aforementioned artifice and slightly higher juice content. The design is unexciting however, the red and white complementing each other nicely, but ultimately filled with too much text written at too many incongruous angles.

Aroma-wise, it is fantastic; really pushing the verisimilitude of the meager juice content. Surprisingly this extends to the flavor as well, tasting predominately of the strawberry but dominating without remorse. Kiwi is but text on the can, never influencing any of the sips and wasting space on the aluminum transport of this twelve ounce beverage. Its magisterial sapor is bereft of the depth needed to keep palates stimulated for the entire experience, despite its undiluted focus on the sole harvest. With its fourteen grams of sugar and synthetic sweetener blend of sucralose and ace-k, the taste wisely mimics the fruit instead of some candy-store impersonation; its sweetness simply could not handle any other interpretation of the flavor. Coconut water gives the few final sips a slight gooey texture and sour savor, especially unpleasant if the drink warms by then.

Each can contains only: caffeine (sixty eight milligrams), B vitamins, and vitamin C. For a flavor so focused on one taste, it is a shame the kick does not have the same level of dedication; a buzz lasting around an hour. Overall, Mtn Dew Kickstart Strawberry Kiwi hardly kicks and lacks any kiwi.

official site
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