Friday, April 18, 2014

Hydrive Grape Fusion Energy Drink Review

Kinder to the eyes than it originally was, Hydrive Grape Fusion loves purple and is fortunately fantastic draped in the color. Black is well complemented, as is the white, and at a quick glance you can gather all the information you need.

Imitation grape splashes the tongue with an assault of artificial sugars, nonconfrontartional counterfeits that lack the juicy depth of real grapes and the fullness of natural saccharinity. A fusion this is not, we taste only the cloying allegation that is only mistaken for the fruit by one virginal to it. A nonportentous beverage where sips are less interesting than licks to a child's ice-pop, this Hydrive remake mistakes dimensionlessness for succinctness; words easier to spell than this is to relish.

We gather 160 milligrams of caffeine, some taurine and B vitamins from the sixteen ounces. That crafts a kick three hours long, of sufficing, rather than triumphant, strength. To end, Hydrive Grape Fusion is a non-carbonated energy water, only not as decent as that sounds.

official site

Thursday, April 10, 2014

Sin Thirst Sin Maca & Rose Energy Drink Review

A worthy trip to my local Big Lots unveiled several new energy drinks, including two in this Sin Thirst Sin line. The faded pink fails to liven the colorless can, a small eight ounce transport uninteresting with an abstruse name.

Pinch your nose as you sip; this is one mephitic beverage. Only the brave will stand the scent, but everyone will enjoy the balanced fusion of subtle lemon and strawberry, spiced with ginger and spiked with sweetness. Caressing carbonation confirms swift depletion of the single serving, complementing the soft flavors with synthetic sugars who never breath in any chemical nastiness. A delicate exercise in sophistication, Sin Thirst Sin Maca & Rose is a drink unlike many others, and very much worth the fifty cents paid.

Each can has B vitamins, caffeine, horny goat weed, guarana, and vitamin c, among others. There is not much energy here, something like an hour or so long of a weak buzz. My pork sword never escaped its sheath either, although the Misses knows that phenomenon all too well. Overall, Sin Thirst Sin Maca & Rose desperately needs a clearer image and greater potency to ever preform contently in the market. As in, there is a reason this was at Big Lots.

official site

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Mtn Dew Kickstart Black Cherry Review

The crayon maroon color complements the black, working particularly well with the gradient. The red is bright and creamy but much too adolescent for the aggressive design.

Inviting perfumes lead to the sweet bliss of black cherry, a flavor startlingly balanced and enjoyable from the Mtn Dew company. The beverage's trivial juice content of five percent is from the bulking white grape, and there is even the infamous HFCS that turns soda into syrup. None of that matters here; every sip is emotionally sweet for only all the right reasons, candying a brusk fruit into an innocently surfaced experience, complete with the delicate depth of a tart underbelly. This is an honest energy drink, as complicated but considerably more sophisticated than you would ever expect from the brand.

Eighty calories and ninety two milligrams of caffeine are contained in the sixteen ounce transport, skimpy enough of food energy but flaccid when it comes to a buzz. A stronger pop than energy drink and occupies a awkward place between the two, Mtn Dew Black Cherry Kickstart never really starts kicking.

official site

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Loop Zero Energy Drink Review

The achromatized can here is has no shame in this store brand paraphrase of certain Monster and Rockstar varieties. The uninspired and etiolated design is not too shabby for K-Mart however, a business today something of a poorer's-man's Wal Mart. But I am going on a limb hailing this as "Loop Zero," as the only text new here is the haloing 'zero calories... zero sugar.' You know you have a great drink when it does not even have a proper name!

Cracking open a can unleashes a mendaciously violent effervescence, dulled to a uninteresting crawl with our first sip. The flavor is, wait, do I need to tell you?! A page or two short of a chapter taken from Monster's book, grapefruit flavors are jejune and the nubilous citruses cocktail is fatigued. Presented with zero flair on the palate, the inert fruits are less exotic than water, and only serve the purpose of tediously peeving the niggardly drinker. The handful of change saved probably taste better than this.

Each can contains: caffeine (160 milligrams), B vitamins, ginseng, inositol, and taurine. Here we have a kick as generic as the rest of the experience, lasting two and a half hours. Now, I am not saying you should be drinking Monster Zero Ultra, or even Rockstar Pure Zero, but steer very clear of Loop Zero (or what ever it is really called).

Monday, March 17, 2014

energems Mint Energy Chocolate Review

The matte green is not for the better, overwhelming eyes with pastel grossness. The product's self illustration does not make your mouth water, despite that its promise of mint and chocolate is principally attractive.

Half-dollar sized gems tumble out of the cardboard. Crunching in breaths fresh mint taste to the vaguely creaming chocolate center, never quite silky with a thousand candy coating shards swimming inside. The carton is resealable but you will never require such a luxury; a run-of-the-mill sweetmeat translates to a terrific bitterless energy candy.

Three pieces has seventy five milligrams of caffeine, providing a three hour long buzz when you inevitably consume the entire pack. Each serving contains taurine and B vitamins additionally. On the whole, energems Mint runs a few miles ahead of its decent pure chocolate sibling.

official site 

Sunday, March 9, 2014

Hydrive Lemon Lime Rush Energy Drink Review

The chartreuse liquid is a bit off-putting, but the label's black background is slimming and studious. Dotted gradients are interesting to the eye, and the brand's logo is brilliantly easy to read, but its thick green belt makes the white text inside difficult to read without any stroke.

We have powdery citrus scents escaping with the twist-off cap removed, piquant and succinct; it is a shame our first sip is not as impressive. Unlike any Hydrives before it, the trademark lack of effervescence has every gulp gloating its watery blandness not unlike Gatorade, which is a real problem in an experience so goddamn boring. Lemon and lime are present of course, but the maddeningly deaf tastes pass the tongue without any realistic edge or tartness. Sucralose and sucrose sweeten things poorly, forcing us to suffer chugging roughly sixteen uncarbonated ounces of despondency.

Each bottle contains: caffeine (160 milligrams) and B vitamins, with magnesium and potassium. Any energy declines sharply after two and a half, perhaps three hours, a kick average in strength. Overall, Hydrive Lemon Lime Rush's disappointing taste drags down its otherwise decent quality.

official site

Saturday, March 1, 2014

Hawaiian Ola Noni Energy Shot Review

The intensely clean color palate is quite something against all the tenebrous bottles on the energy shot shelves today. But what exactly does one call this? Noni Energy? Hawaiian Noni energy? How about Organic Hawaiian Ola Noni Energy? When a consumer really has to think about what the product in their palms is called, you are doing something wrong.

Though the pungent pheromones of earth pour out with an easy twist of the cap, the unappealingly brown fluid is surprisingly easy to drink. Each sip is thick with an organic personality that is such fresh air to a critic so accustomed to chemicals and artificiality. Things are a fruity cocktail, with everything from the namesake noni to mango to pineapple influencing the two and a half ounce experience. Green tea's coarse bitterness makes each sip something to ponder, a foreign tango of intricate tastes that persuades one into drinking leisurely while always confirming another. Unlike many energy shots, a chaser is entirely extraneous here, although the twelve grams of sugar may have had something to do with that.

Each bottle contains: B vitamins, yerba mate and green tea, and a caffeine content of 150 milligrams. The kick lasted three hours without a crash after. To end, Hawaiian Ola Noni Energy Shot tastes and preforms the part, but the name issues are hard to ignore or forgive.

official site

Friday, February 21, 2014

Muscle Monster Strawberry Energy Shake Review

Too red and never really a pleasure to look at, this new Strawberry variety divulgated without fanfare. Neither the company website nor any of its social networks make any mention of this flavor, although there are plenty of useful photos of inadequately clothed women and motorbikes.

It smells like elementary school, only without the crayon odor and just the stench of strawberry milk. The flavor is enough identical to the pink dairy drink of many childhoods, thicker and perhaps only something less saccharine. Every sip inspires memories of that sugar strawberry mix that mutated otherwise healthy milk into a calorie bomb. A flavor no adult should enjoy, but those feeling nostalgic can consume this without embarrassment.

The kick lasts the average two and a half hours, although this does curb one's appetite more so than your typical energy drink. Each can contains: caffeine (158 milligrams), taurine, ginseng, B vitamins, calcium, potassium, and protein. In general, Muscle Monster Strawberry's novel flavor retards the line's thin practicality.

official site

Thursday, February 13, 2014

Sinister Original Energy Drink Review

This crackling can leaves quite a bit of dead space for such a "sinister" drink. Too much room is dedicated to the banal bright blue up top, and both fonts suffer from opposite misfortunes. The actual name of the drink is infamously problematic to read (there was a long time where the first 'i' read 't'), and the rest of the text lacks any creativity and is wildly generic.

Is this a Red Bull clone? Not quite, but it certainly is not very good. 260 calories breaks your wasteline in a drink ever too sweet, tasting of blue raspberries and cotton candy. The fruit has vague blueberry nuance in a feeble attempt at depth, but nothing in any sip ever resembles nature; hell, even real cotton candy is not this saccharine! But the velvety carbonation stimulates large gulps against all reason; I sat here repulsed at the sugar vulgarity only to finish the can expeditiously, lusting another. Guilty pleasure? This certainly fits the bill.

Each can contains: taurine, ginseng, B vitamins and 159 milligrams of caffeine. The kick lasted around two hours, littered with jitters and one heck of an old school crash.

official site

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

energems Chocolate Energy Candy Review

Smaller than your standard pack of cigarettes and maybe a pinch heavier, the box to energems Chocolate throws a lot of information your way while remaining easy to read. The grey text pops off of the black with ease and style, and the red belts provide great contrast. Its name "energems" is clever, but takes a few tries to nail the pronunciation.

Roughly consonant to the size on the box, these dull gems sport a few blemishes and are more hexagonal than perfectly round. The flavor is sweet, bitter only briefly with the pungent chocolate potency of Bosco Syrup straight. The shell crunches breezily, shards melting into the energized center, probably adding more sugar to the taste. Three candies is a serving, with seventy five milligrams of caffeine, and although the flavor is no gourmet chocolate, the nine or so a box is far from a challenge.

Each three candies also contains: taurine, B vitamins, L-theanine, among others. The buzz from a trilogy of gems is dissatisfying, lasting south of an hour, but an entire box fares better; lasting just under three. All in all, energems Chocolate is a neat little energy candy that is always good but never great.

official site 

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Pompis Primo Energy Drink Review

Where does one even begin? The can is bright, that is for sure, but the name "Pompis" is questionable and stupid, written with confusion but without flair. We can surmise that this is the "Primo" variety, but that means nothing to anyone outside the now defunct company.

Citrus scents pour out of the opened can, dry and influenced chemically. Then we sip; lime is most noted, tart and powdery with just enough sweetness to keep you from puckering. The green fruit is the star of the beverage, with melon and lemon most forgettable supporting actors. The former adds only minor and trite character to the experience, although its citrus anagram offers a little more, something of a softer fruitiness. Sixteen ounces of blissful simplicity, Pompis Primo is a cheap, clearanced thrill.

Every can contains: caffeine, taurine, B vitamins, and inositol. Any buzz lasted three hours, a little too jittery for comfort but ended without any crash. Overall, buy this Pompis for its novelty and flavor if you can get the chance.

Monday, January 20, 2014

Mtn Dew Kickstart Limeade Review

A fresh coat of paint truly livens this design, even when the basics remains identical. The lone gradient is awesome, as is the complementing color scheme, giving things a darker, cooler feel. This is a much edgier piece of aluminum than its ancestors, although limeade is even further astray from breakfast than was fruit punch.

Sips are powerfully effervescent, pleasant but playing almost too roughly. They splash the tongue with the tart taste of lime, a hint of artificiality beneath its sweetness. The can hails the inclusion of electrolytes are for taste, but they do not seem to add anything to the experience. Resembling your traditional Mtn Dew considerably more than its predecessors, less saccharine and a heck of a lot less syrupy with a slightly more substantial mouthfeel. This is a more mature, almost craft soda take on the famous citrus pop, only not as good as it should be.

As much an energy drink as its parent brand is, the ninety two milligrams of caffeine never feels like enough. The weak kick harks way back to the company's infamous MDX days, as does the taste and, well, everything else, with about as much overall appeal.

Sunday, January 12, 2014

AJ's Rush Energy Sugar Free Review

These reviews require much more motivation to write then they deserve; sugar free variants of awful energy drinks. This time it is AJ's Rush Sugar Free, an expensive twelve ounce beverage sporting a decidedly retro can who's naked aluminum dominance should be distressing. It is not, actually, I kinda like it.

Each flat sip soaks the palate with the synthetically sweet taste of hard tap water, full of all sorts of faint funky and offsetting nuances. The typical suspects are principally absent, flavors like apple and vanilla, and even the compulsory gummy mouthfeel is proscribed from an experience who could really use some character. The nutrition facts lists carbonated water but my tongue tells otherwise, every mouthful painfully listless. Without flavor or effervescence, AJ's Rush Sugar Free is essentially canned caffeinated water.

Each twelve ounces contains: taurine, inositol, caffeine, and B vitamins. The buzz is mediocre but lacks the sugar crash present in the original. In all, AJ's Rush Energy Sugar Free is twice as good as the sugared version, but you know what two times zero is.

official site

Saturday, January 4, 2014

Bullet Energy Drink Review

2014 is in full effect, yet we start the new year off with a crap Red Bull wannabe leftover from the energy drink stone age. Bullet debuts in an appropriate "bullet" can, a tiny eight ounces painted blue with little flair or personality. Sure, the crosshair is a nice touch, but everyone knows you cannot spell "bullet" without "Bull." Red Bull that is.

This odoriferous beverage is equally foul on the tongue, gummy and sticky to sip with the horrendous tastes of vanilla and apple who will overwhelm any drinker. There is minimal sourness but instead super sweetness, with the ordinarily petite eight ounces proving too much. If anything, Bullet does finish cleanly, perhaps with some sweetness left on the palate, but that is where the positives begin and end.

Each can contains: B vitamins, taurine, 120 calories, and seventy nine milligrams of caffeine. If you have any experience with energy drinks, you know how this poor potation preforms; an hour or so long kick of pathetic strength, but at least without a crash. Altogether, this is everything wrong with Red Bull clones in one small package; ugly, disgusting, and weak.

official site

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

Your Drink Sucks: 2013

With an industry losing interest in your classic energy drink, the favor towards these "waters" and "coffees" are flooding store shelves with premature catastrophes. Although there were still some plain-ol' energy drinks reviewed that more than deserve mention here, you will find most are garbage, non-effervescent, diet, natural... "energy" beverages. They probably should just sell most in Draino bottles, because they are gonna end up in the same place.

*these are not necessarily products that were released in 2013, but rather those that were reviewed in 2013.


AJ's Rush

In the year 2013, Red Bull clones are inexcusable, especially bad ones.








Xenergy + Hydration Grape

Xenergy, a once proud company with unprecedented edge, has softened into a mess of missed opportunities, which would be fine if the drinks were still good. Xenergy + Hydration Grape is not good.






Swing Juice Orange Mango

Usually, products end up on this annual list primarily due to flavor, but this beverage is a shining example of how something can fail so hard in every way.







AreoShot Lime

Here we have stupidity masquerading as inventiveness and revolution, a stale and downright repulsive experience who's flavor burns almost as much as its $2.69 price tag.






Sports Bean Assorted

These are neither energy products nor candy products; and you had better get at least one right if you are trying for two.







Starbucks Low Calories Iced Coffee

Broken glass; that is the noise of Starbucks hitting rock bottom. And oh look, this just happens to come in a glass bottle...







Mtn Dew Kickstart Fruit Punch

Something could suffer from stupidity and still be successful, but this drink is only successfully stupid.







Feel Raspberry Lemonade

You know a drink is bad when it is only ten and a half ounces and still a struggle to finish. This is one such drink.








Archer Farms Sugar Free Grapefruit

Redundant, repetitive, repulsive, and ridiculous. That 'bout sums this drink up.







Rip It Sting-eR-Mo Sugar Free

The last crap energy drink of the year, this Rip It variety is shamefully shameful.









H10O Women Tropical Energy

This segregationist soft drink was probably the hardest to write the review for, considering press-on nails make it difficult to type. The worst drink of 2013? It just may be.



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