Red Bull The Summer Edition Curuba Elderflower Energy Drink Review

Judging from all the pollen crusting all the buildings and cars nearby, Red Bull's "The Summer Edition" for 2024 is a few months early. But that is OK; though I am disenfranchised with their namesake product, their season spin-offs, even when generally unpleasant, remain interesting. This time the purported produces are curuba and elderflower, fruits so unusual my spell-check yells that they are not even words! Perhaps my computer is just uncultured swine!?

Upon cracking open the twelve ounce can, the bizarre scent of apple and bubble gum pours out. It is, interesting, to say the least. Flavor-wise, sips earthy, like a mouthful-of-soil earthy, but at least it is fresh soil, no worms here. Combating that, there is a sourness that would make a lemon blush and a sweetness that could cause candy to become green with envy. The purported curuba and elderflower impressions are unconvincing, rendered here tasting more like the common Granny Smith apple, tangerine and pineapple than anything the average person would have to Google. It is not bad though! The juxtaposition of dirty herbal funk and complete confection means that each imbibe is a fascinating adventure in idiosyncrasy, the company throwing mainstream appeal out the window and going-for-broke, even if it does end up tasting, well, broken.

The paltry 114 milligrams of caffeine means I sit and wait for a buzz that ultimately never comes; the mild lift experienced is just enough to sate one's chemical addiction, but only just. Overall, if I could only use one word to describe Red Bull The Summer Edition Curuba Elderflower, it would not be "good" or "bad" or even "OK;" it would be "weird."

company site

Mtn Dew Kickstart Watermelon Review

This slender, bright green can has text screaming in from many different angles, almost all different fonts, sizes, and with varying levels of importance. Some text is bold, some italicized, but hardly any is necessary, words tossed about the can like a kid learning how to use Microsoft Paint.

First sip is grotesquely sour, a mossy acidity rather unpleasant with the potation's high fructose corn syrup, ace-k and sucralose saccharinity. Its flavor is less the soft, carefree nature of the melon, and inspired most by the Jolly Rancher rendition of the fleshy fruit, twelve ounces with any gentle depth removed. Instead, the candied interpretation lacks the weight of the sugar needed, the fifteen grams used proving too little, particularly with the burn of synthetic honey; this gaucherie potable is liquid candy without the candy sweetness. The petite beverage seems to drag, and no matter how many gulps I choked down, there always seemed to be many more left in the can. Years ago, Pepsi proved that they did not know how to make a tasty watermelon drink, and this year, they showed that they still do not know how.

Sixty eight milligrams of caffeine, and several varying amounts of B vitamins and vitamin C. The buzz is banausic, lasting less than an hour, and acting more like your typical Mtn Dew and an "energizing" beverage. On the whole, this Watermelon Kickstart did not have much promise yet somehow, turned out to be worse.

company site

G Fuel Mortal Kombat 11 Ice Shatter Energy Drink Review

Despite parents' intentions, kids will play Mortal Kombat. It's "M" rating only keeps honest people honest, which makes their G Fuel energy drink spinoff all the more difficult to wrap my head around. It is true that better role models for children have had their own potent potable (Bob Ross, Sonic The Hedgehog, etc.,), but there is a danger inherent in what they are doing here, and I am not sure that the energy drink market is ready for that responsibility.

The flavor here is pretty good, considering there is 300 milligrams of caffeine and a host of peculiar supplements to mask. It is blue raspberry to its most candied effect, so much so you would swear your teeth are rotting with every imbibe. Of course, all we have is the standard sucralose and ace-k, but they inhabit the essence of honest sugar, no doubt aided exponentially by the acidity, which here is strong and unrelenting. It is an ever-familiar experience of canned confection, one that every reader here has had a sip or two of. You gulp and you gulp but never does the drink depart from this domestic destination, and that is just during this hot and humid months. As you lap up the liquid, there is a certain sense of satisfaction from a decent balance of sweet and tart. What does any of this have to do with Mortal Kombat? Beats me.

Potency remains the brand's most notable characteristic, a three and a half hour long kick that hits just all the right notes. It is neither a jittery one nor end with a crash, capturing exactly what one wants from a modern-day energy drink. Overall, G Fuel Mortal Kombat 11 Ice Shatter does not, a-hem, shatter expectations.

company site

Java Monster Irish Crème Energy Coffee Review

Of all the potent potables to be remade, Java Monster Irish Blend, reviewed here back in the blissfully ignorant days in the year 2010, was not one I ever expected. In fact, I honestly forgot that product existed. Yet here we are with their latest offering, Irish Crème. See, totally different.

The can hits all the right notes, the green working well with the visual wood grain texture and the refreshing dearth of unnecessary text.

How this is any different, flavor-wise, is a mystery but I do not really care, because this is surprisingly tasty. I do wish we had more coffee, since, you know, that is what this masquerades as, but for a caffeinated canned milkshake, you could do a lot worse, even from Monster themselves. Mouthfuls are caked in a most luxurious fattiness, like sipping on melted ice cream, with remote notes of cocoa and cinnamon amongst a more consistent abundance of vanilla. There is a most faded mention of actual java, something I always wish these things were less afraid of highlighting, but what slight roasty-toasty goodness and bitterness is here works as a sort of supporting character to the rest. Considering this is an Irish cream (oh sorry, crème), I welcome that there was no attempt to shoehorn some false alcoholic flavor into the otherwise palatable potent potation, but as ounces fall from the aluminum walls and onto my eager tongue, the more the experience becomes one-note. Just sweetened cream by the end, the aforesaid spice and chocolate nuances lost inside a sea of sugar, glucose and sucralose. And fat, my golly is thing beginning to feel like gulping on liquid butter.

The 200 milligrams of caffeine is enough to sate my morning needs. The buzz is a nice two and half hour long one, nothing unusual here. Other ingredients include B vitamins, taurine, ginseng, the works. Overall, Java Monster Irish Crème is better than the sum of its parts.

company site

Rowdy Chiseled Ice Energy Drink Review

"Chiseled Ice" is a fabulously loony suggested flavor, but the can does not seem to understand its potential. What I imagine is a six-pack muscle on some frozen sculpture; instead we get text on a white background. It is so boring! Aside from some stylized wording, design elements just sit there. It is too verbose to achieve the minimalist look it so desperately desires.

What could this taste like, vanilla maybe? That is what I thought, and I am still not entire sure I was wrong. What we have here is a classic example of the vague citrus, mostly lemon but its forgotten in a sea of misty sourness. Raspberry can be found lurking in the tartness, but it amounts to nothing in the grand scheme of the potation. That is not a bad thing, but the experience is so one dimensional that you sip with a mission to find something else going on, and there is not. The most creative thing here is its mouthfeel, which has a sort of creamy texture with a carbonation that would not be amiss in an energy coffee, had this any actual cream mind you. Is it vanilla? I do not know, and frankly I am not interested in figuring it out.

160 milligrams of caffeine provides a satisfying but expected kick, lasting almost three hours. Other ingredients include several vitamins, electrolytes and others. In the end, Rowdy Chiseled Ice needed something that I cannot place my tongue on, but as of now it is incomplete.

company site

Celsius Arctic Vide Energy Drink Review

Celsius is one of those long-running energy drinks that you are always surprised to see pumping out new products. I have reviewed these drinks for over the last decade, never walking away terribly impressed, but today's "Arctic Vibe" variety does sport a better can than they historically offered. (I mean, just look at their Apple Orchard drink!) There is still waay too much text, but the color scheme is attractive, and there is a sense of forward momentum as my eyes dart about.

"Sparkling Frozen Berry Edition" claims the can, but what the hell does that mean? It means this is your basic berry beverage, predominately blue raspberry with a bit of grape, a flavor profile lifted directly from the far superior Rockstar Zero Carb. What makes that drink better? For starters, the sourness succumbs to the synthetic sweetener sucralose, only able to jolt the experience with the necessary acidity the first moment the liquid crashes down on your tongue. From then on, the mouthful is just sweet, the tartness killed without a funeral in its honor. Then there is the "sparkling" moniker, which is a lie if I have ever heard one. Effervescence is muted, the thousands if not millions of bubbles only gently pounding your palate; it is far too tame for such a description!

We are still dealing with the accusation that this will burn calories, which sure, I am not familiar with the science behind it, but I will buy it. If that is the case however, why aren't more products like this? Anyway, the buzz, thanks to a cool 200 milligrams of caffeine, lasts a solid three hours easy. Additional ingredients taurine, vitamins, ginger, guarana, and others. On the whole, Celsius Arctic Vibe is not vibin'.

company site

Sprecher Charged Lemonade Original Energy Drink Review

The can is a weird one, a naked aluminum can with its label stickered on, all while sporting some astonishingly low-rent (and res) images of lemons. It is so wild that, when first spotted at my local dollar store, I thought this was some cheap canned juice instead of an energy drink- oh I am sorry, I meant "caffeinated sparkling drink."

It has been a long time since a straight-up lemonade, let alone one using caloric sugars, has graced The Caffeine King, and yet Sprecher's failings has nothing to do with its respect to the citrus and absolutely everything to do with the absolute dearth of a proper effervescence. When I see the word "sparkling," I expect a carbonation to punch my palate through my teeth, damaging my roots and all, and yet this is about as still an experience as your grandma's pitcher of freshly squeezed lemonade. That is a shame not only because of the broken promises, but also because the actual flavor is fabulous! Now, I am a pushover for flavors like this, but the presence of real juice concentrate brings a level of freshness to every sip, while the use of high fructose corn syrup, and all its syrupiness, helps add a certain innocence to things, like something a child would sip on on the hottest day of the year. It is just such a shame the bubbles are as leaden as, well, actual lead.

All we get is 140 milligrams of caffeine, which is, I dunno, fine, I suppose. I wish there was something here a little stronger to help curb off all the empty calories, and resulting sugar rush, but actually, it does not matter. It is not like it would have staved off the mediocrity.

company site