Red Bull The Pink Edition Energy Drink Review

Look at Red Bull, getting into the Valentine's Day spirit! But now should consumers expect a spring, summer, winter AND, er, romance variety? Or is this a one-off like the company's "Blue Edition?" Eh, it probably does not matter. The can is standard fare, looking like any other Red Bull, only bright pink in color. How erotic.

There is little in the way of smell radiating from the twelve ounce metal transport, and the taste is equally lethargic. "Wild Berry" is the alleged flavor and my tongue searches for but to no avail; someone had the "W" in "wild" turned upside down here. A severely saccharine strawberry starts things off but is immediately replaced by a tangy blend of raspberry and blueberry, though the experience is hardly about what this tastes like. No, this potent potable is about texture; how it feels as the bright hued elixir washes across your palate, rotting your teeth as it soon finds a permanent place on your hips. The best thing here is the acidity, which tickles my tongue and curls my lips, able to stand up against the thirty eight grams of sugar and glucose. Mouthfuls thusly become an exercise in "sweet and sour," where both argue for dominance and, ultimately, tartness reigns supreme. Thank the heart-shaped-chocolate heavens.

Oh how I wish the buzz was a bit stronger; this does not exactly look or taste the best, so we have to blindly hope for a killer kick. Oh well, the 114 milligrams of caffeine is enough to satisfy my morning cravings, but that is about all it satiates.

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Celsius Essentials Blue Crush Energy Drink Review

According to the interwebs, this is not "Celsius Live Fit," despite how the can reads, or even "Celsius Live Fit Essentials." It is instead just "Celsius Essentials." See kids, this is why you should not have superfluous text all over your design.

And we have a lot of design here, thanks to the tall sixteen ounce metal transport, and despite the occasional swoosh in either white, blue or silver, it is just words, words and more words. Oh wait- no never mind, that is just more words. And none of them seem to explain how this is any different from the brand's earlier blue raspberry potent potable.

A crack of the can and the liquid within these thin aluminum walls almost geysered out all over my desk; would somebody please think of my cheap plastic writing surface! First sip is a lot less enjoyable then the initial effervescent explosion would suggest, the elixir landing on my tongue with minimal bubbles, becoming a still experience almost immediately, and no, this can is not expired (I checked). And I would not have that much of a problem with that, but the package here reads "sparkling." What a misdemeanor! The flavor is blue raspberry at least, but the sucralose and ace-k used here lack the verisimilitude to drive home the impression that this is anything but a diet soft drink and not, in fact, well, anything else. Candy, fruit, something- this is a sugar free energy drink and damn it, that is what it tastes like. And that is a shame, because the poor, lone piece of make-believe produce lacks the complexity required to properly sustain the entire pound of product on offer today. It has all the personality of confections but without the mouthfeel to back up that impersonation, the synthetic honeys instead adding a chemical climax that lingers a bit too long. It is drinkable, yes, but only just.

The 270 milligrams of caffeine here is impressive and does the job, with a three and a half plus hour long buzz resulting, I sat back in my chair, thinking to myself "was it worth it?" The flavor really is not all that good, the visuals just as dire, my body pining for something consistently adequate.

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Your Drink Sucks - 2024

Look, I want to be a nice person, I want to find a positive in everything reviewed here on The Caffeine King, but boy do some caffeinated products really test my limits. And so if in the year 2024, if you sucked, then welcome, you will forever be immortalized here. Congrats, losers.

*these are not necessarily products that were released in 2024, but rather those that were reviewed here in 2024.*

Starbucks Tripleshot Bold Mocha

Starbucks should be the king of canned coffees, so how do they stumble so hard? Why do their drinks not taste like coffee? What is your deal, man?

Dunkin' Coffee Cake Muffin Iced Coffee

If the higher-end Starbucks makes an appearance here, then it only makes sense that its cheaper (and trashier) brick and mortar competition do as well. Jeez, if actual coffee shops cannot make a canned coffee, then what hope do others?

My Hero Academia Plus Ultra

This licensed crap is what happens when your energy drink has all the flavor of caffeinated corn syrup. High fructose corn syrup if you really care, but I do not. About any of it.

Red Bull The Amber Edition Strawberry Apricot Sugar Free

It is a shame about Red Bull here; their products usually impress, either for their actual creative flavor or attempts at creativity. Not this time.

Madrinas Cold Brew Cafe Mocha Coffee

Found rotting on the discount shelf of Walmart should have been my first clue: this coffee tastes like like it was made by aliens from outer space.

Mtn Dew Zero Sugar VooDrew 2024

This just sucks.. Sucks, sucks, sucks, and you know what, one more "sucks" for good measure.

Super Energy Mixed Berryburst

There is a reason this is based on a fruit that does not exist, and that is because mother nature wanted nothing to do with them. Neither do I.

Alani Nu Winter Wonderland

During the holidays, energy drinks should be on their best behavior like the rest of us. Alani Nu here is instead clunky and clumsy.

Yerbaé Pumpkin Spice

The can is cool and the kick is alright, but a canned pumpkin spice carbonated tea? Please tell me this was something they accidentally released, released just so it could officially be the worst of the year.

Celsius Astro Vibe

Oh wait, this is the worst of the year- at least Yerbaé Pumpkin Spice had ambition. Celsius here just plain sucks.

Celsius Astro Vibe Energy Drink Review

Not to be confused with their similarly named "Arctic Vibe" variety, Celsius' Astro Vibe is but a few visual tweaks away from looking identical. And it is not even that attractive a design, packed with text that is hardly ever necessary; why is "Astro Vibe" written twice? In two different fonts, sizes and colors!? Or how about the "burns fat" gimmick? You would think in the world of Ozempic and similar pharmaceuticals that an artifice like that would more prominently featured on the tiny twelve ounce real estate.

It might be a late contender, but this is easily the worst thing I have tasted all year and is surely to win the "Your Drink Sucks" list this year. It mutates from medicinal to blue raspberry to artificial sweetener back to medicine, all within the matter of the few moments you can stomach this crap sitting on your poor and disappointed palate. All the supplements crammed inside the aluminum walls means there is a lot of herbal funk to be suppressed, and they call upon sucralose, the lone sweetener involved here, to keep things commercial, but all you end up tasting are both the supplements and the synthetic sugar. What little acidity is present is immediately killed by all of the above, so your sips quickly become gulps as you try to get this over with as soon as possible. This is a sleazy soft drink, absolute garbage, and if that still is not enough for you, how about: tawdry, discreditable, ignominious, inglorious and gaudy. Does that help? I could go on but, I do not get paid by the word.

The buzz is good here, lasting three hours without question, but 200 milligrams of caffeine will do that. Other things, such as vitamin C, B vitamins, taurine and guarana, also show up but so what? I am in no mood. Actually, that is not true: I am in a bad mood, and Celsius Astro Vibe put me in it.

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Alani Nu Winter Wonderland Energy Drink Review

Let us just be happy "Winter Wonderland" is the holiday song they picked here instead of something like, I dunno, by The Chipmunks. Alani Nu's can here is alright, a hokey take on the holidays with tacky ornaments and pink flamingos against a green backdrop- I am surprised there is no snow to be found. Where is this "winter wonderland" they speak of? Florida? How festive.

The scent has this citrusy musk that only happens with potations containing "zero percent juice." The taste is a weird, icky one, misrepresenting itself as in-fact citrus upon first sip, lemon to be exact, who cuddles up close to some stereotypical Granny Smith apple interpretation. But this masquerade is fleeting, as the mouthful quickly devolves into a most inappropriate coconut, a flavor so awkwardly handled that sips end up with this nasty rose water characteristic; it is the precise moment of the experience where somehow things do not taste sweet enough. It lingers on well beyond each gulp, as you sit there in disbelief at what you paid good money for. Sucralose and ace-k are the sweeteners in charge, a generally reliable duo who fail to protect your tongue from the inelegant elixir invasion; some honest carbohydrates, even just a few grams worth, could have helped soften the blow from this big lump of coal in your stocking.

200 milligrams of caffeine? Now that is what I am talking about! The buzz is the best thing here, hands down, lasting a solid three hours. But you had to make it that far, and I only did in a last-ditch attempt to make it on "the nice list."

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Quick Strike Regular Energy Drink Review

Only time will tell if Quick Strike Regular is any better from the dismal Original variety, but its can has certainly received a mild refresh. Gone is the hokey "Fast & Furious" visuals, though today the design is horribly generic, a shame as just because it is store-brand, does not mean it has to look the part.

The flavor is that all-too familiar one, yes kids, this is a Red Bull clone. But it is not a bad one! Oh it is not good by any stretch, but there is a certain level of imagination in the construction of this conventional cocktail. What sets this variant apart is the acidity, every sip boasting a sourness that makes even the stoutest of lips pucker. It pierces the familiarity and the saccharinity, and oh my does the sweetness need a heavy hitter to balance it out. Fifty eight grams of pure high fructose corn syrup is at play here, and it runs amok the experience kept only at bay by the curt tartness. In terms of the actual taste, it is all bubble gum and vanilla, with some callous rationing of citrus. All in all, this is something everyone has had hundreds of times, but it hits a bullseye on its very low hanging target.

The buzz feels like something of an afterthought here, lasting just two hours from a meager mixture of caffeine (152 milligrams), B vitamins, taurine, and inositol. In the end, Quick Strike Regular is exactly what it calls itself: "regular."

Victor Allen's Peppermint Mocha Iced Coffee Latte Review

If the crowded stores are any indication, the holiday season is upon us, and Victor Allen's hopes to give shoppers a pick-me-up as they wait in line for the one open register at their local Walmart. The can is decent enough, red like the purported peppermint flavor, but a brief glace at the design fails to scream "mocha."

The flavor is a bomb, making the critical mistake of suffocating peppermint to the point where sips have all the minty goodness of orange juice after you brush your teeth. The mocha is the more noticeable of the two, but neither hang around very long. A good thing? Ha, it would be if mouthfuls did not climax with a metallic twang. It lingers behind, almost demanding you take another gulp in a vain to try and cleanse your palate, but no, the aftertaste just remains, getting strong with each imbibe. The texture is thin and watery, two grams of fat from cream but skim milk appears first in the ingredient list, and the eleven ounces is a struggle. The mouthfeel has no heft to it, no personality, so all we have is this awful flavor to experience. 

Nowhere on the can does it say how much caffeine there is here, but do not be surprised if your body has you reaching for another caffeinated potable after about an hour. In the end, Victor Allen's Peppermint Mocha is not the most wonderful thing I have had all year.

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