Spylt Caffeinated Strawberry Milk Review

Well slap the coffee out of my hands and color me surprised- today finds us a caffeinated strawberry milk! Actually, this is more a strawberry protein shake ala Muscle Monster, but hey, lemme have this fantasy; the one every young energy fiend dreams of in the cafeteria of their high school, still being served those little cartons of moo juice. The can, however, is a bit of a mess, the white text failing to read well off of the red and pink background.

Pouring out thick like eggnog and hued like bismuth subsalicylate, you take your first sip and by-golly, does this take me back to when I was just a young little Caffeine Prince: this tastes exactly like strawberry milk, and I am all for it. What the fruit lacks in subtle sweetness, bright nuance and fresh juiciness, it more than makes up for by sipping like my youth. The twenty milligrams of protein hardly have any influence over the experience, its usual chalky mouthfeel gone in favor of phenomenal creaminess. What is most surprising though is how the eleven ounce offering offers zero grams of fat, ultrafiltered "skim milk blend" taking the number one spot on the ingredient list. Carrageenan no doubt does much of the textural heavy lifting, somehow able to properly impersonate the milky lush. And then there is the ace-k and sucralose, who handle the sweetening, never taste outwardly artificial, each mouthful being just the right level of saccharine. It might be overly simple and even a bit juvenile, but I could easily crush another Spylt can.

There are just sixty milligrams of my namesake stimulant; it is an unfortunate amount, since the lovely flavor could have easily stood up against a few dozen more milligrams. But with a flavor this good, who the hell cares?

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Monster Orange Dreamsicle Energy Drink Review

With a smaller logo against a vague black backdrop, this is one imposing energy drink. It sat in my fridge for a few weeks, intimidating me from drinking it until, one day I decided I would intimidate it. But then it occurred to me- didn't this very same beverage appear under the sub-brand "Reserve?" I suppose the world will never know.

The flavor is outrageously orange, one that assaults your palate without mercy until it begs for something, anything, to help clear up its fruity intoxication. The can declares this as "wickedly creamy," and I would have to agree: not only are the thousands of tiny little bubbles soft like velvet, they seem almost vanilla flavored. This is the final piece of the creamsicle puzzle and it won me over after several sips of the brightly colored elixir; what it lacks in complexity, it makes up for with unbridled dedication to the simple sapors. Sugar and glucose sweeten without supervision, no acidity strong enough to counteract the caloric salvo that is forty six grams of carbohydrates. Sucralose is here too, I suppose to try and reign things in without a tart bodyguard, and for better or worse, but it has minimal impact on the tongue. Mouthfuls have a heavy mouth feel, a wonderful weight that works against the synthetic sugar implications. But at sixteen ounces, the underdeveloped and uncompromising citrus and spice makes for a lethargic experience, one that may have worked at a smaller dosage but is an absolute struggle in its current stature.

With a rather paltry 160 milligrams of caffeine, the buzz does not meet the standards of its wackadoodle taste, but I will survive. Lasting two hours, I wish there was more of my namesake stimulant, but I guess taurine, inositol and vitamins will just have to do.

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Black Rifle Project Mango Zero Sugar Energy Drink Review

We try to stay out of politics here on The Caffeine King, so why Black Rifle decides to bring them up in the first place is beyond me. Consumers of any kind should be able to purchase the energy drink of their choosing, so long as they reach the recommended age for all that caffeine, and I mean, look at the can here! It is pretty awesome, the bright yellow contrasting wonderfully against the dark black, but then my eyes see that flying flag of fabric and are, again, reminded of the brand's nomistic silliness.

Crystal clear in color, Project Mango comes so close to achieving greatness that it stumbles headfirst into badness. Mango is in-fact tasted and functions alone, but this is not the same fruit you taste from a mouthful of that moist yellow flesh; Black Rifle sacrifices nuance in favor of the kind of rudimentary flavor that gives candy companies their high. The fruit pops for a single moment of splendor per splash on the tongue, only to be immediately washed away by an avalanche of aquatic anguish, like a drop of a real energy drink chased down by a plain seltzer. It is not exactly good but it is kind of interesting, but without a firm sourness, all that is left is sweetness. And that is where my biggest gripe lies, achieved exclusively by sucralose, and boy, does it have some problems. Namely, it just cannot reproduce honest carbohydrates, but we knew that already, but it is a bigger issue here than it should be. The texture is harsh but empty, like a plain setlz- you get the picture. Then there is its artificial aftertaste, something that lingers on like a mouthful of Splenda sachets.

With 200 milligrams of caffeine, the buzz derived here is worthy of its appearance, making its disappointing taste all the more disappointing. Then again, mangoes are not native to the US, making its "all American" fetish even funnier; maybe that is why this soft drink sips so slovenly?

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2025's Your Drink Sucks

Plenty of energy drinks in 2025 sucked, the fire one gets inside from a truly revolting would-be refreshment sometimes more fun than suffering through sips of so many subpar soft drinks. My Pulitzer Prize must still be lost in the mail.

*these are not necessarily products that were released in 2025, but rather those that were reviewed here in 2025.*

Black Rifle Ranger Berry Zero Sugar

Regardless as to your political affiliations, this is a dreadful tasting energy drink.

Alani Nu Cosmic Stardust

Just because I appreciate the brand's dedication to funky flavors does not mean I should sanction their failures.

Java Monster Triple Shot French Vanilla

This will not be appearing on any "visit France" travel brochures.

Mtn Dew Baja Cabo Citrus

Too much sugar and little else, Mtn Dew blind experiments end up taking precious retail store real estate from other, more competent caffeinated cocktails.

Red Bull Zero Sugar Passion Fruit

This Chinese import just tasted wrong.

Lucky OG Luck

The can, for as confused as it is, had a kind of cockeyed appeal to it. The buzz was pretty good. But the taste, yuck; this is Red Bull made by people who have never tasted Red Bull.

G Fuel Miami Nights

With a visual style that rocks, the misguided flavor and enervated buzz really disappoint.

Cypher Ponche De Fruitas

Tasting like a cough drop dropped in plotting soil, Cypher Ponche De Fruitas' truly terrible taste will haunt my palate until the day I myself am in the dirt.

Red Bull The Winter Edition Fuji Apple & Ginger Sugar Free Energy Drink Review

Removing sugar from the delicious equation that is this year's Winter Edition from Red Bull hopefully does not result in the company falling onto the "Naughty List." The can is much of the same, though the blue "sugar free" branding looks out of place against the warm yellow and red gradient, and we really did not need to have it in multiple places; the twelve ounce transport simply does not offer enough aluminum real estate for all this text.

This year's Winter Edition, again, tastes like apple, though the exact varieties are a bit more muddled here, the ginger even less visible. But it is still pretty good! The lack of any cultivar in particular results in an experience with the homogenized appeal of commercial apple juice, though none of that fresh fruit nectar is found inside these metal walls. The resulting golden colored cocktail lacks the subtlety of its non-diet brethren, sips where you could practically taste the fresh flesh of the fruit, each bite bursting with moist ambrosia as it drips down your chin. That does not happen this time around, which is OK as the whole production remains equally drinkable. Synthetic sweeteners sucralose and ace-k replace actual carbohydrates, doing a fine job in the taste but failing in the subject of texture; the mouthfeel is less satisfying, unable to mimic the sensation of the thin red, yellow or green peel one expects when munching into one of the autumn orbs. Fortunately acidity remains appropriately almighty, which helps keep any nasty side-effects from the diet honeys at bay.

Red Bull is in dire need of an ingredient cocktail overhaul- the B vitamins, taurine and 114 milligrams of caffeine simply not enough in 2025. Unless, of course, that means I just have to drink two cans, which I would not mind all that much.

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Benny Sugar Plum Fairy Energy Drink Review

Who the hell is Benny and how can they be so certain they are the sugar plum fairy? On an unrelated note, the ingredients list out just "water" as the first ingredient, but the front mentions it is "lightly sparkling." How the aqua is not carbonated is beyond and amuses me.

Pouring out opaque, this is absolutely beautifully scented- I would get this in a hand soap. But the flavor? Well, let us just say Benny has nothing on Red Bull's wildly wonderful 2018 potent potable. Plum is not strong enough in this rendition to sustain an entire twelve ounces, the fruit occupying all but a fleeting moment of the entire experience. What else is there? Unfortunately, each and every imbibe climaxes with an earthy impurity that ruins its commercial viability. Supplements like lion's mane mushroom are a possible suspect, but my money is on its choice of sweeteners: cane sugar and Reb A Stevia leaf extract. Though my body yearns for honest carbohydrates, there is not enough to provide either the toothsome grit or weight as the sips are sipped. Most egregiously though is how sucrose is not able to combat the medicinal messiness from the natural sweetening agent. Some lemon juice concentrate helps brighten the hydrated prune, but the nectar, its loose body and caustic astringency, is left unchecked by a decent honey to help balance out the citrus annexation. But that is hardly a consideration as soon the herbal funk washes over and grows to become about all you can taste, so that later that night you have dreams of Stevia plants dancing in your head.

The eighty milligrams of caffeine involved is not enough to justify the rather disturbing flavor, the hour plus long buzz just not lighting up my twinkling holiday decorations. But hey, Benny took a chance, and yeah, it failed, but I cannot let that gumption go unnoticed.

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Gorgie Sparkling Cranberry Party Pop Energy Drink Review

To avoid sounding like the Grinch, I do not feel all that warm and tingly inside looking at the various shades of red to Gorgie Cranberry Party Pop. The wavy pattern makes the faint white text hard to read, and there is a lot of it at both ends of the small metallic real estate on offer from its twelve ounce transportation.

A lovely shade of deep vermilion pours out, really selling its cranberry basis. First sip, however, exposes a less than convincing development. While there is a shock of acidity, a tartness that had my lips curling into my tongue, there is a harshness to it, a bitter bite that resembles munching on those crunchy crimson circles as any could. Problem is, who eats raw cranberries? The fruit hardly registers on the palate, the sparkling cocktail really not having all that much in terms of flavor, specifically very little of that wonderfully complex holiday nectar. Each gulp ends up simply tastes like dirt, every imbibe starting with an avalanche of earthiness and climaxing with a steady trickle of herbal funk. The potent potable's overall dearth of a decent sugariness does not help;  sweetened with glycosides (reb m), the experience is inappropriately undersweetened, unable to rescue poor palates from the medicinal clutches of all the crude supplements making their influence known throughout the mouth.

A cool 150 milligrams of caffeine does help soften the blow of the overall disaster that is Gorgie Cranberry Party Pop- a two hour or so long buzz that is like every other similarly sized energy drinks around. But after this, I will not be RSVP'ing to their next shindig.

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