Unwell Frost Cranberry Sparkling Energy Drink Review

Why would you name your energy drink "Unwell?!" Should one drink when they are under the weather? I have no idea and the less said about it, the better, though there are a lot of elements here that had me grabbing a can off of the local Target shelf with unbridled glee. Chiefly its purported cranberry flavor, and the fact that real juice is involved here. Coupled with The Caffeine King's famous holiday spirit, I can forgive the absolutely massive amount of text, for now.

Unwell demands not that you love cranberries, but that you live, breathe and sleep them. The four percent of actual nectar involved here means sips have all the standoffish honesty that one experiences when they pop one of the tiny bouncy orbs of crimson into their mouth, their only exposure being that can-shaped gel they eat once a year with turkey. Wrong-o. The cranberry acts alone without backup, allowing you to taste the alienating pungency of the antisocial produce. Whether that is the intention from this winter based beverage or not I cannot discern. Two grams of added cane sugar, in addition to stevia leaf extract, simply is not enough to combat the harsh astringent reality native to the creeping shrub denizen. Not that things are necessarily sour, more earthy and bitter, the kind that curls your tongue more out of disgust than with childlike wonder. And that is the problem, this appropriately colored cocktail is not nearly sweet or properly puckering enough to become something your average energy drink drinker would want to drink.

Now to the good stuff: 150 milligrams of caffeine. The amount is just enough to keep me sipping onward, the two and a half hour long buzz a fine one. Electrolytes and B vitamins round out the energy cocktail, for those who are counting. I for one was counting down the ounces so I could be done with this.

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Cintron Cranberry Energy Drink Review

Cranberry has got to be one of my favorite flavors, but that does not mean I will be going easy on Cintron here, oh no. The opposite is almost true: I know what makes a good cranberry beverage, and thusly what makes a bad one. Cintron's can here is fine, I guess, but what do the visuals have to do with the name? What about the fruit? Could I look it up, yeah suppose I could, and I did for a second or two, but found nothing.

There is no juice to be found, but my palate was convinced otherwise: the can could easily read "Ocean Spray cranberry juice cocktail" and I would not bat an eye. Each mouthful begins with a bright explosion that tells you exactly what you have gotten yourself into, and mellows immediately into a calm and collected experience that rides out into the sunset of your tongue. There is a softness to the cranberry, its sourness sharp but never overwhelming with a sweetness just present enough to keep things from becoming a candy caricature. Nothing disturbs your imbibes, no unnecessary nuance poking its head in for the sake of senseless complexity: Cintron trusts that you will appreciate what it has to offer, and boy did I ever. That can-shaped sauce has got some competition on the Thanksgiving table this year.

Potency is nowhere near as, well, potent, as the flavor is, with just seventy five milligrams of caffeine to keep you buzzing. Other ingredients include B vitamins, taurine, and inositol. Overall, Cintron Cranberry's looks and kick do not deserve a taste like this.

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Red Bull The Winter Edition Fuji Apple & Ginger Energy Drink Review

These "Winter Edition" Red Bulls have sprouted into part of my holiday traditions, and this year the flavor is purportedly "Fuji Apple & Ginger." Though I am a sucker for a good spicy soft drink or confection, the Fuji apple is not one of my favorite varieties (that is reserved for the magnificent Jazz apple), but history has been kind to this wacky sub-brand, so let us pray to Santa and hope this product ends up on the "Nice List."

It smells like apples and pours out like a sparkling cider, so palates across the world are not surprised when this tastes like apples. Like, impressively so, the extreme burst of the autumn favorite the moment the golden elixir smacks your taste buds so realistic that it is almost scary. The back of the can declares the involvement of both "natural and artificial" flavors, but my tongue would have bet all the roasted chestnuts in the world on this containing actual juice, a lot of it. But the ingredients fail to list out honest nectar, so my Santa's hat is off to the formulators this time around. Fuji is not the cultivar I immediately placed, Golden Delicious far more front-facing until falling to the Red Delicious' distinct finish and acidity level. But wait, you and your elf friend ask, what about the ginger? It is there, somewhere, lurking beneath the orchard product and struggling mightily against its fabulous fusion of sweet and tangy goodness. This means only some sips climax with a neutered nuance of the knobby rhizome, but that was probably a smart approach- not everyone consumes the spicy root with love the way The Caffeine King does. With sugar and glucose providing a biting sweetness that taste like these crave, this is Red Bull is the real deal.

I wish 114 milligrams of my namesake stimulant was the real deal, but unfortunately, the hour long buzz is not up to par. Yeah yeah, taurine and vitamins are here to party too, but what lousy guests they are; they did not even bring gifts for the Yankee Swap! 

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Stewart's Shops Impact Energy Drink Review

My lawyers, Itchy and Twitchy, have forgotten the award winning review where we first met, over a decade ago way back in 2015 with The Caffeine King's review of Stewart's Impact. I certainly won the Pulitzer Prize for that one. The can has slimmed down and gotten a fresh paint job, but does the same sour nastiness remain within these newly refreshed metal transport?

Here we have a Red Bull clone that, in today's world, has me almost nostalgic. My palate misty eyed all over as the sentimental soft drink suppresses my better judgement beneath blind memories of my golden years. It is a great first sip, refreshing even! But this is still a Red Bull clone, a fact it is most proud of. Granny Smith apple is the nucleolus of the flavor profile, acidic like a battery and surrounded by shallow nuances of vanilla; the usual citrus suspect completely unavailable here. No lime, orange or even lemon can be found as the heavy elixir washes across your teeth, rotting them as your dentist cackles in future monetary delight. Sucralose, theoretically here to keep the carbohydrate count down, means little when there are still forty grams of the caloric sugariness. It has a decent mouthfeel but it devolves into grainy syrupiness only a few gulps into the twelve ounces on offer. Not that any of this matters, I sipped and gulped and mostly enjoyed myself. Lawyers be damned.

The energy blend is 218 milligrams, but I do not just mean of caffeine: this includes my namesake chemical, alongside guarana, inositol, ginseng and taurine. Hey, Itchy and Twitchy, is that legal? Is that allowed? Is that allowed? Is, is that allowed?? Slap!

Summit Red Thunder Sugar Free Energy Drink Review

Aldi's Summit brand of energy drinks returns with a refreshing of their "Red Thunder" drinks. Today's offering is their sugar free flavor, which back in 2011, failed to escape its Red Bull clone shackles. All these years later and a new design later, I am still visually unstimulated. The baby blue background fades from sight in a sea of other potent potables, a packaging filled with text but no personality.

I do love a good Red Bull clone, and Red Thunder Sugar Free is about as close as you can get to "perfect." Well, perfect considering it is a remake of a store-brand imitation. Apple is the center of the experience, with a puckering sourness that helps distract from the oh-so familiar diet sugar mix of ace-k and sucralose. The two sweeteners are on their best behavior, not having to do much except not overextend their reach. Vanilla and bubble gum make an appearance but seldom perch anywhere but the back of the tongue, insinuating complexity without really participating with the core fruit flavor. What does any of this mean? Well, it is a fine tasting little caffeinated cocktail; next time I will just write that and leave the thesaurus on the bookshelf.

Each can contains B vitamins, taurine, and eighty milligrams of caffeine. The buzz is not particularly impressive, until you remember that practically no energy drink comes in the antiquated eight ounce cans anymore. Overall, Red Thunder Sugar Free is about as good as an off-brand product can be.

Dark Dog Organic 50 Calories Energy Drink Review

Dark Dog Organic 50 Calories is a terrible name; "50 Calories" is a prolix and clumsy way of saying "lite." But the name "Dark Dog" does not make any sense on this largely silver design, as the only thing dark here is the tiny picture of the namesake dog and some black text. That portion of the beverage is the traditional hardcore look for an energy drink, but that clashes with the "Organic" title and predominate look of the elixir.

The original Dark Dog Organic was a successfully peculiar take on the traditional Red Bull formula, but stripping the potable of sugar brings the flavor to the realm of bargain bin energy drinks. Effervescence is dead-on-arrival, leaving the heavy liquid to bog down your palate and test your gag reflex. The creamy vanilla and playful bubble gum of the full-calorie variety are extinguished here, resulting in a flavor that is pure bitter nastiness from all the extracts, juices, and the yerba mate, a tiring triptych that never works in trying to craft a cohesive caffeinated cocktail.

Each can contains: vitamin C, B vitamins, a legion of extracts and 114 milligrams of caffeine. The kick is the strongest player here, but it is still only a two hour kick. In the end, Dark Dog Organic 50 Calories is a nonsensical energy drink that is almost astonishingly agonizing.

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Cypher Ponche De Fruitas Energy Drink Review

Before I even could hold this sixteen ounce can in my hand, its black background and bright red highlights immediately nabbed by eyes from its sterile nearby neighbors in the crowded energy drink cooler. Upon closer inspection, my digits were let down the second my palm wrapped around the metal: the visuals are shrink-wrapped on, a thick, unsatisfying feel did not need to be so.

Something smells wrong here, a fruit punch should be potently scented, but this reeks of spoiled produce on the cusp of fermenting. If you can somehow get past the odor, the liquid that barrels out is astringent to the point of disgust: this is an awful tasting energy drink. The can claims this "drinks like a juice," but my tastebuds know a lie when it sees one- this drinks like medicine. There is a brief moment, a single, solitary moment when your tongue can in-fact taste something that resembles the purported punch, cherry, guava and lime mostly, a decent enough blend that is as basic as they come. Such simplistic sapors would ordinarily be a point of contention for some, but just wait until you taste what is next. Any goodwill achieved is dumped down the drain the moment this crimson cocktail connects with your lips. It grabs your entire mouth, wringing it of moisture and comfort like sipping millions of microscopic knives. The ingredients list is a big one, somehow involving both protein and fiber, but my guess as for the unbearable bitterness is just how many supplements are crammed inside; even the 260 milligrams of caffeine, something my palate repeatedly pines for, is looked upon with the raised eyebrow of suspicion and full-body rejection. This will no-doubt be the scariest thing you drink this Halloween season.

The energy mix is a good one at least, a three and a half hour long buzz I got still not nearly enough to make up for how bad this tastes. In addition to my namesake chemical, we also have the familiar sights of C, E and B vitamins, as well as funky ones like copper and zinc. I like bizarre blends like this, but only when they do not interrupt the process of ingestion; Cypher Ponche De Fruitas would work best as an IV drip.

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