Friday, January 1, 2016

Your Drink Sucks: The Year 2015

Another year comes more crap filling our fridges with cheap cans and boring graphics, and nasty tastes staining our palates. Was 2015 a better year than most? Read on and decide for yourself.

*these are not necessarily products that were released in 2015, but rather those that were reviewed in 2015.

Tornado Original

The resealable bottle and cheap price are highlights here; the gut-busting calorie count and disgusting flavor are those lights burnt out.

Energa Maxx Power

A ripoff with a clumsy execution, the drink likely derives its name from "enervated " rather than "energy."

Rockstar Roasted with Almond Milk Caffe Latte

The company at least thinks outside the box with their releases, a breath of air amongst all the Red Bull clones released yearly. But clever readers may have noticed I did not say the breath of air was fresh.

Red Bull Total Zero The Orange Edition

For years, fans begged the famous bull brand for more variety. They got it, and they immediately regretted it.

Verve Bold

Provided via the company for review, the pain from this disgusting disappointment would have only been augmented if actual money was spent.

Amp Zero Blueberry White Grape

No "Your Drink Sucks" list is complete without an appearance from the Amp line. Though their, what, fifth, revamp has proven more solid than any before it, this variety has no variety.

Spider Rise Again!

Suffering from design flaws on the can and an insolvent flavor, this Spider variety should be hit with some bug spray.

Arnold Palmer Drive Performance

More of a disappointment than a disaster- wait no, it is both in equal strength. Maybe fans of the Arizona's tepid tea concoctions will find something to enjoy here, but my tongue sure does not.

Venom Low Calorie Strawberry Apple

Honestly this potable was not all that bad, so why is it here? It marked a return of a mediocre-tasting line of great-looking resealable libations, in a standard pull tap can with an unremarkable taste. The original drinks did not fare particularly well against my tongue, so mark this one as disappointing and dumb.

Stewart's Impact

My lawyers, Itchy and Twitchy, seemed to enjoy this can of slime. But even at its discount price and generic origin, slime is slime, and- hey, Itchy! Twitchy! Get out of here! I am trying to do a *SLAP* .... what was that for!? What? Stewart's is my latest sponsor? Why would they- no I am not going to cheat and praise this pile of *SLAP* Ouch! Stop it! Drinkers: beware the drinkable danger found on shelves at *SLAP* LAWYERS! STOP IT!!

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